That Makes Me a Sad Cutler: Adventures in Majestic Pigskin Fuck-ups

Each Monday, in honor of Jay Cutler, master of the team-crippling interception, Punting on First Down chronicles football players fucking up so badly, that you can blame them single-handedly for their team's loss. Exaggerations and hyperbole abound. 

As much as I'd love to give this to Cutler every week, that would probably be boring to everyone except me (and possibly Anthony). So in the interest of diversity, this week I anoint the Baltimore Raven redzone offense as the saddest fuck-ups of week 11.

This playful bunch of hooligans came within scoring distance SEVEN times on Sunday and managed to come away with five field goals, a missed field goal (from 30 yards), an interception, and NO TOUCHDOWNS. If they had managed to get just one TD out of seven, they would have felled the undefeated Colts. And, outside of Indiana, a defeated Colts is much more fun than an undefeated one. Watching Ray Rice and Willis McGahee try and try again from the 2 yard line and FAIL was almost painful. Throw a quick bootleg to your fullback, for fuck's sake. That almost always works after miserable short yardage failure. Run a sneak if you have to. Do anything but run dive after dive while your offensive line gets dominated. The Ravens were a better team on Sunday and they lost because they couldn't score one measly touchdown, something the Browns and Lions did 4 and 5 times, respectively, on Sunday. Wretched, they name is the Ravens.

Monday Night Most-Probable Scott Norwood Fuck Up
We'll conclude each edition of That Makes Me a Sad Cutler with an hypothesis of who will be the most probable fucker of up in the Monday Night game and how they will most likely fuck up.

Steve Slaton

As tempted as I am by the ticking time bomb that is Vince Young, I award this to Steve Slaton. He's back to HB1 after not proving himself at all in his demotion game before the bye. The mere mentioning of his name probably infuriates many fantasy players. Luckily, I only drafted the bastard in one league. The sad thing is, he was so awesome last year. He saved one of my teams from Tom-Brady's-knee-induced shittiness. And then the year that people actually know who he is, and use first or second round pick on him, he spends the entire year fumbling and gaining no yards whatsoever, while Matt Schaub, Owen Daniels (before injury) and Andre Johnson wreak havoc on pass defenses everywhere. Steve Slaton wreaks havoc on those poor lowly blades of grass on which he is constantly dropping the ball. On this fine evening, Slaton will probably fumble the ball on his first carry, much like he did in week 8. And then, to quote Houstonian poet laureate Lil' Flip, "game over." Chris Johnson will put up 8000 yards like he does every week and Slaton might get 20, if he's lucky.