Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 4

This will be a new feature here on Punting on First Down where we will break down each game for the weekend and give you a 100% guaranteed prediction of the upcoming contest as well as let everybody know exactly how it will come to be. 

If you're one of those people that like to bet your second son (or your first daughter if you're Chinese) on whether or not the coin flip lands on heads or tails, look no further than POFD to get your money's worth.

Let's get this party started...


Lions at Bears

The Lions make it two in a row after Jay Cutler mistakenly downs an entire box of Lemonheads before the game, thinking they're the Paxil he's forced to take to stop being so damn mopey. 

Lions 38, Bears -4

Bengals at Browns

Eric Mangini suspends his entire team for showing up to the team bus with their ties all tied in Windsor knots instead of the preferred Prince Albert style.  Bengals win by forfeit.  Somehow, Chris Henry still gets arrested during the game.

Bengals 1, Browns 0

Raiders at Texans

With kicker Sebastian Janikowski and punter Shane Lechler the team's two most potent offensive weapons, the Raiders take a page out of this blog and begin to play the field position game right out of the gate, sending Lechler out there behind center on first downs to kick the ball away.  Remarkably, it's a more effective tactic than letting Jamarcus Russell throw the football. 

Raiders 11, Texans 7

Seahawks at Colts

In the spirit of the Aztec tradition, of which Seahawks coach Jim Mora is an ardent follower, kicker Olindo Mare is sacrificed at midfield before the coin toss to the god Quetzalcoatl.  Unfortunately for Mora and the Seahawks, Peyton Manning is a direct descendent of Hernan Cortes and metaphorically slaughters the 'Hawks into submission.

Colts 97, Seahawks 0

Titans at Jaguars

With another loss likely sending Kerry Collins back off the wagon, the reformed alcoholic delves deep within himself and hands the ball off 70 times to Chris Johnson and Lendale White to allow the Titans to cruise to their first victory of the season.

Titans 27, Jaguars 9

Giants at Chiefs

The Giants, after easily dispatching the Chiefs in this contest, vow revenge on their next opponent after learning that Michael Strahan's new sitcom garnered higher ratings for its premiere than the Giants received for this clunker against Kansas City.  Look out, Oakland.

Giants 69, Chiefs 13

Ravens at Patriots

It's the Unibrow vs. the Buttchin- WHO YA GOT? 

Unibrows 17, Buttchins 16

Buccaneers at Redskins

After becoming the first team to lose to the Lions since Crocs were cool, the Redskins bounce back against a Bucs team that gained 30, yes 30, yards last week against the Giants.  Oh Shaun King, where have you gone?  Just in case you didn't know, this game is going to suck.

Redskins 4, Bucs 1 1/2

Bills at Dolphins

Marshawn Lynch has a message he would like to share with you on the eve of his first game back from suspension: 

"wuz up muvafuckaz, you mizz me?  I is back and we gon do dat thang on dem dolphinz on sonday.  beast mode baby, BEAST MODE is back bitchez."

Well said.

Beast Modes 22, Dolphinz 8

Jets at Saints

I'm not going to lie to you people.  Drew Brees is going to throw for 8 touchdowns on Sunday with 600 yards passing.  It's going to happen.  Stop denying it.  But I bet Mark Sanchez will show a lot of poise.  He's really poised, especially for a young quarterback.  If poise were a drug, it'd be a gateway drug like marijuana.  Once you have Poise, then you become a Gamer, then you become Clutch, then you become a Winner, then you become Tom Brady.

Saints 88, Jets 81

Cowboys at Broncos

With Kyle Orton's neckbeard getting shadier by the week, the Denver Broncos are slowly gaining more and more confidence with the hairy devil at the helm.  Jerry Jones and his eleventy-billion dollar stadium can't help the Cowboys in the rarified air of Mile High Stadium.

Broncos 28, Cowboys 17

Rams at 49ers

After getting Favred at the end of last week's game, the Niners are thirsty for some revenge and fortunately for them, the hapless Rams are on the docket this week.  Mike Singletary won't even need to drop trou for this one.

Niners 63, Rams 19

Chargers at Steelers

For the Sunday night affair, it's a battle between the guy who only believes abstinence is the way God intended for people to procreate vs. the guy who was accused of not taking no for an answer before the season started.  Who will prevail?  America.  That's who.

Steelers 9, Chargers -100

Packers at Vikings

Take it away, ESPN.  You seem to want this game more than anybody.  Finally, ESPN will finally have a REAL excuse for mentioning Brett Favre 6,000,000,000 times on any given program instead of the arbitrary and unhealthy obsession they have with that grizzled gunslinger.

Brett Favre 1000000000, Brett Favre 99999999999, the Viewing Public 0

Season Record:  0-0