POFD Playoff Derisive Mocking Extravaganza: Divisional Playoffs

Every year, POFD gathers its acclaimed writers to make playoff predictions while mocking those jerkbag playoff teams. Since none of our teams made the playoffs, we feel they deserve as much scorn as we can muster. For each and every game up to and including the Super Bowl, we'll predict a winner of a game, as well as do our best to mock and insult the teams to help assuage our playoffless jealousy. Whoever has the best record of predictions at the end gets a 40 purchased by the other writers and a short space to mock the other writers publicly. Enjoy.

Standings
Eric        1-3

Anthony 1-3

Luke       0-4

Eric and Anthony made no real push for the Golden Forty, leaving an absent Luke still within earshot of winning. This week has four more games for us all to wrongly pick. Who will be the MOST wrong? Find out after the jump...

Baltimore Knife-Murderers @ Indianapolis Quitters

Eric
 - This would be so much more poetic (ed. note: it would NOT be ironic) if the Colts ended up playing the Jets, the team against whom they lay down and quit at the end of the season, completely altering (read: ruining) the AFC playoff picture. But alas, the Laser Rocket-armed Fetus must face Ray Lewis and the stab-centric Ravens defense. This is a rematch of the ill-fated game in which the Ravens couldn't score one touchdown in about 1500 chances within a yard of the endzone and let the Colts beat them 17-15. Not this time. The Colts will lose because they rested their starters, who a are now rusty, a tactic ostensibly intended to improve their chances of winning. This would be an outcome of events that is contrary to what Jim Caldwell expected and intended (ed. note: that IS ironic).

Winner: Baltimore

Anthony
-   Well, twist my nipple hair and call me Sir Albert, if it ain't just the kitten's tits that I have to come on here and defend the Indianapolis Colts.  Hmm, "defend" may not be the right word..."mercilessly mock less than Baltimore" might be a better phrase.  Does anybody remember when the Colts moved under the cover of nightfall to Indianapolis?  Good, me neither.  That's because nobody fucking cares about it anymore.  Do I genuinely think the Colts are going to beat the Ravens this weekend?  Fuck and no.  When the Colts rest their starters down the stretch, they go down in the playoffs faster than a skyscraper in Port-au-Prince (yeah, that's right.  A distasteful natural disaster joke...deal with it.)  But do I want a free 40 and space to mock all those around me?  Fuck yes, I do.  I want my King Cobra on ice.

Winner:  Indianapolisians

Luke
- With now some playoff experience I believe that Joe Flacco can only get better.  He can now calm down, settle in, and really just enjoy the run that his team is on right now.  Indy has made the mistake of having both the bye week and resting their key starters during the regular season finally.  Expect them to be flat footed at least in the first quarter.  If the Ravens defense steps up as usual we should see an Indy team struggling to catch up the the second half.  The Ravens two keys to victory is that they don'tt turn over the ball and that they capitalize early on their red zone drives.

Winner: Baltimore

New Jersey Football Jets @ San Diego Empty Stadiums

Eric

- More than any player in the entire sport of football, including Ray Lewis, Tom Brady, Terrell Owens, etc., I hate Philip Rivers. Such is my unbounded malevalence toward Philip Rivers, that I will happily root for the Jets in this game. And the Jets suck. They have possibly the most annoying fan base in all of the NFL. They're frickin everywhere for some reason. You could go to a sports bar in Juneau, Alaska and somehow there would be five fucking Jets fans. And for some reason all of them start affecting a Long Island and/or New Jersey accent always and ONLY when they talk about the Jets.

Want to know a fun fact about the Chargers? They have been quite competitive ever since Marty Schottenheimer built a terrific team to hand to Norv Turner. They have been one of the best teams in the AFC over the bast five or so years. And yet, they can't even fill their fricking stadium and avoid home blackouts. The Chargers are so boring and lame and uninteresting, they can't pry people away from the beach for one afternoon per week.

Winner: Chargers (lame)

Anthony

- Fucking dammit.  This is what I get for making my picks the day before the games are actually played.  Now I have to come here and defend T-t-t-taco and the Jets, though to be perfectly honest, if Philip Rivers were to be in a car accident where he crashed head on with a hooker driving 95 mph down the wrong side of the highway, only to both be ejected through the windshields of their respective cars, and if somehow both Rivers and the hooker's pants were to slide off during the crash, and if Philip Rivers were to somehow meet his Maker while accidentally inside of said hooker's ladyparts....all's I'm sayin is I'd probably laugh. 

Winner: Jets?

Luke

- While Eric hates Philip Rivers I am really starting to build a hatred for Mark Sanchez.  I hate that USC pretty boy.  I am going with a mascot pick on this one.  A lightning bolt could take down even a jumbo jet any day.  Booyaaaaa!!!

