New Jersey Football Jets @ Cincinnati Tigers in Ohio
Eric
- The Jets only made the playoffs because of Jim Caldwell. Everybody knows this. Luckily the world will right itself and Mark Sanchez will throw four poised interceptions. And all the greasers with their wifebeaters and gold chains will leave the Jersey shore to hold a candle-lit vigil over Vinny Testeverde's grave. That is, of course, if the Bengals don't play horrible like they did for the last 8 or so games of the season. The Bengals 26th ranked pass offense plus Darrelle Revis does not equal good. It's either a Mark Sanchez meltdown or a Marvin Lewis remembering how awful he is at coaching football meltdown. The recent run of play of the Bengals says it will not be an enjoyable evening for the tiger naturalists who study Bengal tigers in their native home of Ohio.
Winner: New Jersey
Anthony
- Chew on this for a second. The New Jersey Basketball Devil Jets are in the playoffs. Sure, their D was pretty solid this season, arguably one of the best in the league......but that hines-licking playboy Mark Sanchez now has more postseason games on his resume than.....I dunno.....a good quarterback, I guess. Yes, THE poisey Mark Sanchez who tossed 20 picks compared to just 12 touchdowns (Cutler-esque, as it were), and notched an abortion-esque passer rating of 63.0. When Brady Quinn has a better passer rating than you, maybe you should really rethink your career path, Taco.
For the game, I can't see either team winning. Really. I think the game will be 6-6 going into the 18th overtime before Roger Goodell steps in and declares the Bengali Tigers of Northern Kentucky the victors. I weep for whoever is watching this game for anything other than a gambling addiction.
Winner: Cincinn-asty
Luke- DNP-CD
Winner: Redskins
Baltimore Knife-murders @ New England Media Darlings
Eric
- The Knife-murderers crept into the playoffs with a talented but underachieving roster. The Media Darlings, meanwhile, led the AFC in point differential while facing a very tough schedule, and somehow lost their media darling stature. And the goat-cuddler was the best QB in the NFL. Sadly, we'll probably see the Media Darlings in the Super Bowl and God's linebacker will have to spend the offseason, in between stabbings of course, asking God why he lost in the playoffs again. It was because of the purple camo, Ray.
Winner: New England, by a lot
Anthony
- With the loss of one Wes Welkaaaaaaahhhhhhhh (thank you, Bernard Pollard), the Patriots will have a tougher time than normal with the Ravens on this day. Sure, the Ravens kinda suck, but so do the Patriots. Especially if Julian Edelman gets a terrible rash from the barometric pressure being at such a low percentage. If Edelman gets stingy with his receptions, or if he hoards them all from good receivers like Randy Moss, Tom Brady will have a much harder time dodging stabbings from Ray Lewis. That being said, Ray Rice is a dynamo who can take over a ballgame if given the chance, so if the Ravens make Rice their main weapon the whole game, the Baltimorons (see what I did there?) will make it a close contest or even steal a win. Plus, I really don't think I can stomach another postseason of Patriot victories. It pains me physically.
Winner: Ravens (for hopefully)
Luke
- At Nascar event. Go Skins!
Winner: Mike Shanahan
Green Bay Tundra Lardos @ University of Phoenix Online Football Cardinals
Eric
- Yes, the Football Cardinals are back in the playoffs, based mostly on the strength of playing the NFC West for six free wins every year. Maybe the NFL should send them back to the vocational powerhouse division in college football where ITT Tech and Devry Institute of Technology's football teams can actually provide them with some real competition. Having to face a real, NFL-caliber team like the Packers will be a significant challenge. The Packers should win this in a landslide, which unfortunately means Wisconsin will still have a reason to exist, and we won't be able to sanction it off for nuclear testing and prisoners of war. Maybe next year though.
Winner: Green Bay
Anthony
- Dammit, I was going to make like 8 vocational powerhouse jokes before Sir Eric beat me to the punch. No matter, I'm also taking the Packers in this game because, let's be goddamn honest, Aaron Rodgers is fucking good. He'll have his way with the Cardinals D who ranked 23rd in the league against the pass this year, and couldn't pray hard enough for Kurt Warner to tell the good Lord to spare some of their defensive backs. I'm all for Wisconsin being burned off the map like Eric mentioned, but I'd rather it play host to the filming of Red Dawn 2: Electric Boogaloo where Mark Schlereth (seriously) has to defeat a bunch of Chinamen and Russian soldiers from taking all of America's cheese.
Winner: Los Packers de Green Bay
Luke
- At Dan Snyder FanFest '09.
Winner: 'Skins!!!
Philadelphia Soaring Cheesesteaks @ Dallas Team America that Most Americans Hate
Eric
- This one is easy. Like always, Philly will choke in the playoffs. The place holder will get injured, forcing Donovan McNabb to hold kicks. McNabb will inevitably botch the hold on what would be the winning kick, causing everyone to wonder if he should be dating celebrities and going on trips to Cabo before the playoffs. Then the media will question whether Andy Reid is too much of a softy (Huh huh, he's fat. Get it?), who can't motivate his players and is better served as a coordinator than a head coach, even though the Eagles crazy, somewhat senile owner has too much influence on the team for anything Andy Reid does to matter. After the game, DeSean Jackson will hold a tearful press conference proclaiming that McNabb is his quarterback, but will decided to turn on him and bitch about him constantly the following year and then leave for, I don't know, the Bills.
Winner: Philadelphia
Anthony
- This season unfolded like most seasons do in Philadelphia. Andy Reid got fatter as the year went on, Donovan McNabb broke himself for a second but still managed to lead his team to the playoffs, and Brian Westbrook suffered a career-ending hangnail when he tried to open a can of chicken noodle soup. I see this team going to the NFC Championship game and then inevitably losing, just like in 9 of the last 10 years or something stupid like that. If Green Man makes an appearance, I could see the Philadelphio-ans rallying behind their team, but another crushing defeat in a championship game will send the Philadelphs to riot in the streets. Final tally? 28 injured, 6 dead.
Winner: Philadelphi-ites
Luke
- Writing love poem to Doug Williams.
Winner: Joe Gibbs
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