In a year of many fuck-ups, colossal to mere minutia, few can match the historic collapse of Anthony and my own Denver Broncos. Year in and year out they fail at the end of the season like no other team, no matter who is coaching the team.
I'm not just talking about the game against the Chiefs, which was an utter embarrassment. I'm talking about the third team since the merger to start 6-0 and NOT make the playoffs. Yes, that team that unlike any other in the history of professional football didn't make the playoffs after having a 3.5-game lead. This comes just a year after losing the AFC West with a 3-game lead with only 3 games to play.
At some point, someone needs to tell Denver to play the whole season. Teams do have this thing called film, which they use to breakdown opponents and discover tendencies. If you keep trying to do the same shit all year, teams will figure you out. Everybody figures out the Broncos about half way through the season and the Broncos proceed to change nothing and do nothing new.
The question is, how will they follow this up next year? Start 8-0 and lose the final 8 games? Lose all four games to the Chiefs and Raiders? Go 9-7, with all their wins by at least 20 points and all of their losses by a last second field goal? These are all feasible with the Broncos. Few teams can match them when it comes to breaking its fans' hearts. Being the Lions and playing horribly shitty all the time is one thing. But looking like a lock for the playoffs every year and then defying all odds and not making the playoffs is another thing.
Broncos, I love you and I always will. But you can go fuck yourselves for a while. You're dicks. Quit toying with our emotions so much.
The Gritty Whelming Neckbeard of the Week
Julian Edelman
Maybe his team didn't win, and 10 receptions for 103 yards is by no means epic, but keep in mind that Welker got injured and basically nobody cares because they think Edelman will replace him effectively. Edelman is also a white wide receiver, which is quite neckbearded. Watch as he plays almost as well as Welker would in the playoffs for New England, as they likely go quite deep into the playoffs (they ended with the highest point differential in the AFC, let's not forget). He will then be anointed as a fantastic wide receiver for the following reasons alone: he plays for New England, he was drafted in the 7th round, and, most importantly, he's white and plays wide receiver. Mr. Edelman, grab a bottle of Jack Daniel's (or Manischewitz, if you prefer) and throw away your razor.And the nominees are....
The regular season is over (tears aflowing) and it's about that time to get ready for the offseason awards. Punting on First Down has its own offseason awards, which shall hereonafter be referred to as the Cutlers (patent pending). Each week in That Makes Me Sad Cutler, we'll reveal a new award and the nominees, as well a summary of their "qualifications," which, as the quotes imply, will be sarcastic. All of these awards are memorials to still-alive people who are dead to the football world.
- Al Davis
- Matt Millen
- Dan Snyder
- Steve Spagnuolo
- Eric Mangini
- Tom Cable
- Andre Smith
- Darrius Heyward-Bay
- Albert Haynesworth
- Brian Russel
- Detroit Lions Defense
- Jay Cutler - Not much to say here that hasn't already been said: 26 interceptions for two first round picks, a third round pick and a quarterback who threw for 136 more yards and 14 fewer interceptions. Cutler belongs in a league of his own, and by that I mean a woman's softball league.
- Roy E. Williams - 596 receiving yards and 7 TDs really isn't that bad. It's pretty good, in fact. But with the hype surrounding Williams and the Cowboys, combined with how he was supposed to replace TO, it was a season of disappointment for Williams. And disappointment is the most important qualification for a Cutler. The Cowboys got Williams for a first round pick, a third rounder, and a sixth rounder. Also, he was a smaller part of the Cowboys offense than such luminaries as Miles Austin and Patrick Crayton.
- Steve Slaton - Slaton had a fantastic rookie year for the Texans and it looked like Kubiak had found his patented Shanahan scrub-turned-stud-via-zone-blocking running back. Then injuries, 3.3 yards per carry, and 7 fumbles later, Slaton is back to scrub. He watched his carries go to Ryan Moats (who?), Chris Brown (that guy still plays football?), and Arian Foster (who?), all of whom were more successful than Slaton.
- Jake Delhomme - 59.4 passer rating. That pretty much sums it up. And I believe the Panthers will owe him 8 million next year, which is a bonus.
Honorable Mention: JaMarcus Russel, Clinton Portis, the Rams offense, the Bills no-huddle offense, Marshawn Lynch, the Packers o-line, Plaxico Burress, all Cleveland Browns quarterbacks, Jamal Lewis, Michael Vick, Javon Walker, Jim Caldwell after clinching home-field advantage, and many more.
(We will have one more award, which will be for playoff excellence. So obviously we'll have to wait until the playoffs are over. That means the winners will be announced after the Super Bowl in the final Sad Cutler of the year.)
Semi-Brief, Ill-Advised Rant of the Week in Fifteen Sentences or Less
Okay, so I know the NFL can't really help how it schedules. There is a specific system set in place for fairness and to avoid favoritism. BUT.... seriously, this is horse shit. The first round of the playoffs includes the following games: Jets v. Bengals, Packers v. Cardinals, and Cowboys v. Eagles. The last games these teams played: Bengals v. Jets, Packers v. Cardinals, Cowboys v. Eagles. The only difference is the Jets and Bengals swap stadiums. The Packers, Cardinals, Cowboys and Eagles don't even need to move. They can just extend their hotel reservation and watch more of the same old tape. This is boring and lame and if I were a coach, I would be livid. The NFL should put in a provision to their scheduling team so that teams that just fucking played should not play a week later in the playoffs.
Monday Night Most Probable Fucker-Up
No Monday night game, no fucker-up. This section will return next season.
I just woke up from my self-inflicted haze of Kentucky Jack Bourbon Whiskey and Madden until 4 in the morning. Did the Broncos still lost 44-24 to the Chiefs yesterday?
ReplyDeleteFuck.
And seriously, I didn't know that the dude who knocked Rihanna out played football either. I guess he's a multi-talented domestic abuser.
I would also be psyched if the Broncos would resign Marshall, just to trade him to the Cowboys for the 'Boys' next 3 first-rounders, a pair of third-rounders, and a sixth rounder.
I bet JJ would be dumb enough to do it.