Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Dungy Convinced Olbermann-Patrick Duo May Have More Than Just On-screen Chemistry


      The cameras don't always tell the truth.
      In a candid interview with the Northeast Hoboken Plain Dealer on Tuesday, former Indianapolis Colts head coach, and current NBC broadcaster, Tony Dungy revealed that he is suspicious about the nature of co-stars Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann's relationship.
     "I don't want to go so far as 'faggy,'" said Dungy. "But I will say 'deviant' or possibly 'curious.'"


   Dungy has publicly stated on several occasions that he believes that homosexuality is wrong according to the tenets of Christianity. Not until Tuesday, however, had Dungy publicly accused a coworker of what he calls "homoSINuality."

     "And the Bible says, 'Judge not, lest yee be judged,'" Dungy told the Plain Dealer. "Well, I am not gay. I have a wife. So I'm pretty sure the Bible says it's okay to say Keith and Dan are homos. I mean, deviant. I said deviant. This is off the record right?"
    When Punting on First Down contacted Dungy about this story, he initially did not respond. Eventually, he decided to make a statement.
    "At first I was worried about my professional broadcasting career, as well as my amicable relationship with both Dan and Keith. Then I talked to my preacher. He told me that gays are followers of Satan and it was my duty to expose them. So, I now have incontrovertible proof of their homosinuality."
   Dungy then showed Punting on First Down the following picture:


   "See?" said Dungy. "They are clearly playing footsy under that table. And what kind of man wears a bushy mustache like that? A real, straight, man wears a thin, refined and classy mustache. Much like mine."
   Dungy then took out a telestrator that he carries with him at all times in a briefcase and broke down the play, as he often does for NBC on Football Night in America.


   "They are clearly homosexuals and, for that reason alone, should be banished to hell where they belong. I mean, have you ever listened to Olbermann? All I hear is Obama this, Obama that, Republicans are dicks, communism is awesome, I hate America. He must be gay."
   Punting for First Down also contacted Dungy's peers for perspective on the matter.
 
   Rodney Harrison could not be reached because, according to his twitter account, he was "tackling damn kids that piss me off at the elementary school near my house."
   Harrison's agent did, however, release a statement.
   "Rodney Harrison is not currently taking, nor has he ever taken, Human Growth Hormone or any other performance enhancing drugs."
   Late Tuesday afternoon Dan Patrick released a statement through NBC on the matter.
   "Tony Dungy, though he has absolutely no charisma, nor does he have any camera presence whatsoever, is a very nice man. When he starts ranting and raving about homosexuality, it is best to just ignore him and move on. That's what I have done."
  Dungy has yet to issue a response to Patrick, but sources close to the situation say he continues in his stance that they should be banished.
   In a rare public appearance, Punting on First Down was able to contact God via text.
   "gay ppl r just ppl," He told Punting on First Down. "as long as they r not assholes theyll get into heaven like every1 else. now brb gotta take a shit!!!"

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