Good evening, friends. This week we get to know Philip Rivers...
POFD: Philip... Can I call you Philip?
Philip Rivers: Philip? Fuck no. I am Chancellor Overlord Rivers, Master of Quarterbacking in the Known and Unknown Universe. You shall refer to me as such.
POFD: Isn't Chancellor Overlord a little redundant?
Rivers: Redundant? Why you have to use one of your big school words on me? I'll redundant your ass with my foot. North Carolina what!
POFD: Okay, Chancellor Overlord. How can you be sure that you are master of quarterbacking the unknown universe?
Rivers: Because God told me I was. When I was younger, God, who hangs out in my head all the time and tells me stuff, told me I was the greatest person ever and that I should make sure everyone knows it.
POFD: God hangs out in your a head a lot?
Rivers: Yeah, he tells me things. He'll say Gates is open throw it to him, Cutler is fag, you are awesome--stuff like that.
POFD: Speaking of God, I wanted to ask you about your faith, particularly your public patronage for abstinence until marriage. Why is that so important to you?
Rivers: Well, it started back in college. I was still a virgin at that point. But God, in my head of course, told me not to worry. It was His will for me not to get laid, as people shouldn't make sex until they are married. He said. "If Philip Rivers can't get laid, then nobody can get laid." Since then, I have made my life a mission to make sure nobody gets laid before they are married. Just like how it was with me.
POFD: You have never had sex with a woman other than your wife?
Rivers: Of course not! I could if I wanted to. I mean, I'm Philip Fucking Rivers. I'm the shit. But other women just don't get me. When I call them fags or tell them they are whiny little bitches, they don't get it. They don't see how awesome I am and how they suck in comparison to me.
POFD: You call women fags?
Rivers: Just ones in bars. But only if I have never met them.
POFD: Have you ever called a man in a bar a fag?
Rivers: Hell no. I only feel comfortable berating men into the ground when I have Antonio Gates or Marcus McNeill around. Not for protection or anything. I'm undefeated for my lifetime. I rule.
POFD: But you are 36-18 as a starting quarterback in the regular season. That is good, but it is far from undefeated.
Rivers: Those losses were all Norv and LaDainian's fault. I don't count those. The wins were all me though. I could have won those games by myself.
POFD: Okay... Moving on... You are 28 now, and you have a good ten years left in the league, but what happens after football? Have you thought about that?
Rivers: I have, actually. My first goal is to become President of Alabama. Then President of the State of North Carolina. After that maybe the President of the State of San Diego. Maybe they'll just make me honorary President of The Rest of America/Secretary of Being The Shit.
POFD: President of the State of San Siego?
Rivers: I figure I'm halfway there. Soon they'll fire Norv and make me coach. Then after I'm President of lots of shit, I figure I should expand my overlordship. I mean, I'm Master of Quarterbacking in the Known and Unknown Universe, but I feel like there is a third, possibly even a fourth, dimension there. Maybe the Subconsciously Known Universe? I don't know, but I will find it and let it feel my wrath. At that point, I'm guessing everyone will realize that I am the greatest person ever-ever. They'll probably make me Supreme Chancellor Overlord of the Universe.
POFD: Sounds ambitious. Let's move on to your personal life. Who's you favorite musical artist or band?
Rivers: I really like Dierks Bentley. Especially that song "Come a Little Closer." If I get the acoustic guitar out and play that one to my wife during foreplay, I can almost bring her to orgasm when we get it on Alabama-style.
I also like the Jonas Brothers because of their important message.
POFD: Favorite TV show?
Rivers: Definitely Entourage. Although, it should probably be about me and how cool I am. I can't believe they asked Tom Brady and his faggot knee to be on and not me.
POFD: Favorite book?
Rivers: The Bible, obviously. My second favorite, though, is the yet-to-be-released Philip Rivers' autobiography entitled I Am Awesome as Fuck--Ask Anybody. God is going to do the foreword. I am really excited about it.
POFD: Who is your hero?
Rivers: Myself. Definitely. Although, my other hero is the triumvirate of God and my two parents, simply because they created me. That was heroic of them.
POFD: Okay. That should about do it. Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule, Chancellor Overlord, to help us out.
Rivers: Anything for my fans. I really like people who think I'm the shit.
No comments:
Post a Comment