Punting on First Down: Fat guys

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Friday, October 9, 2009

Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 5

By Anthony Masterson at 12:50 PM

After yet another taffy-pulling week in the National Football League, let's jump right into the lead-pipe, lock-down 100% guaranteed predictions for Week 5, Chipotlaway not included.

Read the rest after the jump...

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Tags: Fat guys, Favre as Jesus, Poise, Straight From the Jacket predictions, Week 5, weekly column, West Side Story

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The Authentically Unphotoshopped Picture of the Week

"Shit, man, it's cold out."
"Yeah, I know. You got any change so we can go get some Thunderbird?"

The Stephen Glass 100% Real Quote of the Week

"No, there's no beef between the two of us. One of us just has to know our place. I'm the grizzled gunslinger who runs the offense and he's the little twat that should be seen and not heard. And dammit, I want my beer OPENED when he brings it to me. It's not too much to ask.

- Brett Favre on his increasingly chilly relationship with Vikings coach Brad Childress.

NFL Players Poll

Each week, we ask all of the players in the NFL (since we totally know all of them) what their opinion is on an issue apropos in the NFL. This is what they had to say...

What should the NFL do about the concussion issue?

Quick Headlines

- Cleveland Browns sign Tom Brady and Giselle Bundchen's newborn son to a 40-year $400 million contract to be their new starting quarterback
- In Brian Westbrook's first day back at practice, he suffers from five concussions, a double ACL tear, a PCL tear, a broken femur, a broken tibia, and also somehow contracts AIDS
- Rams team meeting results in the team setting the goal of scoring at least one touchdown before the season ends

Pro Player Poetry Presentation

Each week, we ask an NFL player to submit a piece of poetry, using Haiku form, to give our site a little culture. This week we asked that crazy touchdown celebrating Bengal Chad Ochocinco...

My skillz is da best
Child please, you don't even know me
Haikus are my bitch

(submitted via twitter)

Things John Gruden ACTUALLY Says on Air

The only real thing on the sidebar. Jon Gruden actually, truthfully says these things. This week we missed MNF, but luckily Al Michaels treated the Sunday night viewing public with a true gem...

"Sooner or later, 69 will be in your face."

Life Lessons with Tony Dungy

We asked the wise old sage of the NFL--Tony Dungy--to provide us with inspirational quotes about life, love and happiness. Listen and learn...

"All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. And if you can get two girls to make experiments, preferably naked, that's even better." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Because in America you have a right to face your accusers...

Eric Peterson - Editor/Bad Photoshopper
Anthony Masterson - Senior Writer/Lover of Chef Boyardee
Lucas Rudnick - Senior Writer/Feeler of Dan Snyder's Wrath
Jesus - Freshman Writer/Lord/Savior

