Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 7

Though the most neck-bearded team in football is currently enjoying its bye week, thus rendering the remaining schedule virtually meaningless to those in the Forgotten Time Zone, the rest of the schedule of games will still go on.  They will survive.  For today, they celebrate, their independence day.

Sorry, Bill Pullman always gets to me...

Let's get this shindig started.  Here are your 100%, guaranteed, gun-toting, git-r-dun predictions for Week 7...


Packers at Browns

Looks like swine flu has hit the Dawg Pound pretty hard this week with Coach Stalin-gini struggling to find 53 able bodies for Sunday's showdown with the Packers.  Mangini recently issued an ultimatum to all his poor, huddled masses:  Either sac-up and beat that "Weis-ian" flu, or expect a fine of no less than $17,247.63.  Coincidentally, the number 1724763 is Mangini's LDL Cholesterol count.

Packers 27, Browns 7

49ers at Texans

Showing Gollum-like schizophrenia in 2009, the Texans have shown the ability to follow up dominating offensive outbursts against decent defenses (like last week's demolition against the Bengals) with shit-tacular performances that would make Michael Bay jealous.  I know we mention Michael Bay a lot on this website with generally negative connotation, but, you know, Michael Bay sucks 'n junk.

49ers 18, Texans 17

Chargers at Chiefs

Chargers GM A.J. Smith, looking to light a fire underneath his underachieving rag tag bunch of talented douches, tells a gaggle of reporters that perhaps his team just needs to get laid to loosen up a bit.  This rubs virginity-enthusiast Philip Rivers the wrong way, however, as the GM sends his loyal army of aging hookers into the clubhouse at Kansas City.  Unfortunately, the hookers were, in fact, from Kansas City.  And that's not going to get anybody anywhere.

Chiefs 19, Chargers 11

Colts at Rams

Without much hope for victory against one of the best teams in the NFL, the Rams employ a new, and rather unorthodox strategy before their contest with the Colts.  In order to psyche out their opponents, the Rams spend their entire week of practice leading up to the game perfecting an interpretive dance number to Brandy and Monica's 90's smash duet "The Boy is Mine."  Though the choice of song is curious, Peyton Manning and the rest of his team are confused enough to not stop laughing until the third quarter, when they literally score 700 points.

Colts 702, Rams 10

Patriots at Bucs

The country of England, upset at the poor quality of NFL football sent to try and "sell" the game to those fog-breathers across the pond, erupts in a scene of social unrest outside Wembley Stadium.  Though riot police try to disperse the unruly hooligans, chants of "Give us back our Colonies" and "Why is Bill Belichick such a douchebag?" permeate throughout the London night.  Decades later, historians will look back on this night as the moment that kick-started the US-England War of 2011. 

Patriots 79, Bucs 0

Vikings at Steelers

Probably the one actually decent game on the docket in Week 7, the Minnesota Favres somehow find a way to Favre their way to a Favre.  What is a Favre, you ask?  A Favre is a person, place, or thing.  In simpler times, a Favre was referred to as a "noun".  I know, right?  How stupid is that?  The word "noun" does not denote enough gunslinging or fun in its connotation, thus the Oxford English Dictionary made the change official after the game.

Favres 26, Stillers 24

Bills at Panthers

The Bills, with their Harvard QB and Yale-educated head coach, use their superior intellect to overwhelm the doltish Carolina franchise.  Though the match was rather blase in nature, the Buffaloians assailment of oblong-bombardment prostrates the middling Panther bulwark.  Guffaws are exchanged amidst the mirthful Buffalo coterie after the game.

Bills 11, Panthers 8

Jets at Raiders

The Poise is off the apple for Mark Sanchez in New York after his five-interception abomination in last week's loss to the Bills. When Kellen Clemens replaces Sanchez at halftime and leads the Jets to victory over Skeletor's army of darkness, the New York media will finally have a new face for their hyperbolic repetition of praise...for at least another week.

Jets 28, Raiders 19

Bears at Bengals

The Cutler Face was out in full force after yet another failed red-zone attempt for the erstwhile Mopey Manchild in his new team's loss to the Falcons.  As Broncos owner Pat Bowlen snoozes next to his trophy wife during his 6-0 team's bye week, he is awoken by the phone in the middle of the night.  He answers and hears only heavy breathing and violent sobs on the other end.  Somewhere in Chicago, Jay Cutler places the phone back down to the receiver, scarfs down another large spoonful of Cherry Garcia, and turns the Dashboard Confessional up in his headphones.

Bears 27, Bengals 25

Falcons at Cowboys

Wade Phillips was recently given a vote of confidence by Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, leading the Southern Belle to make this statement to the media before the game with the Falcons:  (fanning his face) "I do declare that Mistuh Jones has the sow-ul of a Savannah peach farmuh.  His faith in me is giving me the va-puhs."  After the Falcons crushing defeat of the 'Boys, Phillips is subsequently fired.

Falcons 31, Cowboys 16

Saints at Dolphins

Currently the sexy pick to win the Super Bowl after their man-handling of the Giants last week, the Saints look to continue their roll, that is, until rumors begin to swirl that the birthmark on Drew Brees' face is actually a hypnotic portal into the netherworld.  When defenders catch a glimpse of this scarred patch of skin, they are psychologically transported into a four-walled cell where their darkest fears will eat at them until they are mentally molded into submission, allowing for Brees to have his way with the opposing team.

Saints 39, Dolphins 12

Cardinals at Giants

I give credit to NBC for trying to drum up interest for this pathetic excuse for a nationally televised game by advertising it as "Mentor (Kurt Warner) vs. Mentee (Eli Manning)" because, apparently, Kurt Warner was on the Giants once or something.  Who actually remembers that?  The casual fan knows three things about Kurt Warner.  1) He used to work in a grocery store.  2) He has a mannish looking wife (mother?) who kinda got hot as she grew older.  And 3) He hearts the Man Upstairs. 

Giants 24, Cardinals 17

Eagles at Redskins

If this isn't an excuse for football fan euthanasia, god I don't know what is.  If you actually spend more than 3 minutes watching this game, you as a fan of the lord's sport, will be suspended for one week of watching football without pay.  Think about what you've done. 

Eagles?  Redskins?  Who the hell cares?  Read a book.

Seasons Record:  27-15