Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 6

Well, it's week 6 in the NFL which really begs the question, what have we learned?

For starters, Mark Sanchez has Poise, Rex Ryan is fat, Terrell Owens was kidnapped, and Tony Romo is (gasp!) still pretty much overrated. 

With that being said, let's begin the lead pipe, lock-down, 100% guaranteed predictions, two days before the day after tomorrow.


Texans at Bengals

Last week Cedric Benson became the first running back to rush for a 100 yards in a game against the Ravens in nearly three years.  Notable accomplishments by other people named Cedric:

This.  This.  and this, apparently.

Bengals 19, Texans 17

Lions at Packers

Though his offensive line has more holes than a Michael Bay plotline, Aaron Rodgers refuses to throw his "blockers" under the bus.  As he limps to the postgame press conference with his arm in a sling, two black eyes, and an opponent's cleat still lodged dangerously close to his left temple, the QB spits out a pair of molars and maintains he wouldn't want anybody else to have his back.

Packers 33, Lions 19

Rams at Jaguars

Rush Limbaugh, desperately looking to reform his fat, loud-mouth, overtly-racist, prescription pill-popping image in hopes of regaining his bid to buy the Rams, performs a duet of the Rush classic "Tom Sawyer" with L'il Wayne at midfield before the coin flip.  As the music fades, Limbaugh and Wayne engage in a passionate embrace then proceed to make out for about 7 or 8 minutes....enough to get everybody in the crowd really uncomfortable.

Jaguars 10, Rams 7

Ravens at Vikings

The Good Lord Favre has thus far led the Vikings out of the wildnerness and into the upper echelon of the NFC, but he alienates some of his teammates after their win against the Ravens.  Looking to spice up the party with the whole "water into wine" bit that used to get him mad pussy at those Mesopotamian ragers, he accidentally turns all the water at the house into Miller Chill and Cuervo Black..........and Cola.  It's the beginning of the end for Favre in Minnesota.

Vikings 24, Ravens 23 1/2

Giants at Saints

Jeremy Shockey has vowed revenge against a Giants team that, not only won him a free Super Bowl ring, but put up with an endless parade of pro-douche rednecking at the hands of the now New Orleans tight end.  On the game's first play, Shockey runs an out route and Drew Brees hits him in stride, but on the tackle, Shockey's rare breed of English Restoration-era syphilis flares up and he is forced to go on injured reserve.  The moral of the story?  Always wear a rubber, kids.

Saints 78, Giants 69

Browns at Steelers

Fantasy Conundrum of the Week:  Will Rashard Mendenhall still get the bulk of the carries against a Browns team that leads the league in AHT (Asses Handed to Them) even if Willie Parker is back and healthy?  My prediction?  Mendenhall will play.  He better, or my fantasy team is totes boned.

Steelers 37, Browns 1

Panthers at Bucs

There are places in America, like your hometown perhaps, where children will run outside and laugh and play, and when dinner's ready their mother will call out "Oh boys, time to wash up for supper!"  And the kids will dash inside and sit down at the table to a turkey dinner cooked from scratch with mountainous piles of mashed potatoes with gravy cascading down every ridge of the delectable meal.  The conversation will be light-hearted and fun, and at the end of the night, when the kids are all tucked into bed, their mothers will whisper that they love them, and everything in the world will be beautiful.

And in other places, people will be forced to watch this game.

Panthers 1, Bucs -3

Chiefs at Redskins

See above.

Redskins 1/8, Chiefs, 1/16

Eagles at Raiders

Al Davis, in his epic struggle to one day rule Eternia, uses his Havoc Staff to once and for all turn JaMarcus Russell into a productive football player.  Instead of turning the lever to "Tom Brady", however, Davis instead flips the switch to "Brady Quinn", thus perpetuating the violent cycle of terrible quarterbacks in Raiders uniforms.

Eagles 47, Raiders 7

Cardinals at Seahawks

Watching the Seahawks play without Matt Hasselbeck is like watching Saved by the Bell without Zack Morris.  What's the point?

Seahawks 27, Cardinals 21

Titans at Patriots

Still burned by his protege's leaving-him-at-the-proverbial-postgame-handshake-altar after last week's loss to Josh McDaniels and the Broncos, Bill Belichick puts pen to paper and writes McDaniels a tear-stained ballad, opening up his true feelings of love and passion for the little rascal.  Edwin McCain sings the refrain.

Patriots 31, Titans 12

Bills at Jets

In last year's contest between the Jets and Bills, QB Trent Edwards played through a sprained ankle but unfortunately for him, he could not be like Lisa Turtle and win the big dance competition, falling to the Jets 26-17.  This year to get pumped up, Edwards will overdose on caffeine pills, become very, very excited...then very, very scared.

Poises 18, Bills 8

Bears at Falcons

Jay Cutler, still a bit peeved about the Broncos hot start to the 2009 season, pulls any and all strings to get Terrell Owens to Chicago, going so far as to personally call the wide receiver after their game with the Falcons.  As per usual with T.O. however, the call was dropped.

Falcons 28, Bears 24

Broncos at Chargers

With Cutler no longer manning the offense of the Broncos, Philip Rivers loses his main rival in Denver.  Incapable of jawing with the irritable Cutler, and with Kyle Orton being too boring to fight, Rivers collapses, throwing 5 picks in his first 6 pass attempts.  He then goes on Letterman the next day to play the late night host's classic game, Will it Float?  The answer?  Yes, yes it will.

Broncos 23, Chargers 17

Season Record:  18-10