Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 10

Well, we've passed the halfway point here in the 2009 NFL campaign, and you know what that means...

1.  Andy Reid is getting fatter in order to insulate himself for those chilly Philly winters.
2.  The Cowboys will soon be leading the league in frowny-faces rather than smiles.
3.  The Browns and Redskins will be going down to the wire to find who is the most dysfunctional squadron in the league.

With that being said, here are your glass-jaw, locked-down, guaranteed bets for Week 10.


Bears at 49ers

In a low-scoring affair, Jay Cutler will throw four interceptions coming into the final two minutes, but drive his team all the way down the field with a chance to salvage both the game and his team's season.  Rather than be the hero, Cutler tosses another pick in the endzone to seal the deal for the 49ers, and in turn, crushes any playoff hopes the Bears might have had.

49ers 10, Bears 6 (Holy shit!  Was I right or what?  Booyah.)

Falcons at Panthers

With Week 9 Fantasy Douche Matt Ryan struggling (really, dude?  3 goddamn points against the REDSKINS?  You deserve a roundhouse kick to the chest for that pitiful performance.), Michael Turner will be asked to shoulder the load for the Dirty Birds.  Michael Vick was actually seen outside the stadium before this contest, wearing a leather jacket, and holding up a boombox blasting Peter Gabriel in the direction of Falcons owner Arthur Blank's luxury box.  A bemused Blank gives a half-wave to Vick before closing the blinds.  A single tear runs down Vick's cheek.

Falcons 27, Panthers 21

Bucs at Dolphins

After a fine performance in his first career start in which he led a fourth quarter comeback against the Packers, Josh Freeman deflects talk about comparing himself to other quarterbacks in the league.  A humble gesture from a rookie quarterback?  Hardly.  The quarterback most media members assign him to?  Jamarcus Russell.  Freeman, besieged by the comparisons all week, goes out and gives a Russell-esque performance, tossing 4 INTs in the first half.  Somewhere, Al Davis cackles.

Dolphins 18, Bucs 12

Lions at Vikings

In this week's contest, FOX decides to take the Favre Cam to new heights, following Brett from the time he wakes up to the time he takes his morning dump to the time he farts in the car on the way to the stadium.  The Cam is a smashing success, except for that time that Peter King barged his way into the booth and solely focused the camera on Favre's crotch for a good 5 and a half minutes.  That was a little odd.

Vikings 32, Lions 14

Jaguars at Jets

Join the Jaguars and Jets in a joint jaunt in jolly Jersey!  Jon Jovi jams while jovial Japanese jugglers do a jingoistic jig!  No word yet on whether or not Jair Jurrjens will give the ceremonial coin flip before the game.

Jets 19, Jaguars 17

Bengals at Steelers

So I hear Chad Ochocinco (ne Johnson) was fined a cool $20,000 for his $1 "bribe" of the officials in last week's game during a play that was under review...have you seen this?  Have you heard about this?  Yeah, after this incident, Ochocinco is planning on changing his name to "Ohnomocasho."  (insert canned laughter here).  But seriously folks, what is the deal with airline food???

Steelers 24, Bengals 17

Saints at Rams

Man, do I feel sorry for the people of Missouri.  First, you have to watch the Cardinals crumble to the Dodgers in the playoffs, then you have to sit through the seasons of BOTH the Rams and the Chiefs.  I wouldn't wish that upon anybody not named Al Davis or Brett Favre.  This game has all the makings of a Schindler's List sequel. 

Saints 4,000, Rams -2

Bills at Titans

A re-match of the Music City Miracle, the Bills are looking to exact a bit of revenge on the Titans for dashing their playoff hopes, like, 10 years ago or something.  Vince Young appears to be re-engergized since quasi-earning back the starting QB role for Jeff Fisher's ballclub, but Young stumbles out of the gate, literally, tripping over his rhodedendron bush in his front yard on his way to the stadium.  Kerry Collins, still a bit hazy from the numerous Irish Car Bombs the night before, throws three picks on his first three throws.

Bills 9, Titans 6

Broncos at Redskins

Since Captain Neckbeard has finally hit the skids for the first time in a Bronco uniform, the QB decided it was finally time to ditch the facial hair in a superstitious attempt at righting the Broncos' ship.  Fortunately for Orton and the Broncos, Czar Dan Snyder, after putting an end to all negative signage at FedEx Field, digs a moat around the stadium and puts black knights at the other side to keep all negative fans from entering the premises.

Broncos 28, Redskins 13

Chiefs at Raiders

It's Todd "Douche-shitter" Haley vs. Tom "He-Man Woman Hater" Cable in a battle to find out once and for all, who is the shittiest coach in football?  The winner?  Not America.  That's for sure.

Chiefs 7, Raiders 2

Seahawks at Cardinals

The Cardinals seem to be hitting their stride as the season progresses with Kurt Warner Tossing TDs for Jesus and Larry Fitzgerald being, well, Larry Fitzgerald.  But really, any team that can make Jay Cutler get fined $20,000 for yelling AT ED HOCHULI OF ALL PEOPLE is a-ok in my book.

Cardinals 31, Seahawks 20

Cowboys at Packers

What was circled as a pivotal matchup at the beginning of the year has really lost a lot of its luster as the season has unfurled.  The Packers just shit the bed in a last-minute loss to the previously winless Bucs, and the Cowboys, while leading the league in smiles, still have Tony Romo as their quarterback....which makes rooting for them a lot less fun.  At least you know the inevitable collapse is coming.  And you know what the Cowboys will be saying when they find themselves after yet another crushing December defeat?  We didn't listen. 

Cowboys 24, Packers 21

Eagles at Chargers

After last week's Coaching Cavalcade of Whimsy with Andy Reid, the Philly beefcake employs a few more questionable strategies in their clash with the Chargers.  For example:  challenging the coin flip, kicking a field goal on first and goal from the 1 yard line, playing Michael Vick, and taking a page out of this blog's title, punting on first down.  Needless to say, Reid volunteers to be fired at halftime....oh sorry, he volunteered to be fried at halftime.

Chargers 26, Eagles 20

Patriots at Colts

What?  You want a detailed, analytical breakdown of this classic matchup?  You want me to start spouting off stats and give a thorough hypothesis for an eventual winner?  No, no.  I'm not going to do that.  Go read ESPN, or every other fucking news outlet doing that exact same thing.

Colts (a number larger than the Patriots' number), Patriots (a number smaller than the Colts' number)

Ravens at Browns

Ok, who are the ad wizards that came up with this piss-hammer of a game for primetime?  Are you kidding me?  I'd rather watch Eagles vs. Redskins three times while Scott Stapp serenaded me and showed me his stigmata wounds for hours on end.  Go do something with your life instead of watching this drivel.

I'm not going to make a prediction.  You already know the outcome.  Don't ask.

Season Record:  42-23