When Dick Johnson isn't penetrating deeply into the NFL's most taciturn stories, he is working the phone, talking to sources, and uncovering yet-to-be released stories--the stories Adam Schefter has wet dreams about uncovering. We don't even call them rumors, because we know Dick Johnson is that good. If you wanted to hear it first, you've come to the right place.1. Mincing Words - Seahawks coach Jim Mora opened up to me about his comments about the apparent softness of his Seawawks players:
2. TV for the VIP Passes - I have received word from several sources that the NFL has reached an exclusive deal with DirecTV concerning the NFL Network. Now, the NFL Network will only be available on DirecTV for the price of $700 per month. In addition, the NFL has revoked broadcast rights from all the other major stations. This means all NFL games will only be broadcast on NFL Network, one game at a time, based on regional mapping, only on DirecTV, for the price of $700 a month. This means that roughly 4 people will be able to watch NFL games. It is just another step in the NFL's long-term plan to not let anyone watch NFL games ever.Like I said, I want a bunch of dirtbags on my team. I'm talking backwards cap, goatee--the whole works. Hell, I'll give them roofies at practice if that inspires dirtbaggedness in them. Playing Korn and Linkin Park at practice hasn't worked yet. I've spoke with my GM and scouts and we've made a conscious decision to scout for dirtbags. We've even sent scouts incognito to see college players at college parties, paying careful attention to the players who try scurrilous pick-up lines, inevitably fail and just end up waiting until the girl passes out drunk, so that he may take advantage of her. That's the kind of football player I want. (ed. note: How much further can I take this one joke? How about like five paragraphs?)
3. A Bridge too Favre - My close friend and confidante, Brett Favre, recently spoke to me off the record (Dick Johnson doesn't care what's on and off the record.) about his suggestion of retirement if the Vikings won the Super Bowl. He laid out his entire plan, which goes as follows:
-If the Vikings win the Super Bowl, he will retire.
-If the Vikings lose in the NFC Championship, he'll sign on for another year with the Vikings and give it another go.
-If the Vikings lose in the first round of the playoffs, he'll retire saying he just can't compete physically, wait til August and then sign with the Jacksonville Jaguars, once he realizes he's sick of spending time with his wife and children (The option he has been forced to resort to for the past four years).
4. Reunited and It Peels So Good - My many Redskins sources tell me the Shanahan contract is a mere formality at this point. He will be head coach of the Redskins next season. The real story is what Shanahan is planning. According to one source, he and new GM Bruce Allen are already in preliminary negotiations with the Chicago Bears to acquire Jay Cutler. The Redskins would send Jason Campbell and a first round pick to the Bears for Cutler. Apparently, Shanahan is not interested in tutoring Jason Campbell, since his high melanin content is not conducive to the tanning salon, which is where Shanahan prefers to do most of his film study and game-planning. No word yet on Shanahan's new preferred skin pigmentation. Now that he will be coaching the Redskins, his usual glowing Broncos orange would not be appropriate. Sources close to Shanahan say he is considering getting a massive sunburn before each game to mimic the Redskins maroon, hoping to maintain the reddish hue before his skin peels.
5. Whine Flu - It was recently reported that the St. Louis Rams had to cancel practice because many of their players contracted swine flu. Well, I hear, from my sources in the Rams front office, that they canceled practice because a lot of the players decided they were sick of playing for the Rams and didn't want to be on the Rams anymore. The holdout lasted only a day, once the players realized that they wouldn't be collecting their massive paychecks anymore. In a positive PR move, the Rams spun us the swine flu excuse, just to save the team and its already poor situation.
6. It's the Law - Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco is reportedly attempting to pay tribute to the fallen by wearing Chris Henry's jersey for the game on Sunday. The NFL did not look well upon this, saying they would fine Ochocinco, to which the Player's Association responded by saying they would pay for the fine. I hear others have gotten in on the act too. North Carolina (where the accident occurred), Ohio (home of the Bengals), and California (where Sunday's game will be played) state law enforcement have all agreed to subsidize Ochocinco for any fines he receives for the next three years in the NFL if, in addition to Henry's jersey, Ochcocinco wears a car seat belt over his jersey that reads, "Buckle Up!" in large print. The three states hope it will lead to a big step forward in their campaigns to prevent people from riding in the backs of trucks (especially in North Carolina, because 97% in the population of that state drives a pick-up, according to a recent survey).
The Amplest Alliterative Assemblage of Afflictions
(aka the Injury Report)
-Albert Haynesworth is probable for the Redskins' Monday night game, after realizing he should probably play, considering the amount of money they pay him.
-A.J. Hawk is probable for the Packer's game against the Steelers with an ankle injury suffered while blow-drying his hair.
-Tom Brady is questionable Sunday after missing practice all week because he couldn't decide what outfit he wanted to wear in his post-game press conference.
-Vince Young is questionable Sunday due to a strained hamstring suffered going to too many shirtless drinking parties.
-Troy Polamalu is ruled out for Sunday's game with a case of severe dandruff.
-Michael Turner is questionable for Sunday with a massive fantasy bed-shitting.
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