Each Monday, in honor of Jay Cutler, master of the team-crippling interception, Punting on First Down chronicles football players fucking up so badly, that you can blame them single-handedly for their team's loss. Exaggerations and hyperbole abound.
Though Randy Moss clearly deserves this, his team unfortunately won, which is sort of a disqualification. That leaves us with the Steel Curtainous Wall (made from 100% wet tissues)-- the Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line.
And the nominees are...
The season is starting to wind down (tear) and it's about that time to get ready for the offseason awards. Punting on First Down has its own offseason awards, which shall hereonafter be referred to as the Cutlers (patent pending). Each week in That Makes Me Sad Cutler, we'll reveal a new award and the nominees, as well a summary of their "qualifications," which, as the quotes imply, will be sarcastic. All of these awards are memorials to still-alive people who are dead to the football world.
-Al Davis
-Matt Millen
-Dan Snyder
Nominees:
-Steve Spagnuolo - He was hailed as on of the top defensive minds in the game after inheriting one of the best defensive lines in football. He helped the Giants to the Super Bowl and a defensive powerhouse. So the Rams hired him. And it worked out PERFECTLY. They are 27th in the NFL in total defense and 31st in scoring defense. Spagnuolo has truly shown the NFL he is a defensive mastermind.
-Eric Mangini - He turned around the Browns losing culture and showed once again the Belichick coaching tree of standoffish pricks who think they are brilliant is the best coaching tree in the NFL. Teams might as well hire his assistants as head coaches the day after Belichick hires them. Mangini has earned the respect of a difficult locker room and built a powerhouse with his masterful scheming.
-Tom Cable - This has nothing to do with his on-field coaching, but more with his off-field exploits. Rarely does an NFL coach make non-football news. They are pretty boring, let's be honest. Cable, on the other hand, beat the shit out of one of his assistants AND allegedly 3-4 women. Keep in mind that these women were probably beaten on a near daily basis. For these accomplishments alone, Cable earns accolades.
Semi-Brief, Ill-advised Rant of the Week
Why do all NFL analysts keep insisting on driving into the ground this "no defense for the perfect pass" thing? Seriously? Of course there is no defense for the perfect pass. "Philip Rivers threw the ball fifteen yards past Vincent Jackson, it then boomeranged 180 degrees, traveled through Orland Scandrick's legs, bounced off Gerald Sensebaugh's head and landed right in Jackson's arms. Philip Rivers is so accurate, he makes it impossible on defenses. After all, there is no defense for the perfect pass." There is also no defense for the perfect ANY OFFENSIVE PLAY. Or else it wouldn't be perfect. Fuck off, Collinsworth, Hoge, Fouts and the three hundred analysts I've heard say that, but whose names I can't remember.
Monday Night Most Probable Fucker-Up
I'm going the Berman route on this one: "I have absolutely no idea why I think this. It is not based on anything except a random hunch. There is no evidence to support this whatsoever. I'm going with my gut. And ESPN pays my massive gut millions of dollars (same with Applebees)." So I think Michael Crabtree has a bad showing tonight. Dropped passes, poor routes, lazy run-blocking, you name it. Crabtree: 3 catches for 15 yards, 1 fumble, 4 dropped passes, including one dropped pass on a third down which could have led to a game winning touchdown.
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