Each Monday, in honor of Jay Cutler, master of the team-crippling interception, Punting on First Down chronicles football players fucking up so badly, that you can blame them single-handedly for their team's loss. Exaggerations and hyperbole abound.The first week of the playoffs produced many deserving candidates: the Eagles running game, the Patriots run defense, Carson Palmer, both Tom Brady and Joe Flacco posted Cutler-esque sub-50 passer ratings, the Cardinals and Packers defenses, but I can't help but feel no body and no thing single-handedly decided a game quite like Aaron Rodgers' foot.
Let's be honest, the Packers outplayed the Cardinals. After a shaky start, the Packers came back and completely dominated the Cardinals to take it to overtime. They won the coin toss and even though Rodgers' didn't tell the refs they wanted the ball and they're gonna score, the Packers looked poised to march down the field and win the thing. Then Aaron Rodgers' foot happened. Yes, it was a bad play by the Packers and Rodgers. Yes, it was probably a facemask by Mike Adams (who should probably be released immediately, after accruing probably 90% of the Cardinals penalties by his lonesome). But none of that would have mattered if Aaron Rodgers hadn't inadvertently kicked the ball into Karlos Dansby's hands. It would have dropped to the ground where an offensive lineman could have easily fallen on it and allowed the Packers to continue their drive. His reactionary footkick was the difference between a fumble and a fumble recovery for a touchdown. That kind of bad luck only deserves to happen to Jay Cutler (and maybe Philip Rivers). The Lord once again shone on Kurt Warner, allowing him to crusade to rapturous retirement bliss with his lesbian wife. At least the Cardinals will be stuck with Matt Leinart as their quarterback, which will be AWESOME.
The Gritty Whelming Neckbeard of the Week
Ravens O-Line
This was a tough one. On one level, Kurt Warner deserved it. But his beard would be too Jesus-esque and Jesus, in addition to, his dyke wife probably don't let him drink Jack Daniels. On the other hand, Michael Oher had a frickin movie made about him *. And everybody talked about him and The Blindside every fucking time to Ravens played. So it's hard for the Ravens o-line to be underrated or gritty or etc. But they still made the Patriots defense their bitch. You see, the Patriots defense, much like the movie (500) Days of Summer, is poorly constructed and tries way too hard for its own good. The Ravens offensive line, meanwhile, could dominate the phonebooth in their sleep (that sentence is kind of intriguing outside of the context of football). So Ravens o-line (especially Jared Gaither, Marshall Yanda, and Matt Birk), since nobody really gives a shit about offensive line play except nerds like me, grab a bottle of Jack Daniels and throw away your razor.* - As well as an awesome book about how NFL coaches should exploit market inefficiencies to take advantage of financial inequality. For example, Wes Welker has a really high OBP but a low AVG, whereas Braylon Edwards has shown unsustainably low BABIP compared to high BB/9 and low K/9 rates.
And the nominees are....
- Al Davis
- Matt Millen
- Dan Snyder
- Steve Spagnuolo
- Eric Mangini
- Tom Cable
- Andre Smith
- Darrius Heyward-Bay
- Albert Haynesworth
- Brian Russel
- Detroit Lions Defense
- Jay Cutler
- Roy E. Williams
- Steve Slaton
- Jake DelhommeIn the running so far:
- Tom Brady
- Carson Palmer
- Pats D
- Packers D
- Andy Reid
Semi-Brief, Ill-Advised Rant of the Week
The Cardinals have fans now. That's ludicrous. University of Phoenix Online/Devry Institute of Technology Stadium was a [desert] of red jerseys yesterday. Ever since University of Phoenix used all of its profit from future criminal justice and human services professionals to create a crazy-ass architectural marvel/environment destroyer in which the Cardinals could play "football," people have been buying tickets to watch said Cardinals play "football." From 1993 - 2005, the Cardinals averaged 369, 573 in attendance, or about 63% capacity. Since moving into the Vocational Fortress of Solitude and Nursing/Healthcare, they have been 500,000+ every season. And the Cardinals weren't even mediocre until last year. I know Phoenix/Tempe/Glendale/Scottsdale sucks and there is nothing to do but golf, but is watching the Cardinals barely win games against shitty teams fun? In short, no.
Monday Night Most Probable Fucker-Up
No comments:
Post a Comment