Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 15

Time is ticking down on the 2009 season of the Lord's Sport, people.  If you're like me, you're knee-deep in the fantasy playoffs, cursing the name of Pierre Garcon for getting you one goddamn fantasy point after notching double digits in four of the last six weeks. 

Ass.

But if the fantasy game ain't your thing and the real deal is what you crave, then you, my friend, have come to the right place. 

Here are your ice-box, lead-pipe, lock-down, guaranteed predictions for Week 15...

Colts at Jaguars

Dallas Clark, you are well on your way to earning the distinction of the Fantasy Playoff Party Man.  That's what 5 TDs in two games during the playoffs will do for you.  Hear that, Matt Ryan?  You want my love, you have to earn it.

Colts 35, Jaguars 31

Cowboys at Saints

With the Colts running their record to 14-0, Breesus and the Saints are looking to keep pace with the Peyton Manning Overdrive.  Against the Cowboys, Reggie Bush finally takes off the mesh tank top he continually wears under his uniform, replacing it with a "Who farted?" t-shirt.  Naturally, Bush runs for three TDs and catches another from Brees as the Saints roll.

Saints 33, Cowboys 20

Bears at Ravens

What's it going to take for the entire city of Chicago to revolt against the Emo Avenger in his first season in the Windy City?  On Sunday, we will find out for sure after Cutler is picked off by Ed Reed three times in the first half.  Cutler's reaction after the game:  "You guys just don't understand.  I'm just really not good at football.  I've been trying to tell people that since 2006, but no one believes me.  Hopefully this will end speculation of my greatness on the gridiron."

Ravens 17, Bears 10

Patriots at Bills

The million dollar question for this Sunday's game for the Patriots will be whether or not Randy Moss wants to give it a go and try on, you know, one or two plays.  Moss, however, is still a bit miffed about not getting his just due in POFD's weekly column of Who's the Wider Receiver?  He and TO were the bad boys of the wide receivers long before Chad OchoJohnson showed up.  Moss, however, has yet to come to terms with the fact that he's old news.

Patriots 37, Bills 17

Cardinals at Lions

Boy, for a probable playoff team, the Cardinals sure do look like shit sometimes.  The Lions, fortunately, don't care how badly you want to play, they'll more than likely lose to you anyway.

Cardinals 24, Lions 20

Texans at Rams

With Andre Johnson and Chris Johnson dominating the league at their respective positions, Dwayne Johnson (aka the Rock) lighting up the box office with his super manly films about being tooth fairies or some shit, and Lyndon B. Johnson still ranking as one of the best presidents ever to be killed by his third heart attack, the Rams employ a new tactic of renaming all their players "Johnson" for the game with the Texans, and even get Johnson & Johnson to sponsor the contest.  Maybe even our very own Dick Johnson will uncover some sordid scandal before the game.  Who knows?  Tune in to find out!

Texans 30, Rams 10

Dolphins at Titans

Watching ESPN this morning, NFL analyst Mark Schlereth, or "Stink" as Sir John of Elway knows him, was asked about a plethora of bubble teams on the brink of the postseason including the Dolphins, Ravens, and Jaguars.  Though all teams are either 7-7 or 7-6, Schlereth continually referred to each team as an "outstanding football team," completely disregarding the obvious fact that each one of the squads mentioned are mediocre at best......which is why their records hover at or around .500.  Gotta love that hard-hitting analysis, boys.

Titans 27, Dolphins 24

Browns at Chiefs

I'm almost certain that the Nazis invented the term "schadenfreude" for the sole purpose of describing this game as well as the state of these two franchises.

Browns (I guess?) 8, Chiefs 6

Falcons at Jets

Oh Christ, I forgot.  Schlereth also referred to the 7-6 Jets as "one of the best teams in the league."  While they may be the top defense in YPG allowed and rushing, it's nearly goddamn impossible to call a 7-6 team "one of the best in the league."  Something there just doesn't make sense.

Jets 17, Falcons 10

49ers at Eagles

Contrary to popular belief, the Eagles are still somehow a pretty good football team.  I don't know how they do it every year.  Maybe it's like Andy Reid's cholesterol-clogged heart can wear down opponents' minds the same way it wears down his life expectancy.

Eagles 26, 49ers 17

Raiders at Broncos

So I'm actually teaching my girlfriend about the game of football during this contest on Sunday.  I know that it's kind of harsh to indoctrinate her about the Lord's Sport by watching Charlie Frye hurl footballs wildly into the air, but I figure if she 1) likes the game anyway and 2) wants to watch more after watching this shitshow, then she's definitely a keeper. 

Broncos 30, Raiders 20

Bengals at Chargers

No Chris Henry jokes here, guys.  Sorry. 

Bengals 20, Chargers 19

Packers at Steelers

Now that the Steelers have lost five games in a row, including contests to the Browns, Raiders, and Chiefs, it's now apparent that there is a God, and those asshole pompous Steelers fans can quiet down for a year or so.  Like that stupid Sprint commercial where that bitch of a Steelers fan calls every other team's fans in the country to talk shit.  Goddammit I hate that commercial.  I hope that bitch's phone has been ringing off the hook with people waiting in line to tell her how awesome it is for her stupid team to get their shit kicked by the league's bottom-feeders every week.

Packers 33, Steelers 17

Bucs at Seahawks

Josh Freeman, bless his heart.  He's trying, he really is.  But with that team surrounding him, there is absolutely no way in hell that he's going to be successful, not even a little bit.  With 8 picks in the last two games (Cutler-esque, by the way), Freeman tosses two more in the first quarter, leading Jon Gruden to bench him in favor of Chris Simms.  Wait, who coaches in Tampa anymore?  Ah, who really cares...

Seahawks 4, Bucs 2

Vikings at Panthers

It's really fucking awesome that even in flex-scheduling weeks at the end of the season, we as a country are still subjected to this shit-stammer of a game on Sunday night.  For the appropriate rant on the subject, see Big Daddy Drew's diatribe hyah...

Vikings 27, Panthers 14

Giants at Redskins

And the Redskins yet again get another game on MNF.  I'm assuming it's because all their other contests were so super awesome, that the ESPN brass really wanted some primetime showdown to battle another rerun of How I Met Your Mother.  Seriously, unless Mike Shanahan is hired at halftime and Jim Zorn is castrated in front of a live studio audience, there's no reason to tune into this game.

Giants 19, Redskins 7

Season Record:  96-44