Each Monday, in honor of Jay Cutler, master of the team-crippling interception, Punting on First Down chronicles football players fucking up so badly, that you can blame them single-handedly for their team's loss. Exaggerations and hyperbole abound.Well, I missed the Saturday games because of stupid work, so I can't say for sure if there were many pigskin fuck-ups. The Saints and Colts dominated. End of story. On Sunday, on the other hand, people were fucking up like MTV going to Haitian spring break. Nate Kaeding put on a show like few kickers can. Maybe he will go back to his home planet now. Still, the fuck-ups of the day had to be the Cowboys offensive line. Wade Phillips didn't coach the Cowboys to a loss. Tony Romo didn't collapse like many thought. It was the Cowboys offensive line that did the collapsing.
Jared Allen and the Great Wall of Williams (plus Ray Edwards) made the Cowboys their bitch yesterday. Poor little Tony Romo got the charm wiped clear off his face. Romo, who was second in the league in smiles, went all frowny face while the all-time leader in smiles (seriously, ask Joe Buck), one Brett Favre, charmed the pants off of the football media and then fucked it like it had never been fucked before.
On that note, Joe Buck is co-Sad Cutler with the 'Boys o-line, for one of the worst announcing jobs I have ever heard in my entire life. I can't find exact quotes but he definitely said a play was "so Favre." He also said something along the lines of Brett Favre: 497 touchdown passes, 69,329 passing yards, "and countless smiles." God. Damn. It.
The Gritty Whelming Neckbeard of the Week
Mark Sanchez
I'll admit this is partly because Sanchez is growing a mustache-heavy neckbeard. But he also performed neckbeardedly. 12 of 23 for 100 yards with a TD and an INT is not exactly spectacular. But he won the game, right? And I say this understanding that quarterback wins are somehow even more astoundingly retarded than a pitching win. Pitching wins are at least about 1/5th the pitchers' doing. Quarterback wins are like 1/40th the quarterback or something insane like that (note: this isn't anywhere near real math, just a guess because I'm too lazy to do the research or the math myself). Aww fuck it. Sanchez played like shit. I'm just giving him this award because he shed the Irvine* model-fucking good lucks for a gritty neckbeard. * Irvine is the rich part of the OC, or Orange County, for the lay person. I went to college right near there for a while and ventured into it a few times. It would be one of the lower levels of Dante's Inferno if he wrote it today.
And the nominees are....
- Al Davis
- Matt Millen
- Dan Snyder
- Steve Spagnuolo
- Eric Mangini
- Tom Cable
- Andre Smith
- Darrius Heyward-Bay
- Albert Haynesworth
- Brian Russel
- Detroit Lions Defense
- Jay Cutler
- Roy E. Williams
- Steve Slaton
- Jake Delhomme- Tom Brady
- Carson Palmer
- Pats D
- Packers D
- Andy Reid
(new this week)
-Cowboys O-line
-Joe Flacco
-Any player in the Cowboys secondary that was covering Sidney Rice
-Joseph Addai
Semi-Brief, Ill-Advised Rant of the Week
Anthony is right. The playoffs suck this year. With the exception of the Cardinals-Packers game, after every game (that I've been able to watch) I thought, "Wow, that game was kinda lame." The Jets- Chargers game had potential but I was so bored of penalties and one-yard carries that by the end I didn't give a shit at all about all the drama. The Vikings, Colts and Saints games were all over before they started. The only non-1 or 2 seed in is the Jets, and they only won because of Nate Kaeding. Last year's playoffs were a lot of fun, even though the end result sucked (fucking Steelers). They had spirit. I actually cared enough in most games not to start dicking around on my laptop by the third quarter. And I don't think it's me that's changed. It's the games. I think Anthony can vouch for that. Most of the games this playoffs haven't been in the least bit compelling. Next weekend better get interesting.
Monday Night Most Probable Fucker-Up
I can vouch for that. These playoffs suck worse than Jay Leno. I blame Joe Buck. Even on games where he's not announcing, Joe Buck makes me hate football a little bit more each time I have to listen to his smarmy silver-spooned ass.
ReplyDeleteIf he mentions the phrases "so Favre" or "leading the league in smiles" next week, I don't think a court in the country would find me guilty if he somehow went missing in the third quarter.