Winner: Chargers (Super lame)

Dallas Team America that Most Americans Hate @ Minnesota Favres

Eric

-Tony Romo hasn't choked yet, oddly enough, but it is WHEN rather than IF he will choke. On the other hand, many think Favre will pull an Elway and win the Super Bowl, then retire gloriously (except that he bailed on his team and fuckcunted about for every offseason over the past five-odd years, annoying the shit out of anyone who thought he was remotely tolerable). So many story lines! Favre and the Cowboys! America!!! Fuck this game. And fuck the media (/realizes he is using a public medium, but doesn't care).

Winner: Dallas (please, God, don't let them win the Super Bowl)

Anthony

- Finally, I can make a pick that's not just the opposite of these other two party men.  I know we don't want to admit it, America, but the Dallas Cowboys are playing like fucking dudes the last five weeks.  And not "FUCKING dudes" but "fucking DUUUUUDES."  They ended the season with back to back shutouts and then had the insatiable opportunity to send Andy Reid back home to his bacon grease and coke-head gunslinging sons.  I don't think I could live in a world where Tony Romo has a Super Bowl ring....or one where Brett Favre has another one.  For a guy who hasn't been to a Super Bowl since 1997, Brett Favre sure gets a lot of people jerkin his gherkin on a continual basis.  The best thing for America in this game would be a Tarvaris Jackson-Jon Kitna matchup after Romo and Favre pull hamstrings giving each other rimjobs before the game. 

P.S.  Did you know Jon Kitna was on the Cowboys?  Huh.

Winner:  Cowboys....I guess

Luke

- I really just can not pick the Dallas Cowboys to win any game.  As a diehard Redskins fan it is just not possible.  Even though I know Farve is older then the cheese in my refrigerator and is not playing in wrangler jeans, I have to go with Minnesota.  Hopefully Peterson will just start screaming Underarmor at the top of his lungs and run all over Dallas's defense.  Also if Tony Romo could fumble one more snap on an extra point that would really make my decade.  I will ask the Saints down below me to bless my wishes as I am sure they would much rather see old man Farve in the next round of the playoffs.

Winner: Minnesota

University of Phoenix Online Football Cardinals @ New Orleans Hurricane Victims

Eric

-The vocational powerhouse known as the Cardinals showed a hefty offense last week against the number two regular-season D. In spite of how great everyone seems to think the "revitalized" Saints defense is, they allowed 357.8 yards per game this season, good for 25th in the league, a mere 4.1 yards fewer than the vaunted Oakland Raiders. They were 21st in scoring D. And, most notably they were 26th in pass defense. The Pious Passer will be lighting up the Superdome with passes to Fitzgerald and company. Drew Brees, meanwhile, will basically have to score on every drive. The Saints averaged 14.6 points per game over the final three. Scary. The Saints are a fun fairy tale and all, but when it comes down to it, they are just a pretty good team who got on an early hot streak. Oh wait, I'm supposed to be mocking these teams. The Cardinals suck and nobody gives a shit about them. The Saints are still winning games to convince George Bush to care about black people and their fans are mostly idiots that like to shoot their own TVs.

Winner: Arizona

Anthony

-  I seriously want this game to end up with a score of 69-68.  America needs this.  Let's do it for Haiti.  Let's do it for Obama.  Let's do it for Conan O'Brien.  I agree with Eric that the Saints D is terrible, but the Cardinals D gave up, what, 39 points last week to Green Bay?  Nearly all in the second half?  It's all going to come down to who gets the ball last.  Probably the best job of anybody in these playoffs is going to be the punters for these respective teams.  Don't be surprised if we see them getting all Kyle Orton on the sidelines during the game.  They'll probably even be hanging out together.  Nobody will know who the fuck they are, and nobody will care.  They're punters. 

As far as the game goes, everybody talks about how much the Saints mean to New Orleans and how THIS YEAR, they're doing it for the city that was devastated FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO.  In other news, the Jets are also winning their game for 9/11, the Cardinals are doing it for that time it got to be 125 degrees in Phoenix, Baltimore is doing it for that snowstorm that dumped a foot and a half of white powder that wasn't cocaine onto their streets last month, and San Diego is winning for that time that Escape from LA was filmed 40 miles from their stadium. 

Winner: Arizona

Luke

- I know what everyone is saying.  The Saints had a hot start and now they are a dying star.  So did the Broncos and look what happened to them (ed. note:  Low blow, my friend, low blow.).  I meannnn oh shit bad example.  Although it has been a tough couple of games I really think this is exactly what the Saints needed.  Playing down in New Orleans will be no easy task for Arizona, as Kurt Warner is already hard of hearing.  If the Saints secondary steps up like most of the season they should be able to cover the tough Cardinals wide receiving core.  Plus in the religious world a Saint always trumps a Cardinal.  Cardinals are like the Popes bitches!

Winner: New Orleans