Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 17

Here we are, folks.  The final week of the regular season is upon us, and if you're like me, you're a bit hesitant to let 2009 go. 

I mean, sure, the Broncos started out 6-0, and no team that started thusly failed to make the playoffs, but goshdarnit those Mile High moneymakers are giving history a run for their money. 

Chris Johnson could rush for 2,000 yards, the Colts are going to lose in the first round again for resting all their starters, and the goddamn Jets are in the driver's seat to make the playoffs. 

Seriously, kill me if that happens.

Without further ado, here are your final lead pipe, home-alone, lock-down, guaranteed predictions for the final week of the regular season...

Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 15

Time is ticking down on the 2009 season of the Lord's Sport, people.  If you're like me, you're knee-deep in the fantasy playoffs, cursing the name of Pierre Garcon for getting you one goddamn fantasy point after notching double digits in four of the last six weeks. 

Ass.

But if the fantasy game ain't your thing and the real deal is what you crave, then you, my friend, have come to the right place. 

Here are your ice-box, lead-pipe, lock-down, guaranteed predictions for Week 15...

Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 14

So, sitting here in a cafe in Boston, I've already had six guys named Sully tell me that my Broncos sweater made me look "like a fackin' homo" and that "Tawm Brady would Cahlton Fisk the Broncos with a Loueezville fackin' Sluggah." 

After I figured out they were speaking English and trash-talking me at the same time, I calmly got up and left, but not before pointing to the scoreboard and giving them a real Mile High Salute. 

Fackin' Sawx suck.

On that note, here are your (albeit abbreviated) lead-pipe, Bloodsport, guaranteed locks for Week 14 in the Lord's Sport...

Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 13

Welcome back to your Straight from the Jacket Predictions for Week 13, and I must ask, where the hell were you?  Huh??  That's it.   Go to your room.  No dessert for you tonight!

Wondering what the hell I'm talking about?  Me too.

On that note, here are your lead-pipe, five-card, 100% guaranteed predictions for Week 13 of the Lord's Sport...

Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 12

With Turkey Day just a thing of the past, and the Denver Broncos finally regaining their foothold on a playoff spot, we here at POFD (minus Luke and his Redskins of course) couldn't be more content coming into Week 12 of the Lord's Sport. 

Some of you might have noticed that I missed a few games in these predictions this week.  Well, as Josh McDaniels might tell you:  @$%#@^#@#%%&%$&@$%^#^#ing $^&$#@#^*#^&%milky $#^&#*^@$&^@^%^*#@^%$silly putty!

He's a salty one, that Coach McD. 

Now as we jam our faces full of leftover pies and turkey breasts (hehe, breasts), here are your knock-out, back-draft, 100% guaranteed predictions for Week 12...

Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 11

Things are really starting to heat up around the POFD offices.  With Mr. Rudnick coming into the fold, the customary initiation rituals took place (sorry about the male hooker, Luke.  It sounded like a good idea at the time.  Especially when it was Jaws-themed.  Turns out, he didn't mean the hit movie.  Yikes.) 

With that being said, it's best to shift our focus back to football.  We've finally made it through all the bye weeks, so no need to adjust your fantasy lineups accordingly for the rest of the season.  Celebrate, bitches! 

Unfortunately for me, now that every team is primed for a matchup this weekend, it only means more work for yours truly.  I know, I know.  My life is getting pretty Dickensian. 

Now let's get down to brass tacks.  Here are your Straight from the Jacket, lock-down, lead-pipe, guaranteed predictions for Week 11...

Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 10

Well, we've passed the halfway point here in the 2009 NFL campaign, and you know what that means...

1.  Andy Reid is getting fatter in order to insulate himself for those chilly Philly winters.
2.  The Cowboys will soon be leading the league in frowny-faces rather than smiles.
3.  The Browns and Redskins will be going down to the wire to find who is the most dysfunctional squadron in the league.

With that being said, here are your glass-jaw, locked-down, guaranteed bets for Week 10.

Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 9

After a well-deserved bye week from the Straight From the Jacket Predictions (what?  Ok fine.  YOU drive from Boston to Denver in 5 days, while having to stay in Kansas for a night because every Interstate into Colorado was more snowpacked than the road up to the hotel in The Shining.  Yeah, that's what I thought.), we here at POFD are back and ready for some action from the Lord's Sport. 

Hot action.

Sweaty action.

Lofty action.

Here are your 100% lead pipe, lock-down, guaranteed predictions for the NFL's Week 9 slate of games.

Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 7

Though the most neck-bearded team in football is currently enjoying its bye week, thus rendering the remaining schedule virtually meaningless to those in the Forgotten Time Zone, the rest of the schedule of games will still go on.  They will survive.  For today, they celebrate, their independence day.

Sorry, Bill Pullman always gets to me...

Let's get this shindig started.  Here are your 100%, guaranteed, gun-toting, git-r-dun predictions for Week 7...

Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 6

Well, it's week 6 in the NFL which really begs the question, what have we learned?

For starters, Mark Sanchez has Poise, Rex Ryan is fat, Terrell Owens was kidnapped, and Tony Romo is (gasp!) still pretty much overrated. 

With that being said, let's begin the lead pipe, lock-down, 100% guaranteed predictions, two days before the day after tomorrow.

Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 5

After yet another taffy-pulling week in the National Football League, let's jump right into the lead-pipe, lock-down 100% guaranteed predictions for Week 5, Chipotlaway not included.

Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 4

This will be a new feature here on Punting on First Down where we will break down each game for the weekend and give you a 100% guaranteed prediction of the upcoming contest as well as let everybody know exactly how it will come to be. 

If you're one of those people that like to bet your second son (or your first daughter if you're Chinese) on whether or not the coin flip lands on heads or tails, look no further than POFD to get your money's worth.

Let's get this party started...