This week: the secret to the Broncos early season success...
Hey fans, DICK Johnson here. You may be wondering... HOW are the Broncos 5-0? Are they FOR REAL? Is this some kind of SCAM, or HOAX, if you will? Well, don't you worry. Because I've got the SCOOP for you. I went DEEP inside the Broncos organization to find out the TRUTH.
To get INSIDE the team, I started out with a bit of a RUSE, a LARK, if you will. I told the PR people I was doing a harmless player profile on Kyle Orton, so they'd give me ACCESS inside. Once alone in the interview room with the quarterback of the Broncos, I thought I'd try him for some ANSWERS.
Dick Johnson: Mr. Orton... What's the REAL secret to the Broncos' success?
He looked at me alarmed and bewildered.
I could see I WASN'T going to get ANYWHERE with him. Knowing I had to get DEEPER and hit HARDER, I approached Coach Josh McDaniels to get the INSIDE story.
Dick Johnson: Coach McDaniels, quick question... How have the Broncos REALLY won so many games to start the year?
He then proceeded to explain to me through a series of hand GESTURES, or MOTIONS, if you will, that they had used a lot of pre-snap motions to identify defensive formations and then exploit them with high-completion routes, in order to move the chains and maintain possession.
Josh McDaniels: We have used a lot of pre-snap motions to identify defensive formations and then exploit them with high-completion routes, in order to move the chains and maintain possession.
Of COURSE, I was skeptical, but I let him CONTINUE with the lies.
Josh McDaneils: Then on defense, we upgraded the secondary vastly and combined that with a well disguised pass rush, leading to coverage sacks and blown blocking assignments. We've also had a little luck like any good team needs from time to time. Those are the main reasons, just off the top of my head, that we are 5-0.
Well, I know a SCAM when I see one. I wasn't going to let McDaniels get away with it.
Dick Johnson: We all know that's not the REAL reason. You're hiding something. And the PEOPLE have a right to know.
I could see the anger GROWING in him now, BOILING, if you will. At some point he would erupt.
Josh McDaniels (gritting teeth): I told you. We have changed the gameplan and picked up some new personnel that have worked out for us. That's it.
Sometimes in Dick Johnson's world, where only the DEEPEST reporting is acceptable, you have to take to EXTREMES to find out the TRUTH for the average fan out there. That's why I always keep a plan B--dynamite strapped to my chest. It was time to see what McDaniels was all about.
(opens trench coat to dynamite strapped to chest with detonator attached to a clock)
Dick Johnson: You see this, Mr McDaniels? THIS is dynamite. Since you don't have the INTEGRITY to tell the truth, I'm giving you two minutes to CHOOSE. Your LIFE or the TRUTH... This is Dick Johnson reporting.
(sets detonator to two minutes and starts timer)
Josh McDaniels: I uhh well uhh. We do lots of screen passes and uhh get versatile players like the Patriots. Yeah that's it.
Dick Johnson: You can sell that to someone else, but cause that's a truth I ain't buying. That quote property of Dick Johnson LLC and all it's subsidiaries.
Josh McDaniels: Umm we're gritty?
Dick Johnson: Nope.
Josh McDaniels: We uhh umm uhhh.
Dick Johnson: Clock is ticking, Mr. McDaniels.
Josh McDaniels: Uhhh umm uhhh.
Dick Johnson: Ten seconds.
Josh McDaniels: Awww, HECK! Fine! You win! Our secret to successful football is... giving out hugs.
Dick Johsnon: Giving out hugs?
Josh McDaniels: Yeah. After over 600 hours of research and film study I, and a team of 50 ivy league scientists, found the secret to a successful football team is giving out hugs.
Dick Johnson: Hugs. (stops detonator). So the Raiders
(interrupts) Josh McDaniels: Yup. They don't give out enough hugs.
After a long discussion, I thanked Coach McDaniels for his honesty. He was even kind enough to provide me with some photograph evidence which can be seen here:
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