When Dick Johnson isn't penetrating deeply into the NFL's most taciturn stories, he is working the phone, talking to sources, and uncovering yet-to-be released stories--the stories Adam Schefter has wet dreams about uncovering. We don't even call them rumors, because we know Dick Johnson is that good. If you wanted to hear it first, you've come to the right place.1. A Broken Heart - My medical sources (Jay Glazer ain't got shit on me) inform me that many of heart problems for recently resigned Florida Gators coach Urban Meyer were caused by the stress of facing the fact that he would no longer be able to coach Tim Tebow after this season. A close friend of Meyer, who wished to remain anonymous, told me that Meyer plans to see where Tebow goes in the NFL draft and immediately submit his application for a coaching position with that team. Assuming he then signs Tebow to a lifetime contract (much like Steve Young's USFL contract), Meyer will have found a cure for his heart problems, in that he'll have Tebow to coach until he chooses to end his career.
2. No "Al" in Team - I spoke to Redskins defensive coordinator Greg Blache about Albert Haynesworth's comments that the team was against him. Blache told me, "It's true. It has been a longstanding Redskins policy to overpay for a player and then specifically design schemes that don't suit the player, thereby dampening their effectiveness. You people think we're bad coaches, but (Owner Daniel) Snyder tells us to do this. Jim Zorn is the best coach I've ever been around. He belongs up there with Shula and Walsh, but when he signed his contract, he agreed to intentionally make horrible decisions and design schemes that didn't fit his players whatsoever. That's just Redskins football."
3. Odd-ible - The much ballyhooed conflict over control of the Vikings offense has dominated headlines of late. My sources tell me that the conflict is, for all intents and purposes, over. Apparently, Brett Favre has charmed Brad Childress into giving him autonomous control of the offense. Favre allegedly gave Childress his gee-shucks, down home smile, then proceeded to simultaneously "get all emotional" and humor Childress with his childlike exuberance and youthful hijinks. He then invited Childress to his cabin for some patented Favreburgers and to meet the family. Favre now has total control over the offense, including audibles, which will no longer be a run-heavy West Coast attack, but an entirely pass-based offense, consisting mostly of deep passes to showcase his gunslinging ability.
4. White Men Can't Rebuild - There has been discussion that the Browns' didn't comply with the Rooney Rule when they hired Mike Holmgren. My research, however, shows me different. After hours of research into the Holmgren family tree, I discovered the Browns did, in fact, comply with the Rooney rule because Holmgren is a hexadecaroon. For the lay person, that means he is 1/16th black. No word yet on whether or not Andy Reid is also a hexadecaroon or possibly even an octoroon.
5. New Moon - Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has reportedly said that Seahawks DE Darryl Tapp bit him during a game. This provides new evidence in the long standing debate over whether or not Rodgers is a vampire. Rodgers, of course, often plays and practices during the day, which, according to Blade rules is possible. Rodgers would, however, need to wear Sunglasses. He still may have some form of vampire contacts that allow him to daywalk. But why would Tapp bite Rodgers? To thallucinate using Rodgers' vampire blood, much like True Blood rules? All 79 of my Aaron Rodgers sources were unable to give me any information on the issue. One did say, however, that if we were going by Lost Boys rules, Rodgers could simply fly to the endzone on every play and avoid all of the sacks.
6. The 89th Rule/Regulation - After Steve Smith's postgame interview last Sunday night, NFL Commissioner Roger Gooddell added some rules and regulations to the NFL rulebook. Firstly, to qualify for draft eligibility, a player must "grow up on the B." Players must play to feed their families. Players must also play for keeps. And also "89" is officially a rule and a regulation of NFL football, which must be established every game.
The Amplest Alliterative Assemblage of Afflictions
(aka the Injury Report)
-Jeremy Shockey is inactive today due to soreness caused by his brand new American flag tatoo.
-Devin Hester is questionable for the game against the Vikings with a cerebral strain caused by being listed as a wide receiver against all logic.
-Ed Reed is inactive with an inability to put on his helmet due to an inflammation in his beard.
-Eli Manning is probable after experiencing pain in practice when he discovered that he is quite stoppable.
-Darrius Heyward-Bey is inactive with a case of massive bustisitis.
-Larry Fitzgerald is probable after missing practice for a ritualized killing of an alien species to prove his predator-hood.
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