Pro Football TalkIt's Tuesday, folks and you know what that means. No, not just Topless Tuesday down at your local Buca di Beppo's, it means you either extended a hefty fantasy winning streak (thank you, Ray Rice) or saw your playoff hopes go up in flames faster than Tiger Woods' image as a media darling.
Never fear, my child. Here is your opportunity to relive the Fantasy Party Man/Douche of the Week right here on POFD. And don't be afraid to leave your own beautiful and/or horrific fantasy stories in the comments. I know our bandwidth has been battle tested with all the views we've gotten on the site, but take a number and your turn will eventually come to be.
Without further ado, here are Week 12's Fantasy Heroes and Cons...
Party Man
Breesus Christ!
Not even his creepy facial birthmark could slow down the one they call Breesus against a stout New England defense on Monday Night Foosball. Racking up the most Fantasy points this week (34) was just the tip of the iceberg for the anti-Titanic Brees whose Saints still stand undefeated at 11-0.
Even after pounding three Side Pockets before the game, Brees still managed to toss five TDs to five different receivers, finishing with 371 yards while his counterpart, Baby Cakes Brady didn't find the end zone once and was caught on the sidelines chugging a Zima.
This is the first time that we're giving out an extra award here for the Fantasy Party Man of the Week because Brees had some definite help on Monday night, so the Fantasy Wingmen of the Week Awards go to Marques Colston (4 rec, 121 yds, TD), Devery Henderson (3 rec, 116 yds, TD), and Robert Meachem (5 rec, 69 yds, TD) who managed to continually swing a number of gorgeous girls Brees' way even though the man kinda looks like a troll.
Brees was so on last night, even President Obama caught a pass from the diminuitive pocket tosser.
So, Drew Brees, we here at POFD clink our Colt 45s in your honor. May your hammer be mighty.
Douche
There are a few candidates this week for the Lendale White Fantasy Douche, and yes, it's no coincidence that both of them come from the Carolina Panthers. Since Jake Delhomme already took home this week's That Makes Me a Sad Cutler honor, we're not going to kick a Cajun boy while he's down......even though he deserves it.
No, no, this week we're going to give the dubious distinction to the man that Mr. Delhomme continually tried to find on Sunday against the Jets, to no avail mind you. This week's Fantasy Douche is......
Steve Smith! (Carolina's Smith, not New York's Smith...Jesus, get more interesting names, fellas)
Taking time out from his busy schedule of punching teammates to play in this week's game against the Jets, Smith managed just one catch for 5 yards on the day, thoroughly ensuring that his team would not only hate him because he's kind of a dick, but because he was wholly unproductive as well.
Now, of course, he did have one of the best cover corners in the game in Darrelle Revis on his ass all the livelong day, so it's understandable that one's production might be down even when Smith is actually having a pretty decent season, fantasy-wise.
But when you're the number one receiver on your team and the cornerback covering you all day has more receptions (2) than yourself (1), it's time to center yourself, forget that day ever happened, and go on back to trying not to get suspended from your team for the second time.
Here's a fun story... On draft day in our league I spent about 45 seconds mulling over whether I should draft Marshawn Lynch or Aaron Rodgers. At the very last second before my time was up, I went with Marshawn Lynch because I was gonna draft Matt Ryan a few rounds later because I was dead sure he was going to become the next Peyton Manning. Good times.
ReplyDeleteThat is a pretty fun story. Here's another awesomely fun story. I was on a bus down to Myrtle Beach, so I had my team autodrafted.
ReplyDelete9 wins and 3 losses later, I'm going to say that the computer is definitely smarter than me.
Also having the number one fucking pick every god damn year is nice. Every week I have to decide whether or not I should take Matt Forte out into the woods and shoot him, but this wouldn't have happened if you didn't exist. Every fucking year I play fantasy with you (gay?), no matter the sport, you always get the number one overall. Fuck Albert Pujols, fuck Adrian Peterson, and fuck you. Guess what! Next year in our baseball league I will pay ESPN not to give you the number one overall. It can be Emilio Estevez for all I care. As long as it isn't you.
ReplyDeleteDon't hate the player, son. Hate the game.....and ESPN.
ReplyDeleteAsk Luke, Badze, Petherfag, Jeff, Alex, anybody with whom we play fantasy. Every sport and everyone will agree you get unfair favoritism from ESPN. Explain yourself!
ReplyDeleteSigh, I didn't want it to have to come out this way (hehe...gross), but guys, I'm actually Chris Berman.
ReplyDeleteI know. I know. It's weird, but, well, have you ever seen that movie 17 Again? I was minding my own business, stuffing Applebee's lotza mozzarella pizza poppers down my pants at lunch when I fell off my chair (WHOOP!) and bashed my head on the table next to me.
When I woke up, I was stuck in the body of this guy with a really low voice out in Colorado.
Everybody deserves a second chance, and I'm just hoping you guys will let me have mine.
But that doesn't goddamn mean I don't deserve Adrian Peterson and Albert Pujols on top of everything.
Night before the draft I toss and turn in bed all excited wondering what magical "random" pick the draft gods will give me this time. Maybe just maybe I will be the chosen One. Then every year one hour before draft I happen to get this same text message from everyone in out league. That douche Tones got the number one overall pick again! I think to myself no possible way. But sure as schnitzel I look at the draft board with your name at the top of the list. So, I can definitely say that you Anthony Masterson do not deserve Adrian Peterson or Albert Pujols or the number one overall pick ever again!!
ReplyDelete