Occasionally, Punting on First Down asks an NFL star to come sit down by the fire, grab a glass of pinot noir, maybe take off some clothes, and GET FUCKING REAL. No PR reps or lawyers allowed.Good evening, friends. This week, we get to know the Steelers' verbose strategist, Mr. Mike Tomlin.
POFD: Mr. Tomlin, we'll start off easy. Who ya got as the winner this Sunday?
Mike Tomlin: That is contingenint on whom is the most prepared and determinated on Sunday. A victory lies within the soul. In short, I think the Saints will victorify the Colts, in a most lugubrious and exigent fashion.
POFD: Interesting. Lugubrious and exigent. Can you elaborate?
Tomlin: It's pecuniary that you ask me that. I mean, just look at the Steelers last year. We were the most trepidacious team in the playoffs. And that is something against which you just cannot defend against. I see a lot of trepidity in the Saints. The Colts may have weller players and execution, but where is the carotid artery?
POFD: Weller players?
Tomlin: Yes, as a writer, you should know this. Well is the proper formal usage, while good is always wrong. For example, "How are you doing?" "I am doing WELL." Or "Is Peyton Manning a good player?" "Actually he is a very WELL player."
POFD: Okay. I want to go back to the part where you mentioned heart as an important part of a team. Why did the Steelers disappoint this year and miss the playoffs? Was heart involved?
Tomlin: Essentialy, yes. Therefore, we didn't give it the effort and aspirin we needed to mullify our opponents' visages.
POFD: How can you as a coach inspire the kind of heart the Steelers need to make the playoffs next year?
Tomlin: I will hairongyoo [ed. note: harangue?] them on the importance of what I like to call the aspiratory system. It's like the respiratory system, but for your aspirationality.
POFD: So are the Steelers problems merely mental, or does the roster need adjustment as well?
Tomlin: Always there is room for improvisation of the roster. Our offensive line is like a delicate Japanese flower. It is soft and virginal. It just needs to grow into a massive wall like the Great Wall of Mongolia.
POFD: I'm not sure you understand your analogy. Can you explain that further?
Tomlin: Okay, in Lebanon's terms, what I'm saying is that our offseason must be a buildings Roman for our offensive line. If you build a fortress, Ben Roethlisberger will come to fruition, like a flower. It takes a village to raise the score.
POFD: Speaking of roster improvement, what are the Steelers going to do about their big name free agents, like Casey Hampton, Ryan Clark, Willie Parker?
Tomlin: However, Casey Hampton is the rudder with which the yacht of the Steelers defense schoons and catamarans. Without him, we are like a delicate Japanese flower. He must be resignated.
POFD: Supposing you can re-sign Hampton and pick up some interesting players in the draft, where do you see the Steelers next year? Back in the playoffs?
Tomlin: Categorizedly, yes. We are a luminescent team, without ambitation. I dare say we whilst win the Super Bowl in the year nigh. You make sure and publish that.
POFD: Okay. There's your headline... "Tomlin: Steelers will win Super Bowl next year." Thank you for the interview.
Tomlin: My pleasinglies.
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