That Makes Me a Sad Cutler: Adventures in Majestic Pigskin Fuck-ups

Each Monday, in honor of Jay Cutler, master of the team-crippling interception, Punting on First Down chronicles football players fucking up so badly, that you can blame them single-handedly for their team's loss. Exaggerations and hyperbole abound.

This week provided myriad candidates (Chiefs rush D, the Seahawks entire team, Mark Sanchez, the Broncos D in the 4th quarter, Adrian Peterson), but no one truly separated from the entire pack like the man, the myth, the legend... Jay Cutler himself.


7.9 passer rating, folks. He completed 10 passes in 27 attempts (37%) for a whopping 94 yards (3.4 yards per attempt). He even managed to throw 3 interceptions, including one of his patented redzone interceptions. That makes it his seventh multi-interception game of the year. In a year full of astoundingly pathetic performances (against the 49ers especially), this might have been his worst.

It just goes to show you, a great offensive line and really good receivers can make any quarterback look not awful. When you play with the Bears offensive line and a converted punt returner/defensive back/whatever the hell he is as your #1 wideout, you get exposed for being the awful decision maker that you are.

Which leads me to a new section of That Makes Me A Sad Cutler (starting to rack them up, I know)...

The Gritty Neckbearded Performer of the Week

Named in honor of the man who replaced Cutler and has played pretty well, this award goes to the player who, each week, most exemplifies neckbearded underrated anonymity-turned pretty decent.

Matt Moore

That guy that replaced Jake Delhomme, who has the easiest job in world--playing better than Jake Delhomme, came out and threw for 3 TDs and almost 300 yards (299) on the Vikings roundly praised defense. The oft-gritty and neckbearded Jared Allen was able to sack and force a fumble on Moore, but like a true neckbeard, he doesn't let anything phase him. Though he doesn't actually have a neckbeard, he played quite neckbeardedly and somehow won the game against all odds and logic. Get yourself a bottle of Jack Daniels, and throw away your razor, Mr. Moore.

And the nominees are...

The season is starting to wind down (tear) and it's about that time to get ready for the offseason awards. Punting on First Down has its own offseason awards, which shall hereonafter be referred to as the Cutlers (patent pending). Each week in That Makes Me Sad Cutler, we'll reveal a new award and the nominees, as well a summary of their "qualifications," which, as the quotes imply, will be sarcastic. All of these awards are memorials to still-alive people who are dead to the football world.

The Al Davis Memorial Award for Outstanding Ownership and/or Front Office Work

-Al Davis

-Matt Millen

-Dan Snyder

The Steve Spurrier Memorial Award for Outstanding Coaching
-Steve Spagnuolo
-Eric Mangini
-Tom Cable


The Ryan Leaf Memorial Award for Rookie of the Year
Nominees:
-Andre Smith - After going from being the premier offensive lineman in the draft, to a character case basically because of this picture, Smith was drafted by the Bengals number 6 overall--a gamble according to many. After ending a long holdout, Smith signed a four year contract and immediately showed the Bengals he was worth it by breaking his foot just days later. He didn't return to the Bengals until December and has since shown his touted run-blocking skills in practice and on the bench while the Bengals have show one of the best running attacks in football without him.

-Darrius Heyward-Bey - Another Al Davis gem, "DHB" was drafted for his incredible speed and athletic ability. Unexpectedly, the Raiders quickly discovered he also had an incredible ability to drop passes. The Raiders have such depth at wide receiver that they are content to use him infrequently while he can improve under the tutelage of such future hall of fame wide receivers as Louis Murphy, Chaz Schilens, and Johnnie Lee Higgins. He has managed 11 starts for the Raiders this season and has caught an unbelievable 9 passes for 124 yards.

-That is basically it. This year has seen a lot of successful first round picks. Matt Stafford and Mark Sanchez are possibilities, but it's a bit unfair to judge a quarterback on their rookie year, horrendous though they have been. There's also Ziggy Hood, who has done absolutely nothing, but Steelers defensive players never do anything their first year or two and always somehow end up good later.

Semi-Brief, Ill-Advised Rant of the Week in Fifteen Seconds or Less

I am in two fantasy leagues and I made it to the playoffs in both. In one, I even scored the most points and got the #2 seed (stupid undefeated jerk with an easy schedule got #1). Then, in the playoffs, God somehow decided I should face the team with Chris Johnson in BOTH leagues. How is that fair? For all the other big names (Purple Jesus, MJD, etc), you think beforehand, "I hope they stay under ten points." For Chris Johnson, it's "I hope he scores less than 20 points." The man should not exist in a just world. He is what everyone thought Reggie Bush would be. Not only does he run faster than a Cheetah on methamphetamine, he also is a downhill runner who hits the hole and runs, often to the house. One-cut downhill runners are supposed to be slow and bruising, not unbelievably fast. Chris Johnson will pretty much single-handedly kick me out of the playoffs in one league and, unless Steve Smith (NYG) and Lawrence Tynes can muster just 6 points, he'll kick me out of the playoffs in my other league. You basically have to put all 11 players in the box and stop covering the wide receivers to stop the man. Not fair.

Monday Night Most Probable Fucker-Up

Eli Manning

As unstoppable as one Elisha Nelson Manning is, the Redskins defense has been pretty damn good of late, especially against the run. With Haynesworth back, and actually doing something for the massive amount of money they pay him, I'm guessing Brandon Jacobs and the Giants' rushing attack gets stopped dead in its tracks, and thus forcing Eli to throw a lot. Then Brian Orakpo will get up in his grill, like Elvis Dumervil did on Thanksgiving, and Eli will have no clue what to do. He'll throw for about 200 yards, which isn't bad, but he'll throw two picks and his 200 yards will be on 40+ attempts, making it far less impressive.