First Church of Football: A Semi-Live Webbed Logging of the Lord's Sport

Punting on First Down presents a sort of live web log of the NFL action on most Sundays. At least the ones on which I have internet access and I don't have to work. So probably not every week but from time to time.

We'll start off this week's addition with a gem from the ever-annoying mormon Merril Hoge after the jump.

11:10
On Brett Favre:
"He is the most magical player to ever put on pads in the NFL."
Hoge is a member of the Church of Latter Day Idiots. First Favre was a gunslinger, then he was grisled veteran, then he became a living legend. And now, apparently, he is an illusionist. Favre must have sawed Merril Hoge in half in some sort of magical box. Only idiots believe in magic. And Hoge believes Favre is magical. Hoge must be some kind of super idiot. An ubermoron, as it were.

11:18
So NFL Redzone Channel is doing a free preview for the next three hours and it is AWESOME. I've already seen Jason Campbell fumble (he and Zorn are probably going to be part of a new weekly feature on POFD named after Sulky McFrownPick, starting intercepticon for the Chicago Bears coming soon), Sulky McFrownPick bootleg in for a TD and try and do some sulky Elway helicopter except with more interceptions, and Joe Flacco throw a pass to Michael Oher??? I might have to pony up the $5 a month for this killer channel.

11:27
So Ian Eagle and Rich Gannon are doing the Bengals-Browns disaster. Ian likes to pronounce his name Eye-anne. Seriously? What a dick. Every time in his life when someone read his name and said Eeee-anne he had to correct him. That's 13 years of grade school, a few college classes, countless jobs and social interactions. He has probably done it 8 million times in his life, all because he is too cool to be a normal Eee-anne. And his parents are probably jerks too for telling him that's how to pronounce it.

11:35
JaMarcus Russel currently has an 80% completion rate so far today. That's how bad the Texans defense is. 

11:38
If I was an NFL player, I'd wear pink shoes for every game. Not because of breast cancer, but because they are metal as shit. Also Jason Campbell threw a pick! Man, the Skins are shitty. My impression of the average Redskins fan: Go Skins! Woo! Dale Earnhardt forever!  


11:42
And... Jerome Harrison fumbled and Geathers recovered it for a touchdown. Someone remind me why people keep hiring Eric Mangini... Oh yeah, he went hunting for soccer mom action with Bill Belichick once. That makes sense.

11:46
The best part about NFL Redzone Channel? No commercials. And therefore no Peyton Manning playing ping pong with Justin Timberlake or Jim Breuer yelling jackpot constantly. 

11:50
Ian Eagle just said Derek Anderson is starting because he is trusted in the locker room. That chemistry really helps Braylon Edwards NOT drop every other pass thrown to him. Tom Brady just jogged off the field causing every sports analyst to collectively hold their breath. But then he just came back on the field. You should not wield your media power as such, Tom. You can't play with their hearts like that.

11:58
Another pick for Campbell! Go Skins! And the Bears just "recaptured that emotional steam" according to the color man for that game (I belive Brian Billick). I guess their emotional steam was more of a mist until that TD but they really turned up the heat to make it more steamy.

12:05
Remember the Titans? You know... that team with the best record in football last year. Jeff Fisher does this all the time. One year he wins thirteen games then the next he wins two. Everybody only remembers the 13-win seasons so they think Fisher is a great coach. Great coaches don't get dominated by the Jaguars. Also, Campbell almost threw another pick.

12:10
Wow. I guess Steve Slaton remembered how to play football. Luckily the Raiders have JaMarcus Russel. Get ready, Texans, for 60 million dollars worth of incompletions and errant passes.

12:20
Touchdown Browns!!! Their first since 1960. Mangini even smiled. I think the Browns just got their emotional steam back! 

12:23
But wait... Massoquiiuuaioa was down. No TD. Then they got a real TD. Mangini even laughed. 

12:29
The Lions got a TD to tie the Bears right before the half. I think they just got their emotional kettle brewing! Also Mike Sims-Walker has three feet according to the head referee of that game. Apparently three-footed people are under a different set of rules because Sims-Walker definitely-didn't-catch-that-hyphenated-TD.  

12:40
Jason Campbell just led an inspired, emotionally steamy drive to get a field goal against the Bucs. Oh boy.  

12:56
Kyle Vanden Bosch still doesn't have a sack on the year. I guess he is too busy lifting weights and drinking potato vodka. Will the NFL let him listen to Staind in his helmet? That might help. 

1:01
Holy hell! Jason Campbell just accidentally threw it to his own teammate, Chris Cooley, in the endzone. One of the Buccaneers defensive backs must have run the wrong route. Fortunately for Campbell, his Skins teammates were able to miss the extra point to make up for it. 

1:09
Jason Campbell just cranked the stove to high. His team has tons of emotional steam after his long TD bomb to Santana Moss, who, again, was not one of the Buccaneers defensive backs. 

1:17
The Raiders, being the Raiders, showed their villainy by giving up a safety. Then on the ensuing safety punt, they allowed a TD return. They are so bad, if they somehow got in a position to win a game, they would probably lose on a play like this.

1:21
Sulky McFrownPick showed his patented red zone skills by tripping after receiving the ball from the snap. Of course this led to a field goal, since Cutler is a master of moving his team down the field and then not getting a TD, whether it be with a field goal, a fumble lost, or a red zone pick. 

1:24
Campbell update: He remembered that he's supposed to be throwing to the Bucs secondary. He threw a beautiful deep pass right into the arms of Aqib Talib. I might have to pick up Talib to shore up my wide receivers on my fantasy team. Oh wait. 

1:35
Hey, the Chiefs scored a TD! Maybe Todd Haley won't beat his wife and children tonight. 

1:48
Are you kidding? The Browns are beating the Bengals on Josh Cribbs 200+ return yards (Really, how else would they be able to win?). The Awful Coach Bowl is going to go down to the wire.Who has the most emotional steam?

1:52
So today is the Matt Forte and Steve Slaton coming out party? And not in a gay way, but in a fantasy way. Wait... I really need to rephrase that. But my delete key is so far away. 

1:58
Alright. Well, the Broncos game is about to start and I'm going to focus on that. So that is the end of this semi-live blog for now. I may be back later for an enchanting evening of Roethlisbrain throw footballing good and Rivers berating everyone in sight. Only the team with the most emotional steam will prevail.