Wry on the Rocks with No Ice: the POFD Inbox

Every week, our inbox is figuratively  and literally flooded (our computers have bad plumbing) with thousands upon thousands of emails from our countless fans, which is odd considering we don't actually have an email account. Nevertheless, we feel obligated to answer at least 10 lucky fans' (out of thousands, possibly billions, mind you) emails each week. It is our mailbag, of sorts, except nobody has used actual mail since 1997, so we call it our inbox. Unlike, every other mailbag ever, though, it will not be vain and self-serving. So, every Wednesday one of us will sit down with a glass of rye (bourbon tonight) and show the fans we care by responding with half-assed, wry attempts at humor. Send us your emails and questions whenever we actually get an email account.

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Email #1
From reader Bill:

My question for you guys is... How did you get to be so awesome and hilarious?

Well, Bill, through years of hard training. Since birth we have been blogging in our pajamas from our Mom's basements, rarely even leaving our screens for a Hot Pocket. Practice makes perfect as the saying goes. Also, we use a shit load of steroids.

Email # 2
From reader pleasurehorse69:

I'm a St. Louis Rams fan. What should I do?

Watch baseball until the team moves to LA. That or committ suicide.

Email #3
From reader Joanne:

I've been reading you guys for 8 years. Hilarious. Anyway, the question is... How many readers do you have at this point?

Last time I checked, we're at 8 billion followers while we average 95 million unique views per day. Strangely, we have a very big following on Saturn's moon Titan. Also mormons like us.

Email #4
From reader Steve:

With whom would you rather have intercourse, my good chaps, Oprah or Hillary Clinton?

Well, I can't speak on behalf of Luke or Anthony, but I'd say Oprah. She has more money and money is the new power. Plus, Hillary Clinton is a c word. Cuckold, to be specific, but the woman kind.

Email #5
From reader Philip Rivers, Bitch:

You motherfuckers tore me to shreds. You said it would be a puff piece and you sullied my transcendant reputation. I will destroy you if it's the last thing I do.

Bring it on, Philip. Bring it on.

Email #6
From reader Jesus:

Can I please please please write for you guys? It'll be totally hilarious. I'll give you eternal life.

We'll think about it. But honestly you need to work on your prose. It's a little year zero. Get with the times. It's about SATIRE and IRONY these days, not puns. Learn to deconstruct a cliche or expose a cultural taboo, then we'll talk.

Email #7
From reader Marshawn Lynch:

BEEEEEEEEEEAST MOOOOOOOOOODE!

We agree.

Email #8
From reader Bill:

The wife says we need to spend more time together. What should I do?

Get a new wife with whom you actually enjoy spending time. Or drunk. Whatever's clever.

Email #9
From reader Rex Ryan:

Can you cry and still be a man?

Absolutely. If a family member or loved one just died. If the Jets lose to the Jaguars and you cry, you are not a man. You are a blubbery little girl. Here's a barbie doll. Cheer up, champ. I' mean, uh, cheer up, mediocre person.

Email # 10
From reader Rolland Emerich:

Did you guys listen?

No. We didn't listen. We would never listen.

Okay. That about does it. See ya'll next week for more wry responses with a glass of rye (or bourbon).