Here we are, folks. The final week of the regular season is upon us, and if you're like me, you're a bit hesitant to let 2009 go.
I mean, sure, the Broncos started out 6-0, and no team that started thusly failed to make the playoffs, but goshdarnit those Mile High moneymakers are giving history a run for their money.
Chris Johnson could rush for 2,000 yards, the Colts are going to lose in the first round again for resting all their starters, and the goddamn Jets are in the driver's seat to make the playoffs.
Seriously, kill me if that happens.
Without further ado, here are your final lead pipe, home-alone, lock-down, guaranteed predictions for the final week of the regular season...
Colts at Bills
Just to be sure that the Colts will once again go through another first-round playoff failure after deciding to rest their starters for the final few games of the season, Coach Jim Caldwell actually takes it one step further by giving Peyton Manning, Dallas Clark, and Reggie Wayne their outright releases before Sunday. Luckily for the Colts, the Bills are bad enough that Curtis Painter can still have his way with them.
Colts 21, Bills 17
Saints at Panthers
With the Saints decision to rest Drew Brees for the Sunday finale, America will finally get the Mark Brunell-Matt Moore gunslinger showdown that they've always wanted.......right?
Panthers 30, Saints 20
Jaguars at Browns
It will be Mike Holmgren Mustache Night in Cleveland where all fans will receive a prickly lip caterpillar along with a bag of pork rinds and a complimentary case of Lipitor.
Jaguars 17, Browns 3
Patriots at Texans
The Patriots, unlike the Colts, generally play all their starters through the regular season, even when they've got a playoff spot locked up. The Patriots have also won 3 Super Bowls this decade and been to another. You would think the Colts would acknowledge that fact and do the same. But no......assholes.
Texans 33, Patriots 30
Giants at Vikings
Speaking of first-round playoff exits, the Vikings are doing their damnedest to squander their dynamite start to 2009. Brett Favre and Brad Childress have been at odds for a few weeks now, and all that emotional steam comes to a head on Sunday when Childress hires Jeff Gilooly to Tonya-Harding the knee of Favre before kickoff. You've never heard a more bone-chilling Southern-fried scream of "whyyyyyyyyy" in all your life.
Vikings 28, Giants 19
49ers at Rams
Ugh. Glad they waited until the final week of the season to knock this shit-burner out.
49ers 8, Rams 3
Falcons at Bucs
As I'm sure all of you know, if the Falcons win this game, they'll have back-to-back winning seasons for the first time in franchise history. Eugene Robinson would be proud...you know, if he wasn't down at the precinct looking to score a hot dimebag.
Falcons 20, Bucs 10
Steelers at Dolphins
The Steelers have lost to the Chiefs, Raiders, and Browns this season. They're also in line to make the playoffs. If this should happen, Roger Goodell should step in to keep Roethlisderr and his band of dyslexic hornblowers home for the postseason.
Dolphins 23, Steelers 14
Bears at Lions
So the Sulk Monster of the Midway finally got his wings against the Vikings last Monday night. Big deal. Even Dashboard Confessional wrote a song for the Spiderman 2 soundtrack.
Bears 30, Lions 28
Eagles at Cowboys
It looks like the Cowboys annual December collapse will have to wait another couple of weeks, at least until Mr. Smiley himself tosses a couple frowney-faced footballs in the Divisional Playoff.
Eagles 35, Cowboys 24
Chiefs at Broncos
Since Josh McDaniels has decided to bench only his best players for their must-win affair with the Chiefs, there is only one logical argument for this decision. Before kickoff, McD sends every player on his 53-man roster home and suits up himself, since he is apparently the only person in the world who can run the Kid's system. Thankfully, the Chiefs are still the Chiefs.
Broncos 20, Chiefs 17
Ravens at Raiders
Stepping onto the field in Oakland, a tear falls from Ray Lewis' eye. "I'm finally home" he says as he stares into the crowd full of convicted felons and kitten-stompers. Not to say that Baltimore is much safer, but it's Xanadu compared to the Coliseum.
Ravens 30, Raiders 16
Titans at Seahawks
This game has no value or meaning whatsoever. Let Chris Johnson get 2,000 yards so we can all go home.
Chris Johnsons 33, Seahawks 10
Redskins at Chargers
I think the Redskins have been playing for draft position since 2002.
Chargers 51, Redskins 17
Packers at Cardinals
Jesus wants Warner and the Cardinals to win this game. The game of football wants the Packers. Who will win? Tune in to find out.
Packers 33, Cardinals 22
Bengals at Jets
The Bengals are just going to lay down for the Jets, and the M-E-T-S Jets, Mets, Jets will make the playoffs thanks to two playoff teams playing their C squads. That means Mark Sanchez and his infinite Poise will have a chance to throw five picks in a playoff game. You can thank Jim Caldwell for that.
Jets 4, Bengals 2
Season Record: 106-70
No comments:
Post a Comment