Boston HeraldOakland Raiders defensive end Richard Seymour made a stunning announcement the other day about his team's supposed playoff chances. Luckily for our readers, POFD was able to obtain the transcript for the interview:
Reporter: So, Richie, what did you think of Antonio Peirce of the New York Giants saying their 44-7 victory over the Raiders "felt like a scrimmage?"
Seymour: Man, he don't know shit. I tell you what. You can mark it down. The Raiders will be in the playoffs in 2009.
(pencils drop, record scratches, somewhere in the distance a woman shrieks)
Reporter: Um, Richie, are you sure about that?
Seymour: No doubt in my mind. With my man J-Marc at quarterback, ain't nobody gonna be able to stop us. I mean, look at his stats this season. He's got all the tools needed to lead a team to the Super Bowl.
(reporter looks at stats, laughs so hard that milk comes out of his nose even though he was sipping coffee)
Reporter: You know that he's 26th in the league in passing yards, has completed just 45.6% of his passes, has three times as many interceptions (6) as touchdowns (2), and his 51.0 QB rating is second to last in the league, just barely in front of some guy named Horse Balls in Cleveland?
Seymour: Man, that's just reporter-speak. Trust me. The Oakland Raiders will win the Super Bowl in 2009.
Reporter: Ok, I think we're done here Rich.....
Seymour: And I have some more knowledge to drop on all you asshole media bitches.
Reporter: Do go on...
Seymour: Transformers 2 will win Best Foreign Film at this year's Oscars!
Reporter: I'm pretty sure that's a sheer impossibility for too many reasons to count...
Seymour: Lady GaGa will unleash a syphilitic cocktail onto the unsuspecting masses, leading to a worldwide pandemic. There'll be zombies everywhere!
Reporter: Well, that's actually more plausible than not...
Seymour: George Lopez will bring peace to the Middle East!
Reporter: By boring them to death?
Seymour: The word "fuck" will be taken out of the English language and be replaced by "flangtron."
Reporter: You've got to be flangtron kidding me......oh shit.
Seymour: Told you! The world will end in 2012, just like the (struggles with word) May-ans predicted.
(takes check from Roland Emmerich)
Reporter: Well, it sounds like you've got some pretty wild predictions there, Richie. Where did you come up with this information?
Seymour: Um, nowhere. Don't worry about it.
(something falls behind the shower curtain)
Reporter: What the hell was that?
Seymour: Um, nothing. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
(Reporter pulls shower curtain back to reveal Al Davis with a headset in his wheelchair, feeding lines to Seymour)
Reporter: What the hell is this?
Davis: (cackles) HEEEEHEEEHHEEEEEE now you know the FUTURE!!!! My Ouija board has never told a lie!
Reporter: That's a game of Guess Who.
Davis: Ah, He-Man, it is you and your superior intellect! Eternia will be mine! HEEEEEEHEEEEEEHAAAAAHEEEEEE!!!!!
(disappears in a cloud of smoke)
(reporter turns to Seymour)
Reporter: Does this happen often?
Seymour: A couple times a day...
Ha ha. It had to be Al Davis
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