That Makes Me a Sad Cutler: Adventures in Majestic Pigskin Fuck-ups

Each Monday, in honor of Jay Cutler, master of the team-crippling interception, Punting on First Down chronicles football players fucking up so badly, that you can blame them single-handedly for their team's loss. Exaggerations and hyperbole abound.

This week, we have a very special (sort of) winner--a non-football winner. The dubious semi-honor goes to something that once again demonstrated the epic fail of Cutler. Comcast once again showed they have little to no regard for their customer's satisfaction.


Now that they more or less have a monopoly, Comcast decided to not give a shit at all about their customers. This was exemplified yesterday when my internet went out for no reason whatsoever. And I couldn't write my precious Sad Cutler column, so dear to me these days. Doesn't seem like much, but it comes in a long line of Comcast being masterful assholes.

One example from about a year ago:
What's that, Mr. Peterson? Your internet is out because our equipment sucks? Well, we'll have someone come out in 3-5 DAYS(!) to fix it. Then we'll fucking charge you 50 god damn bucks to fix OUR faulty equipment, because that's just the kind of people we are.

Another example: So, Mr. Peterson, you'd like to transfer the account to another person because you are moving? That's easy. Just bring the person in and we'll set it up.
/brings person in to set it up
Okay, it's all set up. The next person will be billed instead.
/goes home to find TV and internet don't work
/spends four hours on the phone with Comcast trying to get TV and internet to work, but is unsuccesful
/next day discovers the TV and internet start working for no reason

Someone please bomb Comcast and start a new communications company that doesn't enjoy raping its customers on a daily basis.

As for a real football Sad Cutler, it has to be Jim Caldwell. Not only did he infuriate Colts fans, he made livid Broncos fans (fucking dickhead), Ravens fans, Steelers fans, Texans fans, and millions of fantasy football players. All to make sure Peyton Manning didn't get hurt, which has never fucking happened in his entire NFL career, let alone one measly half. Now, because the Jets are better than the Colts' second string team, they are a likely playoff team. What a travesty.

The Gritty Whelming Neckbeard of the Week

Jay Cutler

What? Yeah I know. 273 yards and 4 TDs against every media member's favorite defense. It's crazy. After constant media scrutiny (even from blogs that nobody reads!) and one of the worst games by any quarterback ever, Cutler forgot all the criticism and gave one of the "best" teams in the NFC the old Joan Collins special. Not bad for His Royal Interceptionness. I can't believe I'm writing this but, get yourself a bottle of Jack Daniels and throw away your razor, Mr. Cutler.

And the nominees are...

The season is starting to wind down (tear) and it's about that time to get ready for the offseason awards. Punting on First Down has its own offseason awards, which shall hereonafter be referred to as the Cutlers (patent pending). Each week in That Makes Me Sad Cutler, we'll reveal a new award and the nominees, as well a summary of their "qualifications," which, as the quotes imply, will be sarcastic. All of these awards are memorials to still-alive people who are dead to the football world.

The Al Davis Memorial Award for Outstanding Ownership and/or Front Office Work

- Al Davis

- Matt Millen

- Dan Snyder

The Steve Spurrier Memorial Award for Outstanding Coaching
- Steve Spagnuolo
- Eric Mangini
- Tom Cable

The Ryan Leaf Memorial Award for Rookie of the Year
- Andre Smith
- Darrius Heyward-Bay

The Brian Russel Memorial Award for Defensive Player of the Year
Nominees:
- Albert Haynesworth - His brilliant performance this year is guaged mostly off his contract. Because he will make roughly 32 million in the first year of the contract, you have to wonder, Was he worth 32 million this season? Of course. He only missed 3 games with injury. Meanwhile, he dominated with 4 sacks! That's almost as many as Parys Haralson, Wallace Gilberry, Cliff Avril, Mike Wright, Tyler Brayton, Cameron Wake, Kroy Bierrman, Jimmy Wilkerson, and Tully Banta-Cain, to name a few. And, on top of that, Haynesworth has only called his defensive coordinator terrible in public on ONE occasion!

- Brian Russel - His intelligent football play has landed him on two whole teams this year, in spite of his lack of physical talent. He played for the Jaguars September 8th to November 21st. Then, after being released, the Texans picked him up from November 25th to December 22nd. That's almost a month! And he was all over the highlight reel:

- The Detroit Lions Defense - This playful bunch leads the league in most points scored against AND is second in most yards against. What else can I say? Former Titans defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz has really turned their defense into a vaunting unit for years to come. Well done.

(There's only one award left, because there's only one game left. Stupid lazy football players. The winners shall be announced two weeks from yesterday, if they aren't already self evident.)

The Semi-Brief, Ill-Advised Rant of the Week in Fifteen Sentences or Less

See Comcast rant above. Though that was probably more than fifteen sentences.

Monday Night Most [Definite] Fucker-Up

Brad Childress

Well, thanks to Comcast, this is belated. It would have been Cutler, but lo and behold, he played well. So, after missing the Monday night game as usual (stupid work/holidays), I can definitely say this was somehow Brad Childress' fault. He probably did some stupid clock management or poorly thought-out challenge decision--techniques he learned from Andy Reid. And he also has created turmoil on his incredibly talented roster. And somehow led his team from dominance to losing to Jay Cutler. That takes talent. Well done, Chilly.