Jesus Talks 1:2

When he's not performing resurrections, magic, turning water into wine at 9th grade parent's basement parties, and moving Ouija planchettes, Punting on First Down asks Mr. Jesus Christ to take time out of his busy schedule to let us all know what he thinks about recent NFL stories. Though we asked for parables and aphorisms, Jesus, powerful as he is, decided rambling diatribes would suffice. Here are his teachings...

Yea, my children. You know, I never liked that intro. Stupid neutral Bible. I always introed with: "Where my party people at?" to which the crowd would respond with thunderous applause. But those Bible writers thought I should sound wise and benevolent. Screw that. I'm a Jesus that likes to party, now bring on the Zimas.

It's Sunday. My day. You'd think I'd be busy, but all I really do is sit on ass while everybody talks about how rad I am. Really, it's the easiest day of the week for me. You think being told by billions how awesome you are 52 times a year for 2010 years doesn't get old? It does.

Sorry, I'm rambling. Let's get to football.

Lots of good match-ups today. You've get Indy v. Denver, Cincy v. Minnesota, SD v. Dallas, Philly v. Football Giants. I'll be giving you the old Jesus breakdown for these games all.

Indy v. Denver

Kyle Orton's parents where at the game last weekend. Didn't see neckbeards on either of them. No bottles of Jack Daniels either. As I've said before, a beard shows ambition and nobility. Could Peyton grow one? I doubt it, but he's got the bearded air to him. But a beard on that face? No thank you. Plus, nobody likes beards in their advertising these days. Except Geico.

Cincy v. Minnesota

You guys love this Favre guy so much, you'd think he was me. I'm none to get jealous, but maybe you ought to check this guy out before you anoint him the messiah. I've heard stories that he date-raped a girl in high school. Not saying it's true, but you never know. Plus, I never trust a man who wears a weathered t-shirt to a press conference. What's on his agenda?

SD v. Dallas

I know that Phillip Rivers does a lot of things in my name, but I'll go ahead and go on record and say that he doesn't represent me. What's with this no sex 'til marriage deal, huh? Why would I do that to you people? I believe Dad said be fruitful and multiply. You don't even have to multiply. You can go ahead and wear a condom and go through the motions for multiplication. Tony Romo does it all the time. You know I'll be looking out for him when he's holding kicks today.

Philly v. Football Giants

Terrific game all around. These are always fun. But I have more important things to address: the "Football" Giants. There hasn't been a Giants baseball team in New York for 50 years. The Arizona Giants played football in St Louis with the baseball Cardinals up until 1987, a mere 20 years ago. Yet, nobody calls them the "Football" Cardinals. Well, I'm starting that action up. They are the Arizona "Football" Cardinals. You heard it here first.

Enjoy the games, all my party people.

Amen.