As diagnosed by Dr. Anthony Masterson it seems that a new disease has struck the nation’s capital. Numerous Redskins players have come down with what is now being recognized as having Redskins Offensive Line (ROL). In extreme cases the symptoms of which could be fatal. It seems so far that players are suffering from only minor cases of ROL leaving them incapacitated for the rest of the 2009-2010 season. However, if remained untreated much more serious cases could arise in the near future. Requested by Redskins owner Dan Snyder, President Obama has asked every scientist in the D.C. metropolitan area to help manage the issue before it gets any worse.
Hundreds of injured D.C. citizen are being refused entry into Georgetown Medical Hospital as all doctors are working around the clock to help confine this possible epidemic. Masses of injured citizens are piling up as they are being told to drive all the way to Virginia to seek medical attention. Most of them are refusing to leave, as they would rather die then even think about driving to Virginia. Our star undercover reporter Dick Johnson was able to get a quick interview, during a smoking break with Dr. Theodore Sullivan. “The rest of the medical staff and myself are working countless hours to help find a cure. We are running blood tests, x-rays, scans in attempts to find the cause of this horrible disease. So far we have made no progress. It seems that the end maybe near.”(We didn’t listen!)
The two biggest cases of ROL found were in both starting running back and backup running back Clinton Portis and Ladell Betts. Due to their severe cases or ROL we were unable to conduct a safe interview with either of them. Third string running back Rock Cartwright had this to say: “Boy am I scared. This is the third pair of draws that I have changed today. I know it is coming for me and there is really not much I can do about it.” We here at POFD would like to take this time to extend our deepest sympathy for Mr. Cartwright and wish him the best of luck in the near future.
Starting quarterback Jason Campbell seems to be the only Redskins player strong enough to fight off this scary disease. When asked how he was able to make it this long without catching ROL he had this to say: “Grape Coolaid and getting rid of the football as quickly as possible”(west coast offense). Doctors have chosen to ignore this possible solution, as they see no scientific evidence to support it, as well as believe that the Redskins can’t win while running a west coast offense.
During these tough times many citizens have resorted to prayer. Out of everyone, Redskins owner Dan Snyder seems to be spending most of his time on his knees just taking the whole thing in. Hope is at a bare minimum here and all we can do is wait for a miracle before next season.
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