Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 5

After yet another taffy-pulling week in the National Football League, let's jump right into the lead-pipe, lock-down 100% guaranteed predictions for Week 5, Chipotlaway not included.


Bengals at Ravens

This is probably the one game on the schedule where you could go to a prison fight and a football game might break out.  Expect full on Jets vs. Sharks-style danceoffs with plenty of snapping fingers and synchronized pirouettes.  The Unibrow, previously castigated by his peers for his unkempt facial appearance, takes a razor to brow-caterpillar at halftime to lead the Ravens to victory.

 Ravens 19, Bengals 17

Browns at Bills

Trent Edwards, deeming his offensive line unnecessary (as well as playing on the ineptitude of anybody donning a Cleveland uniform), draws a line of scrimmage in the grass and makes the Browns defensive lineman count to 5-Mississippi before attempting to rush the QB.  Surprisingly, Edwards is still sacked 8 times.

Bills 8, Browns 1

Redskins at Panthers

Clinton Portis, well-known through media circles by a number of ridiculous personae, creates a new character on Sunday, Clancey the Productive Running Back Who Doesn't Let His Coach and Quarterback's Utter Incompetence Sabotage a Talented Team.  Portis goes off for 150+ yards against a poor Panthers defense, keeping Jim Zorn alive, but keeping him in stocks, for another week.

Redskins 22, Panthers 11

Steelers at Lions

Boy, rough week for Detroit.  After the Tigers didn't think of the children of their economically-ravaged metropolis and choked the AL Central to the Minnesota Twins, now the Lions have to face the defending Super Bowl champs at home.   Thankfully for the city of Detroit......um.....they still have Eminem?

Steelers 38, Lions 29

Cowboys at Chiefs

Tony Romo, to try and deflect any criticism from last week's debacle against Denver where he seemingly forgot how many downs there were during the team's final drive, forces his team to use just three downs for each offensive series, punting on a crucial 3rd and inches in KC territory in the fourth quarter.  Todd Haley cock-punches Matt Cassel  as the QB is coming off the field after yet another incomplete pass.  Orange slices and Capri Suns for all after the game.

Cowboys 19, Chiefs 14

Raiders at Giants

After yet another disheartening loss for the Raiders, JaMarcus Russell is heading up the tunnel back to the locker room.  As he is nearing the clubhouse door, a fresh-faced youngster calls to him.  The young boy, after giving a detailed explanation of why Russell should use his check-down receivers more instead of always trying for the low-percentage, high-risk deep ball, offers the quarterback his Diet Tab cola.  As Russell chugs the drink, the kid walks away, but not before Russell stops the kid and prepares to toss his game-used jersey to the boy.  Russell's jersey toss, as per usual, is a bit off the mark, leading the boy to run at full force into one of the concrete columns below the stadium.  The kid is rushed to the hospital with facial fractures, and will grow up to be Brainy from Hey Arnold!

Giants 80, Raiders 8

Bucs at Eagles

Donovan McNabb makes his return to the gridiron just in time to take on the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  Paired with Michael Vick, the Eagles feature two black quarterbacks on the field at one time.  Somewhere, Rush Limbaugh's head explodes.

Eagles 33, Bucs -6

Vikings at Rams

And the good Favre sayeth, "Yay, for I am the light of the world.  Boweth before me, for my scrappiness and the joy that exudeth from my loins maketh me like a child on the field of football.  Hark, who is-eth the greatest gunslinger in all the land?"  To which his loyal ESPN subjects replyeth, "Thou are, my Lord.  Thou are."

Minnesota Jesus Favres 2,000, Rams- Locusts

Falcons at 49ers

Matt Ryan is the newest freshly-shorn visage to be plugging Gillette razors ad nauseum during your piss breaks on Sundays.  Joining Derek Jeter and Roger Federer is elite company for the young gun, but the fact that Ryan has not yet achieved "True Yankee" status will cost him in the Gillette MVP race.

Falcons 29, 49ers 28

Texans at Cardinals

Are you like me?  Do you not care about this game either?

Texans 3?, Cardinals 2?

Patriots at Broncos

The marquee matchup of this Sunday's collection of games.  I'm actually going to be in Boston for this Battle of the Belichickian Jagoffs, and I'm currently placing the over/under on how many Patriots fans I start fistfights with at 4.  Email my personal bookie Eric Peterson to place your bets.

Broncos 18, Patriots 16

Jaguars at Seahawks

Since Jacksonville has found staggering success with players who have hyphenated last names (Maurice Jones-Drew, Mike Sims-Walker), the team has employed a new strategy for Sunday against Seattle.  Lining up at wide receiver?  Tiffany Amber-Thiessen.  New running back?  Jonathan Taylor-Thomas.  At QB?  Bono.  I don't get the last one either.  Hopefully we'll get some explanation leading up to game time.

Jaguars 4, Seahawks 3 1/2

Colts at Titans

Vince Young finally replaces grizzled Kerry Collins at QB for the winless Titans, but loses his cool when he thinks he hears the crowd booing him when he goes for his team's first series.  In tears, the former Heisman winner slams his helmet down and runs off the field to write his feelings down in his diary.  In all actuality, however, the crowd was just marveling at the amount of weight Lendale White had put on after beginning to drink Patron again.

Colts 79, Titans 10

Jets at Dolphins

Mark Sanchez showed incredible Poise last week during his cheap shot to the knees of Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma during Darren Sharper's 99-yard interception return of a Sanchez pass.  Look for more Poise-y plays from the youngster on Monday Night Football.  Hey, maybe he'll take a tire iron to the back of Joey Porter's kneecaps!  Tune in to find out!

Season Record:  9-5