Dick Johnson's Saturday Six: The Least Inventive Scuttlebutt in All of Sports

When Dick Johnson isn't penetrating deeply into the NFL's most taciturn stories, he is working the phone, talking to sources, and uncovering yet-to-be released stories--the stories Adam Schefter has wet dreams about uncovering. We don't even call them rumors, because we know Dick Johnson is that good. If you wanted to hear it first, you've come to the right place.

Saturday Six

1. I have tips from four sources saying the Washington Redskins have already begun their annual free agent spending spree and inked a contract with MLB free agent Matt Holliday, somewhere in the neighborhood of $100 million over 7 years. I contacted Redkins owner Daniel Snyder and asked him why the team was so interested in signing an MLB player, to which he replied, "Shit," and hung up the phone. Ten minutes later he called me back to tell me: "Matt Holliday was a more highly touted high school quarterback than Carson Palmer. We believe he is ready and able to run an NFL offense. We're very excited about installing him in our offense.

2. Immediately after both Adrian Peterson and Bernard Berrian were caught speeding in excess of 100 miles per hour, fellow Minnesota Viking Brett Favre has reportedly been ticketed for going 45 miles per hour under the speed limit. Favre was driving his Buick LeSabre down a Minnesota freeway, going 30 mph in a 75 mph zone. Favre who is 40-years old, elderly by NFL standards, was taking his family to the Golden Corral just down the interstate from Minneapolis. Favre told me that he was in no rush and that he can't believe how fast kids drive these days.

3. The ever-expanding concussion issue in the NFL has no made it off the field and into the press box. The NFL has issued statements to such concussion-cases as Troy Aikman, Steve Young and Merril Hoge, informing them that they may have to sit out for a period of time, until signs of injury recede. Hoge is the most notable. After doctors examined Hoge, they said it could years, possibly lifetimes before he would be able to form a cogent thought and express it clearly.

4. An anonymous Pittsburgh Steeler player informed me via text that he was becoming concerned about his safety in the Steelers locker room. After citing the movie Gladiator, saying the Steelers would "unleash hell," head coach Mike Tomlin has reportedly begun wielding a Roman war sword around the locker room and at practice. The player told me, "He keeps yelling, 'What we do in life echoes in eternity!' and waving the sword around. I'm afraid someone will get struck by an errant sword wave or coach might lose grip of the sword and end up stabbing someone."

5. After years of inter-conference trading, the league has announced its first inter-league trade. Commisioner Goodell informed me personally that he has decided to trade the St. Louis Rams to the UFL in exchange for the champion Las Vegas Locomotives. Goodell told me competitive balance was essential to the NFL and that the Rams were offsetting that with their poor play.

6. Just today it was reported that Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs has had a restraining order taken against him by his girlfriend. The reasons for the restraining order, however, have not been made public. So, I contacted my sources and did the REAL reporting. Turns out, Suggs physically and verbally attacked his girlfriend after he discovered that, like much of the world's female population, she was having sexual relations with Tiger Woods.

The Amplest Alliterative Assemblage of Afflictions (aka the Injury Report)

-Matt Ryan is out Sunday with several nicks suffered while shaving.
-Joseph Addai is probable Sunday, suffering from not being needed with Peyton Manning playing.
-Mark Sanchez is questionable for next week with a sprained PCL suffered from acute unbounded poise in his right knee.
-Shawne Merriman is questionable for Sunday with a wrist sprain caused by choking several women.
-Tony Romo is probable with a case of syphillis.
-Jeremy Shockey is probable for Sunday, but could miss the game because there is a Staind concert the night before and he might be really hungover.