Wry on the Rocks with No Ice: the POFD Inbox

Every week, our inbox is figuratively  and literally flooded (our computers have bad plumbing) with thousands upon thousands of emails from our countless fans. We feel obligated to answer at least 5 lucky fans' (out of thousands, possibly billions, mind you) emails each week. It is our mailbag, of sorts, except nobody has used actual mail since 1997, so we call it our inbox. Unlike every other mailbag ever, though, it will not be vain and self-serving. So, every Wednesday one of us will sit down with a glass of rye (just wine tonight) and show the fans we care by responding with half-assed, wry attempts at humor. Send us your emails and questions at our fancy new email account: puntingonfirstdown@gmail.com.

Sorry, millions and billions of fans. The mailbag is going to be cut down to 5 emails each week. Maybe next season, if there is worldwide public outcry, we will go back to 10. Until then...

Email #1
From reader JeanClaudeVanDammeRules:

The question from last week about VanDamme movies got me wondering what your top five movie scenes of all time would be. That VanDamme motorcycle scene has to fit in somewhere, right?

Maybe. It is quite the scene. But I would probably have two lists. One would be for arty movies, which would include things like the "Singin' in the Rain" scene in A Clockwork Orange, the "Heil Hitler" scene in Barton Fink, the denouement of There Will Be Blood and the scene in Mean Creek when they are on the riverside after the kid dies. But not everything has to be about death and rape (take note, indie filmmakers). My main list would be for trashy, awesome movies. It would include, in no particular order:
-In The Day After Tomorrow, when they run from the ice.
-In Megaforce, when Barry Bostwick ignites the rockets on his motorcycle, allowing him to fly his motorcycle into a flying plane.
-In Jurrassic Park, pretty much whenever velociraptors show up.
-In MXP: Most Extreme Primate, when the monkey snowboards. (Honorable Mention: "going to the chalet to monch on some ammiches.")
-In Teen Wolf, when he first plays basketball as the wolf. (Note: This movie is also educational. I didn't know that wolves can jump like 20 feet in the air, thereby allowing them to dunk.)

Email #2
From reader TedyBruschi'sHairgel:

Does Tom Brady have Dexter hair or what?

Yes. And yes. What if Tom Brady is secretly a serial killer? If Mr. perfectly charmed life was a total psycho? Hmmmm. They should jail him on suspicion. Quickly before the playoffs. And that reminds me, why do all dramatic TV shows think they need to kill off a major character somewhere in the 3rd or 4th season? It happened in Six Feet Under (or did it?) and Lost (I still miss little Charlie). Now Dexter. Lame. You don't have to confuse us, TV. You can just keep churning out the same old stuff for like ten seasons until we notice and it gets stale (ahem... Simpsons, South Park).


Email #3
From reader jerkbag:

To Eric, why have your posts been lazy and weak of late?

Cause Punting on First Down doesn't pay us salary. After the holiday season, I might be able to have time to do something funny. Not short on ideas, folks, just time.
/removes glasses dramatically
If we give the blogger a time transplant...

Email #4
From reader broughttoyoubyFedEx:

How about them Redskins? Not to shabby.

Though it was against the Raiders, I have to say, the Redskins aren't all that bad. They beat the Broncos (sad trumpet: WAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAHHHH), and were very competitive with the Saints and Eagles. On top of that, Jason Campbell has an 89 passer rating and already has a career-high in touchdowns. He should finish with career-highs in yards, completion percentage, and yards per attempt. Do I smell a Jim Zorn contract extension?

Email #5
From reader TedTebow:

Where does Tebow land in the NFL?

I see a year or two on somebody's practice squad (Redskins maybe) and then a successful career with Manila Circumcisions of the Filipino Football League.