That Makes Me a Sad Cutler: Adventures in Majestic Pigskin Fuck-ups

Each Monday, in honor of Jay Cutler, master of the team-crippling interception, Punting on First Down chronicles football players fucking up so badly, that you can blame them single-handedly for their team's loss. Exaggerations and hyperbole abound.

Let's be honest here. The Vikings outplayed the Saints. They out-passed them, they out-rushed them. They were the better team. And they lost. Why? Brett Favre? Not really. He made one bad play at the end there on a terrible play call by Brad Childress. Can't really blame the son of a [gun]. That mother['s Day celebrating gentleman] had an average game. Though laughing at his [handsome] face is quite entertaining, and we all wish he would [live through] a tractor accident, it's not like he really [lapsed] all by himself. This week's co-Sad Cutlers are Brad Childress (for obvious reasons) and the company that manufactures gloves for the Minnesota Vikings.

SIX FUCKING FUMBLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Those gloves had about as much grip as Braylon Edwards in a K-Y factory. Let's pretend for a minute that we can take away those 6 fumbles (even though they were pretty much the entire game). The Vikings would have won by at least 20. End of story. Fumble gloves, congratulations, you ruined Brett Favre's final year (Thank you, so much! Anytime you want to go out for drinks, Vikings' gloves, they're on me. You can get fucking Patron, for all I care. Thank you!).

The Gritty Whelming Neckbeard of the Week

Garrett Hartley

Yes, the man who stands five feet eight inches high. The man who needs Adderrall to stay awake while driving from Dallas to New Orleans. The man undrafted. The man released by the Denver Broncos. The man who could barely reclaim his job from a 45-year old who had been let go by 9 teams. The man. The myth. The legend. Mr. Garrett Hartley. He even got a Rudy-esque shoulder carry after the game. And he has long hair. This is pretty much a no brainer. Mr. Hartley, grab a bottle of Jack Daniels and throw away your razor.

And the nominees are....

The Al Davis Memorial Award for Outstanding Ownership and/or Front Office Work

- Al Davis

- Matt Millen

- Dan Snyder

The Steve Spurrier Memorial Award for Outstanding Coaching
- Steve Spagnuolo
- Eric Mangini
- Tom Cable

The Ryan Leaf Memorial Award for Rookie of the Year
- Andre Smith
- Darrius Heyward-Bay

The Brian Russel Memorial Award for Defensive Player of the Year

- Albert Haynesworth

- Brian Russel

- Detroit Lions Defense

The Jamal Lewis Memorial Award for Offensive Player of the Year

- Jay Cutler

- Roy E. Williams

- Steve Slaton

- Jake Delhomme

The Jake Delhomme Against the Cardinals in '08 Memorial Award for Playoff Excellence
- Tom Brady
- Carson Palmer
- Pats D
- Packers D
- Andy Reid
-Cowboys O-line
-Joe Flacco
-Any player in the Cowboys secondary that was covering Sidney Rice
-Joseph Addai
-Nate Kaeding
-LaDainian Tomlinson
(new this week)
-Brad Childress
-Jets D
-Brett Favre
-Adrian Peterson

Semi-Brief, Ill-Advised Rant of the Week

I could go on some long rant about how retarded the new schedule for the Pro Bowl is, but it would be self-evident and obvious. So I'll just keep it simple. When players are threatening to boycott an event that honors them for being outstanding at what they do, and they get paid thousands of dollars to go to Miami and just show up to a private celebratory party in their honor, something is very wrong. Also, David Garrard and Vince Young? Are you fucking serious?

Monday Night Most Probable Fucker-Up

No Monday night game, no fucker-up. This section will return next season.