Jesus Talks 1:1

When he's not performing resurrections, magic, turning water into wine at 9th grade parent's basement parties, and moving Ouija planchettes, Punting on First Down asks Mr. Jesus Christ to take time out of his busy schedule to let us all know what he thinks about recent NFL stories. Though we asked for parables and aphorisms, Jesus, powerful as he is, decided rambling diatribes would suffice. Here are his teachings...

Yea, my children. 'Tis a lovely Thanksgiving weekend of games... After a treacherous Thanksgiving day of games. Seriously? The Lions and Raiders? What up wit dat, Goodell? I hung out at Dad's for Thanksgiving. All we wanted to do was get loaded, eat til we were comatose, and watch some entertaining football. As soon as we turned on the TV and saw the Lions, Dad says, "You gotta be shitting me. The Lions?" We couldn't believe it. Every year they have the Lions and Cowboys play on Thanksgiving. It's about time we at least cancelled the Lions' Thanksgiving engagement. Am I right?

Just got Star Trek on blu ray. J.J. Abrams may think he is a member of the "chosen people" and that heaven is on Earth, but he sure can entertain. If he had directed the Packers-Lions game, it might have been a bit compelling.

How about that Peyton Manning? Watched it on Sunday Ticket. I thought the Texans had the Colts, but Peyton said, "Nope, I ain't losing just yet." Unfortunately for Peyton, Dad made him as ugly as he is good. Keep that helmet on, fellah.

I was watching the game at TGI Friday's last week with Allah and he told me Brett Favre should be the MVP. I said, "Ain't no way in hell Favre is the MVP. He may have the most valuable property in Missisipieiei (even I can't remember how to spell it), but he's not even the most valuable player on his team." That Jared Allen is one hell of a player. And he's got a good look too. A man with a beard is a man with purpose. I would know.

Oh and how about those Saints, huh? Just have to change that whole "Who dat?" thing. And the "Who dey?" Bengals thing too. These teams were perpetually awful in recent years and these stupid chants must have been the curse. Bout' time for some new slogans. And why are they called the Saints anyways? I knew the Saints and they were far from intimidating. St. Francis would curl up in the fetal position on the ground if you looked at him angrily. St. Francis of Assisi. More like St. Francis THE SISSY.

Thank you, folks. I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

See you next time, my children.

Amen.