Welcome back to your Straight from the Jacket Predictions for Week 13, and I must ask, where the hell were you? Huh?? That's it. Go to your room. No dessert for you tonight!
Wondering what the hell I'm talking about? Me too.
On that note, here are your lead-pipe, five-card, 100% guaranteed predictions for Week 13 of the Lord's Sport...
Jets at Bills
M-E-T-S, Jets Mets Jets!
Jets 19, Bills 13
Eagles at Falcons
(cue dramatic Michael Bay music)
A city slighted...
A fallen hero returns...
The question remains...
Does anybody really fucking care anymore?
Michael Vick, Donovan McNabb, an injured Matt Ryan in...
ALL DOGS GO TO HELLLLLLLLLL
rated PG-13
Eagles 17, Falcons 10
Bucs at Panthers
Well, John Fox has finally done it. Fed up with interception-happy Jake Delhomme, Fox has finally sent his Cajun reject to the bench in favor of Matt Moore (who?). They're saying it's because Delhomme "injured" his "finger" but the rest of the story unfolds like a Mario Puzo novel.
No word yet on whether or not Fox hired goons to break Jake's index finger, but I'm just saying somebody should look into it.
Bucs 20, Panthers 17
Rams at Bears
Even the Dark Sulk shouldn't even be able to bollocks this game against the lowly Rams, but don't count out the Emo Avenger just yet. After being called out by Brian Urlacher earlier in the week, Jay Cutler looks to prove his doubters wrong, but an ominous sign comes his way when he pulls his car into the stadium. While tossing the keys to his 1998 Ciera to the valet, a homeless man snatches the key ring out of midair and drives off with Cutler's Cutlass.
Bears 24, Rams 21
Lions at Bengals
The recently signed Larry Johnson had quite a game in his first outing with the Cincinnati ballclub, gaining a season-high 107 yards in last week's affair with the Browns. Coincidentally, a mass exodus of strippers and "friendly women" over the Ohio River took place after the game after Johnson celebrated by hawking loogies on random ladies on the street. Someone should tell him, a simple pat on the ass will suffice...
Bengals 16, Lions 7
Titans at Colts
After throwing for 387 yards last week, Vince Young comes into this showdown with the Colts with a heaping helping of false confidence. Thinking he's now a pocket passer in the vein of his counterpart Peyton Manning, Young calls eight audibles per play at the line of scrimmage. The part he didn't think through, however, was that nobody else on his team knew what the fuck he was talking about. Slurring and speaking mostly in tongues, Young forgets what set the Titans on their six-game winning streak: getting the ball to Chris Johnson early, often, late, and otherwise.
Colts 31, Titans 21
Texans at Jaguars
So I was reading CNN.com today, because hey, the world is cool n stuff, and I saw that the Vatican just made a Myspace page with a playlist of songs that fit their doctrine of belief. Not surprisingly, Tupac's "Changes" made the final 12. I don't have a joke. I'm going to let you make your own.
Texans 33, Jaguars 17
Broncos at Chiefs
Much is being made about the Broncos lifetime record of 1-16 in games played in December in Arrowhead Stadium. I'm not convinced, however. My confidence rests in the fact that Matt Cassel is the Chiefs quarterback and that Todd Haley is the Chiefs head coach. Those factors alone should be more than enough to allow the Broncos emerge victorious. If not, I'd love to see an on-field brawl between Haley and Josh McDaniels. I think it would be akin to a playground brawl when you were in second grade. Name-calling and hair-pulling are fair game.
Broncos 27, Chiefs 17
Patriots at Dolphins
After getting thoroughly Breesus-ed last week against the undefeated Saints, the Patriots go back to the drawing board before their match with the Dolphins. After poring over hours and hours of videotape, eventually Tom Brady erupts and smashes the television, scattering pieces of hard plastic and shards of glass all throughout the tape room. Finally coming to the realization that Chad Henne is no Drew Brees, the Patriots breathe a sigh of relief and slaughter the Dolphins like a group of Japanese whalers.
Patriots 36, Dolphins 16
Raiders at Steelers
There is a new movement in Oakland for Al Davis to hire a General Manager instead of keeping Skeletor in the seat which controls all player personnel for the team. Unfortunately for Raiders fans, they don't understand that Davis hasn't had to make a decision more thoughtful than "should I shit my pants? Or should I not shit my pants?" in over a decade.
Steelers 17, Raiders 7
Saints at Redskins
For Mr. Rudnick's sake, I'm going to let him down easy on this one. Hey buddy, you remember that time when you were a little kid, and your puppy got really, really sick? Your mom took him to the vet, but your puppy didn't get better. Your mom said your puppy needed to sleep for a while, and you agreed. When your mom went out back with your puppy, and you heard a gunshot, you didn't think anything of it. Then, you got a new puppy, but it had AIDS.
Sorry, that story didn't end happily. Neither will this game for the Redskins.
Saints 34, Redskins 10
Chargers at Browns
Jesus, this game sucks.
Chargers 44, Browns 9
Cowboys at Giants
Unstoppable? Eli Manning is. Unless, of course, you pressure him slightly, force him out of the pocket, or take away his running game. Then, he is very, very stoppable.
Cowboys 8, Giants 6
49ers at Seahawks
I've been doing these predictions for quite a good number of weeks now, and for the life of me, I cannot find anything interesting to say about the Seattle Seahawks. Am I alone on this one? Do we have any readership in the Seattle area? If we do, please let me know why I should care about this team, or at least something interesting about the club. Please. I'm begging you. We still have four more weeks of these predictions, and I'm running out of Pearl Jam jokes.
49ers 20, Seahawks 17
Vikings at Cardinals
Christianity-enthusiast Kurt Warner sat out last week's game with a "head-owey", technical term, while the Godless One-Derr Matt Leinart beer-bonged his way to a bumbling defeat to the Titans in the waning seconds. With Warner back, this game will have Jesus pulling for them, but gunslinger-extraordinaire Brett Favre will throw, I dunno, 8 or 9 touchdowns against this Cards D. Mark it down.
Vikings 69, Cardinals 23
Ravens at Packers
This game is a matchup of two of the best fantasy players in the game today in Aaron Rodgers and Ray Rice. Not to be a braggadoccio or anything, but they're the main reasons why I'm first place in my fantasy league this season...
/cracks knuckles pretentiously
//remembers that his team was auto-drafted
///and that he was given the number one pick for some reason
////cracks knuckles pretentiously
Packers 29, Ravens 21
Season Record: 72-37 (oh yeah, 14-2 record last week)
You read CNN.com? Gay. In addition to the Tupac craziness, if you look down at the bottom, they chose a Fleet Foxes song to represent them. Is the Catholic Church a bunch of indie hipsters now? When is the Pope going to make a public appearance in tight jeans and flannel?
ReplyDeleteHe's got to make sure the jeans are rolled up just so, and get some sweet hipster glasses too to complement his disassociation from mainstream society.
ReplyDelete