Tags

That Makes Me a Sad Cutler (14) Straight From the Jacket predictions (12) First Church of Football (9) journalism verisimilitude (7) Dick Johnson's saturday six (6) Lendale White Fantasy Party Man/Douche of the Week (6) Wry on the rocks with no ice (6) POFD Playoff Derisive Mocking Extravaganza (5) We didn't listen (5) dick johnson (5) group posts (5) weekly column (5) south park references (4) 40s (3) Poise (3) Who's The Wider Receiver (3) cutler makes cutler a sad cutler (3) Al Davis (2) Beast Mode (2) Brady Quinn (2) Cassel the Interceptor and His Pass-Dropping Extraordinares (2) Chad Ochocinco (2) Dick Johnson's Deeply Penetrative Reports (2) Entourage is the douchiest pile of shit on TV (2) He-Man (2) Jesus Talks (2) Mr Show is my comedic Catcher in the Rye (2) POFD Fireside Chats (2) Picture Stories (2) Terrell Owens (2) and so commences the waffling (2) andy reid fat joke count (2) emotional steam (2) predictions of things that already happened (2) redskins (2) zing (2) 2010 NFL Draft (1) 80s pop superstars (1) Airplane (1) Ali G references (1) All Dogs Go to HELLLLLLL (1) Batman? (1) Brady Quinn being a stupid derr (1) Brandon Marshall (1) Brett Favre fail (1) Chris Johnson is awesome at football (1) Chris Simms (1) Christianity-enthusiasm (1) Darrelle Revis is good at football (1) Dennis Quad (1) Dick Jauron is a really bad coach (1) Dickensian lifestyles (1) Drew Breesus (1) Eli for MVP? WTF? (1) Elizabeth Lambert (1) Emperor Belichick (1) FJM style (1) Fantasy Douche (1) Fantasy Wingmen (1) Fantasy football (1) Fat guys (1) Favre as Jesus (1) Favred (1) Gingers (1) God (1) Head Movies (1) I win the bet (1) Inaugural Lendale White Fantasy Party Man/Douche of the Week (1) Jason campbell (1) Jewish comedians (1) John Cusack (1) Jon Gruden sucks (1) Jon Stewart (1) Jonathan Stewart (1) Josh "Motherfuckin" McDaniels (1) Katrina is over now (1) Laurence Maroney (1) Lendale White Fantasy Party Man/Douche of the Year (1) Lions (1) Mangini's underground lair (1) Mark Ruffalo (1) Marshawn Lynch (1) Marshawn Lynch speaks in the lower case (1) Matt Stafford (1) Michael Oher (1) Mike Tomlin likes big words (1) NMU (1) Now we can start hating the Saints for being annoying (1) Oakland Raiders (1) Ol' Yeller (1) Randy Moss (1) Reggie Bush (1) Rol (1) Roland Emmerich movies (1) SUSPENSE (1) Saved by the Bell (1) Soccer (1) Steve Smith (1) Sulk Monster (1) Television bad word censorship (1) Todd Haley is a villain from an 80s movie (1) Tony Dungy's Homophobia (1) Tupac and the Vatican (1) Unibrows (1) Vikings fumble gloves are my new favorite player (1) Week 5 (1) West Side Story (1) Why are there british people in Star Wars? (1) anthony impressions. (1) arizona football cardinals (1) assaulty (1) awesome 80s songs (1) bad windows paint (1) bears (1) benching your best players (1) big words (1) bitches (1) broncos (1) buttf--king quitters (1) capital letters for emphasis (1) championship week bitches (1) definition of irony (1) dreamboats (1) exploding to death (1) facial birthmarks and their hypnotic powers (1) fackin' Bawston (1) fake punt (1) favre media masturbation fest (1) football indoctrination of the opposite sex (1) fuck the dark knight (1) funny words (1) go rams (1) hahahahahahahaha (1) halftime castration (1) hot chicks vs. fat chicks (1) hot coeds (1) hunter smith (1) imminent retirement syndrome (1) jay cuttler (1) jokes in poor taste about the recently deceased (1) look how big Josh McDaniels' dick is (1) love ballads of the 90s (1) math (1) mediocre quarterbacks (1) mrs. dick johnson (1) not having time to write things is awesome (1) obvious jokes (1) overrated (1) people who are really good/bad at the sport that they play (1) poontang (1) programming notes (1) really super awesome analysis (1) ridiculous predictions that make little to no sense (1) scrappiness (1) shin sars (1) spitting on strippers (1) steve spagnulo kinda talks like robert deniro (1) telestration (1) the Colts' stupidity (1) the US-England War of 2011 (1) the Vocational Fortress of Solitude and Nursing/Healthcare (1) tongue-lashings (1) week 10 (1) week 4 (1) when josh mcdaniels gets mad he looks like a 9 year old whose mom took away his nintendo (1) who the fuck was that guy that just wasted my team in the fantasy playoffs? (1) winning fantasy leagues (1)

Disclaimer

Everything on this site is total bullshit and is intended to at least approach being a joke. So... take it with a grain of salt.