When Dick Johnson isn't penetrating deeply into the NFL's most taciturn stories, he is working the phone, talking to sources, and uncovering yet-to-be released stories--the stories Adam Schefter has wet dreams about uncovering. We don't even call them rumors, because we know Dick Johnson is that good. If you wanted to hear it first, you've come to the right place.Saturday Six
1. Perhaps lightning does strike twice - In 2008, Vince young was put on a suicide watch because of depression caused by being booed. He has once again become suicidal after suffering another minor setback. I have word from inside sources in the Titans, saying that when Young aggravated a sore knee in practice, casting doubt on his ability to play Sunday, he immediately broke down in tears, yelling, "Why? Why? Why does this have to happen to me? A sore knee? This is the worst that could possibly happen to anyone, ever. Maybe I should just end it all." The Titans have assigned Young a personal therapist and will be monitoring him carefully.
2. Gun too far - My Saints sources tell me that Sean Payton has an important announcement before Sunday's game. Payton reportedly will issue a "bet" to Saints fans. If the Saints don't run the table, and go undefeated, he will allow them to come over to his house and shoot, not only his tv, but his entire mansion-esque estate. No word yet on whether or not Payton will include Reggie Bush and his contract in the "bet."
3. Sue or be sued - My inside sources in the LAW industry (That's right I have sources EVERYWHERE. I even know exactly what happened with Tiger Woods and with whom he has had affairs.) say that Shawne Merriman will sue reality star Tila Tequila for "her not letting him choke her." I was even able to obtain an abstract in re Merriman's defense:
4. Ambiguity, thy Name is Tomlin - I reported last week that Steelers coach Mike Tomlin was going to "unleash hell" on his opponents, but then seemingly unleashed it on his own players. Turns out, what he meant was, he was going to unleash hell on Steelers fans, which explains the five-game losing streak, including lost games to the Chiefs, Raiders and Browns. Tomlin told me early Saturday morning that "Steelers fans have been spoiled. Six Super Bowls? That's not fair to every other teams' fans. It's about time Steeler fans were shown what disappointment feels like." I also asked him if he was actually Omar Epps, to which he responded, "No, that's just a character I play."Mr. Merriman has choked several women in his life, and raped even more, and these deeds have gone unpunished. By not punishing Mr. Merriman for his many chokes and rapes, the law has set a precedent. This precedent cannot be changed because one of his victims finally decided to press charges.
5. The Be-lame Game? (ed. note - Zing!) - Raiders quarterback JeMarcus Russel has reportedly blamed Raiders receivers for a lot of his supposed follies. When I contacted Russel about the interview, he told me that "in the NFL, receivers should be able to jump 20 yards and make one handed catches in triple coverage. I need my receivers to do that because that's my style of quarterbacking. Missing receivers by 20 yards and throwing into triple coverage is just how I play. They should respect that. It's a team effort out there. I can't do it all by myself."
6. If at first you don't succeed... - It has been reported that the Washington Redskins have already begun scouting quarterbacks in the 2010 draft, with Dan Snyder even getting in on the scouting. I have heard from a very high source, legally I can't confirm that it was Dick Snyder (wink), that the Redskins plan to draft Jimmy Clausen in the first round, Colt McCoy early in the second round, and Tim Tebow with their third pick. They expect to sign each of them to contracts with at least $60 million guaranteed.
The Amplest Alliterative Assemblage of Afflictions
(aka the Injury Report)
-Brian Westbrook is ruled out with a bout of hypochondria
-Jake Delhomme is ruled out of Sunday's contest with a broken hand and a broken spirit
-Mike Sims-Walker is ruled out Sunday with a hyphenated-calf-strain-injury
-Ed Reed is doubtful with a strained ligament in his beard
-Tom Brady is questionable with sore eyes, which he accidentally sprayed with Stetson cologne
-Brett Favre is probable for Sunday after playing a pain-free game of interracial touch football with interracial labradors running around in a Mississippi field
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