Wry on the Rocks with No Ice: the POFD Inbox

Every week, our inbox is figuratively  and literally flooded (our computers have bad plumbing) with thousands upon thousands of emails from our countless fans. We feel obligated to answer at least 10 lucky fans' (out of thousands, possibly billions, mind you) emails each week. It is our mailbag, of sorts, except nobody has used actual mail since 1997, so we call it our inbox. Unlike every other mailbag ever, though, it will not be vain and self-serving. So, every Wednesday one of us will sit down with a glass of rye (another margarita party) and show the fans we care by responding with half-assed, wry attempts at humor. Send us your emails and questions at our fancy new email account: puntingonfirstdown@gmail.com.

Email #1
From reader gobills?:

Where does Punting on First Down rank among the 10 most popular things of all time?

If I were to guess, that list goes something like this:
1. Sex
2. Alcohol
3. Sandwiches
4. TV
5. Punting on First Down
6. Air Conditioning
7. Oasis (the band)
8. The Beatles
9. Jesus
10. Puppies

Email #2
From reader bodycountsinthehousebodycount:

What's the best Van Damme movie?

Well, they are all good really. But the top three are most definitely Bloodsport, Hard Target and Universal Soldier. To narrow it down from there would be a crime. But what the hell, crime is cool right? Just don't tell the authorities. Bloodsport is obviously a classic and it's where Donald Gibb really came into his own as an actor. Hard Target is an all around masterpiece with an outstanding story, brilliant John Woo pingeony slowmo, and Van Damme driving a motorcycle full speed, head on at a much larger van, then leaping off the motorcycle at the last minute while it crashes into the van and then shooting out the gas tank of the van so that everything explodes conveniently. Then there is Universal Soldier. I'll put it this way: Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, Roland Emmerich. Enough said. I think you know which is the best Van Damme movie.

Email #3
From reader Gruden:

Why the hell didn't you put my quote in there? Al Michaels? This guy Michaels isn't a player. He doesn't know anything about football players. I call this guy the BASEBALL ANNOUNCER. And I mean that as an insult because I don't love this guy.

Sorry, Mr. Gruden, but that 69 face quote was just too precious to pass up.

Email #4
From reader darklordbelichick:

Is the Patriots dynasty over?

If it was a dynasty, yes. They were an elite team for many years. Now they are just a pretty good team. But I know how they can fix it. Sign Bernie Kosar. Plain and simple.

Email #5
From reader ChrisHenrysLawyer:

How about those Bengals? Elite team or what?

Uhh... I'm gonna have to go with what. These teams happen all the time. Some shitty ass coach (Marvin Lewis) all of a sudden has a completely random good season, gets tons of credit and then the team goes right back to sucking again. It happened to the Dolphins, the Jets, the Redskins, the Browns majorly, Kansas in college fb. And it's about to happen to the Bengals, Vikings and Cincinnati (college fb). You heard it here first.

Email #6
From reader OnlyPersonWhoGoesToJaguarsHomeGames:

Have you heard of the Jaguars? They actually are pretty good.

I know. Crazy right? They have five rookie starters and 14 starters with 3 years or less of NFL experience. After "short shorts" Del Rio almost got himself fired in the offseason, he's found himself with a team that might be contending for a while.

Email #7
From reader Matt Moore:

What should the Panthers do about their quarterback situation?

What quarterback situation? Nah, just kidding. They need to start drafting QBs in a hurry. They might take Clausen, Bradford or Locker, whoever is available. But their best bet is to stick with what has worked for them: sign Chris Masson whenever he comes out of ragin' cajunhood, make him the starting quarterback until he has a massive playoff meltdown with five plus interceptions, rinse, repeat.

Email #8
From reader I'llCastASpellOnYourAssWithMyFoot:

Are all the questions this week going to be about deadly cat-themed teams?

How did you know which questions I was going to choose? You crazy mind reader, you. Yes, by the way, from now on this will be a Cincinnati Bengals, Carolina Panthers, Jacksonville Jaguars, Detroit Lions, Detroit Tigers, Charlotte Bobcats, Florida Panthers blog. Get used to it.

Email #9
From reader RandyHanson:

Has Tom Cable ever assaulted you?

/starts crying
Yes. Can we please not talk about it?

Email #10
From reader BradChildress:

What do you think of the beard?

Um, you already looked like a rapist with those glasses. Now you add the pedophile beard. Lemme guess, you drive a van right?