Cassel the Interceptor and His Pass-Dropping Extraordinares: Episode 1

Episode 1: In Which Our Heroes Witness a Change of Heart

[Establishing Shot]

Deep-voiced Narrator: In a dark murky swamp. the Legion of Insanity congregated to plot their taking over the world.

Bruce Gradkowski: Minions, come hither and gaze into my shiny bald head.
/Minions gaze, instantly hypnotized.
Gradkowski: Minions, the world doesn't respect us. But we deserve respect. We're the Legion of Insanity. We have a longstanding commitment to excellence and drafting punters and kickers in the first round. Emperor Davis summoned me to his secret chambers, deep in the bowels of Mariana's Trench. There, he informed me of a plot for us to take over the world. Firstly, to my daunting 6'1" 220lb frame, we'll attach a shoulder rocket! It will be of Polish craftsmanship, of course. With my Polish shoulder cannon, nobody will be able to stop our awesome power!
/Minions cheer cacophonously.
Gradkowski: Secondly, we'll fuel ourselves on specially concocted Polish Sausage and Goulash, filled with magical radioctive materials that will give us super powers!
/More cheers.
Deep-voiced narrator: Gradkowski wickedly explained the rest of his villainous plot of forbidding doom and other ominous adjectives.

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Chieftains...

Matt Cassel: Hey Friends! That was a terrific game of Scrabble!
Dwayne Bowe: By shucks, Matthew, you are correct!
Cassel: I know! Golly, we should play again.
/The Hall of Chieftains alert sounds.
Cassel: Gosh! It looks like Coach Haley is calling us on video phone! Yippee!

Todd Haley: Hey, faggots, what's up?

Cassell: Well..

(Interrupting) Haley: Shut up. I don't give a fuck, you little fagtard. Me and my buds are cruising on the yacht with some Alize. I ain't got time to listen to you. The reason I'm calling is my bro Chet texted me on the iPhone and told me those queers over at the Legion of Insanity are getting their panties in a knot. Assemble Homo and the Queers, or whatever the fuck you pussies call yourselves, and put those assholes in their place. This is Haley's fucking house. Don't make me get my Calloway 3-wood and beat these little shitheads myself. Oh yeah, B T Dubs, Donut Tits has some kind of explosive football devices for you to use. And tell that asshole to design offensive gameplans for every game next year, or I'll take his Notre Dame checks away and buy myself some new topsiders made from Singaporean kittens. Haley out!

Cassell: You heard coach, guys. Let's go get our explosive footballs from coach Weis and find those icky naysayers, the Legion of Insanity. Those jerks are yucky!

/The Pass-Dropping Extraordinaires all jump up and down and high five each other.

Deep-voiced Narrator: Cassel the Interceptor and His Pass-Dropping Extraordinares gathered the weapons from Charlie Weis and drove their energy-efficient Toyota Prius to the Swamp of Hysteria to destroy the Legion of Insanity.

Cassel: We found you, Legion of Insanity, and we know about your stinky plot to take over the world!
Gradkowski: Cassel the Interceptor? How did you find us?!?!?!?!?!?
Cassel: Teamwork, positive thinking and finding ways to WIN as a team!
Gradkowski: This matters not! You are no match for my Polish Arm Cannon of Death and Evil!
/Gradkowski starts firing missiles. Cassel the Interceptor shows his pocket awareness and sidesteps the missiles. His Pass-Dropping Extraordinares, meanwhile, start running routes to evade the oncoming missiles.
Chris Chambers: You'll never get me on a deep post, you foul-mouthed heathen!
/Seeing an oppurunity Cassel throws one of his football grenades at Chambers, so that Chambers could catch it and place it at the feet of Gradkowski.
Cassel: I've got you now, Gradkowski! Here, Chris, catch!
/Cassel hurls a perfectly spiraled pass at Chambers chest.
Chambers: Oh crap!
/Chambers drops the football grenade which explodes at his feet.
Cassel: No! Not Chris! No matter, I still have Bobby Wade. Here, Bobby, catch!
/Cassel throws another perfect pass only to have Wade drop the ball and kill himself.
Cassel: Shoot, I only have Dwayne Bowe left. I better make a perfect throw.
/Cassel throws a ball way off target and out of nowhere appears a dark minion.

Nnandi Asomugha: Another pick. Man, this shit is easy. Why can't these other minions be as good as me?
Cassel: An intercption! Shucky dang darn!
/Kicks dirt shamefully.
Deep-Voiced Narrator: And then Asomugha looked down at the explosive football in his hands. He looked around at his fellow minions and his shoulder-cannoned leader. Then, like many of the characters in the movie Avatar, Asomugha had an instantaneous and inexplicable change of heart.
Asomugha: Fuck this shit! And fuck Polish sausage and Goulash! I hate sauerkraut and I hate paprika!
Gradkowski: Nnandi, my brother, how can you possibly hate sauerkraut? It's pickled cabbage, for christ's sake!
Asomugha: I hate it! And paprika doesn't taste like anything. Fuck all y'all minions. I'm joining the mincy little queers.
/Asomugha high fives Cassel and throws the football grenade at Gradkowski who explodes. Explodes to death.
Deep-Voiced Narrator: The good guys won again, while the villains perished. Cassel the Interceptor and His Pass-Dropping Extraordinares went home in their Prius and celebrated with many glasses of wine cooler and Smirnoff Ice. Coach Haley bought a new Bentley and took a ride with a bunch of strippers on whom he poured many glasses of champagne. All was right in the world.

The End