Every week, our inbox is figuratively and literally flooded (our computers have bad plumbing) with thousands upon thousands of emails from our countless fans. We feel obligated to answer at least 10 lucky fans' (out of thousands, possibly billions, mind you) emails each week. It is our mailbag, of sorts, except nobody has used actual mail since 1997, so we call it our inbox. Unlike, every other mailbag ever, though, it will not be vain and self-serving. So, every Wednesday one of us will sit down with a glass of rye (sweet ass margarita, this fine evening) and show the fans we care by responding with half-assed, wry attempts at humor. Send us your emails and questions at our fancy new email account: puntingonfirstdown@gmail.com. It has sprinkly unicorns giving you hugs and blowjobs if you email us!Email #1
From reader Definitely and Totally NOT Chris Simms:
Hey, guys. Will somebody please guve me a hug? I'm so cold.
From Anthony: "I only hug winners. Harsh? Yes. Factual? Even truth-ier.
Losers give good hugs, though. If only out of Schadenfreude.
Email #2
From reader Visanthe Shiancock:
"What's up, POFD? Long-time reader, first-time writer. I'm a producer of the sexy arts out here in Hollywood, and I just recently saw Vikings TE Visanthe Shiancoe's, ahem, "penile indiscretion" on TV after a game last year. Needless to say, I was impressed (ed. note: pssshhhh... queer). I'm looking for his number to make him an officer for a new blockbuster porn flick, but I'm stuck on finding a name for said movie. Any Suggestions?"
From Anthony: My Choice? Nights in Visanthe. It sounds sexy enough and it gives off that sweet Richard Gere-Diane Lane Vibe.
From Luke: The Blind Side. You have to make sure the climax surprises the girls, though.
I'm with Luke on this one. Surprise is the most important element of surprise. Hey! You're getting triple teamed by 75 Zulu warriors without protection! Good luck, my lady. Also, I saw Nights in Rodanthe once on a plane ride from Europe, never in my life have I ever wanted a plane to crash so bad.
Email #3
From reader RayLewisStabbingVictim69:
Will somebody please call 911? Seriously. It's been almost ten years.
From Anthony: "If I call the police, you'll never learn to fight your own battles. It's time for you to become a man."
From Luke: "It puts the lotion in the basket."
Fool me once... shame on you. Fool me repeatedly until my ears bleed... shame on me.
Email #4
From reader Jesus:
Thanks for posting my story this week. What did you guys think of it?
From Anthony: "Pretentious."
From Luke: "Pretentious."
From yours truly: "Pretentious."
Oh well, keep on rocking in the free world.
Email #5
From reader Matt Schaub:
Have you heard of me?
Not quite yet, but I'm sure you're quite talented.
Email #6
From reader Cuervoisthetits:
You like Margaritas?
Yes. I also like sexual intercourse, video games, and football. Who are you? Of course margaritas are amongst God's greatest gifts to humanity not named Madden ____ (blank being a designated year).
Email #7
From reader Erickc Mainjinny:
Whom would you start, Brady Quinn or Derek Anderson?
Yeah, I'd start Ryan Leaf.
Email #8
From reader What?:
Whom would you rather pick, Drew Brees, Tom Brady or Peyton Manning, if you were starting an NFL franchise?
I really like this Jimmy Clausen guy. He and Brady Quinn are probably the best quarterbacks I've ever seen. But still, Rudy has the best motor. You should probably draft him. Or Tom Zbikowski. He's got that Irish fight in him.
Email #9
From Stevie Spielsbergnuts:
Elvis Jones and the Temple of Dumervil...Legitimate movie idea?
Abs-so-gosh-darn-lutely. Marco Polo hid the last Scarab down deep in the runes of gaelic, with only one man, a man they call Elvis, capable of finding the stone on the face of the deep.
Email #10
From reader Denise Richards:
How do you feel with Casper Van Deim at quarterback?
He makes good fucking reads.
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