Hello, there. It's Anthony with your fantasy awards. Will Smith! Ravioli rocks! Go Azzurri! Ohio State rules when they aren't losing to shitty unranked teams! Just kidding. It's Eric. Pretty good impression though, huh? Well, Antonio Sabato Masterson Jr. informed me of the picks this week, so I guess I shall present them to you. Begrudgingly. Because I disagree with them. But, nonetheless, 'tis his column and I must honor his choices. Chiggity check the picks before you riggity riggity wreck yourself.Party Man
Robert Meachem
142 yards and a touchdown is a party and half. It's like a party that you create on facebook and everyone is "Maybe Attending" but then they all show up AND they bring booze. And the host plays shuffle on their iPod and still somehow every song rules. No Coldplay. Just Chumbawumba and Marcy Playground and awesome. Everyone gets shitfaced and has an amazing time. But Wait! There's More! The magical drug fairy (Meachem's bizarre and insane fumble recovery for a touchdown) comes and offers everyone any drug they desire and everyone at the party gets laid and wakes up with that half-drunk, half-conscious bliss that is somewhere between the mayhem of the night before and the reality of the day after. They sit in the morning sunlight and think, What an incredible night. That's Robert Meachem's game on Sunday. In a nutshell.
Douche
Adrian Peterson
Let's be honest. Anthony only thinks he's the fantasy douche because he's on Anthony's team. Because Anthony always gets the number one overall pick. Booo Hooo! He only scored five points! His LOWEST of the season. Half the fucking starting running backs in the NFL are lucky to score five points in a game, let alone it be their lowest output for the entire season. Big fucking deal. Scoring five or fewer points has happened to: Chris Johnson, Maurice Jones-Drew, Ray Rice, Thomas Jones, DeAngelo Williams (twice), Joseph Addai, Michael Turner, Kevin Smith, Matt Forte, Drew Brees, Tom Brady, Matt Schaub, Ben Roethlisberger, Kurt Warner, Randy Moss, Larry Fitzgerald, Reggie Wayne, Miles Austin, Andre Johnson, Roddy White, DeSean Jackson, Wes Welker, Marques Colston, Vincent Jackson, both Steve Smiths, Sidney Rice, Hines Ward, Percy Harvin, Donald Driver, Brandon Marshall, and almost the entire fucking NFL. How about Anquan Boldin or Clinton Portis or Steve Slaton being second round picks and not scoring jack shit all year. Now that's a fantasy douche. Not an offensive focal point whom everyone thinks is a hall of famer-in-waiting who just happens to have one average game out of the entire year.
Objectivity is the name of the game. I'm just pissed I lost to Nick last week.
ReplyDeleteBut don't worry, I'm fucking ready for the playoffs. That crazy Georgian is goin down like Kaka Kaladze in a World Cup qualifier.
Well, to be fair, Kaladze would score an own goal first and then go down.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if we both make the championship game in two weeks (fingers crossed), we should do some sort of public shit talking post on the blog.