Dick Johnson's Saturday Six: The Least Inventive Scuttlebutt in All of Sports

When Dick Johnson isn't penetrating deeply into the NFL's most taciturn stories, he is working the phone, talking to sources, and uncovering yet-to-be released stories--the stories Adam Schefter has wet dreams about uncovering. We don't even call them rumors, because we know Dick Johnson is that good. If you wanted to hear it first, you've come to the right place.

Saturday Six

1. Denver Broncos head coach Josh "Motherfuckin'" McDaniels has sent me a copy of the press release scheduled tomorrow which is in response to reports that Pittsburgh Steeler Ryan Clark would fight him if given the opportunity. Here is an excerpt:

I fuckin' own that motherfucker! RAAAAARRRRR!!! I will destroy his punk fuckin' ass. I never fuckin' lose. I only fuckin' destroy everything in my path. AHHHHHHH!!! I will kill him! Motherfuckin' fuck!!!

2. There have been "reports" that the Bills have made a weighty offer in discussions with Mike Shanahan. Well, I called Mike Shanahan at his home in Cherry Hills Village in Denver and asked him what he thought of the situation. He told me he wanted at least $20 million per year, player personnel control, a stake in the team (at least fifty percent), naming rights to the stadium (currently named Ralph Wilson Stadium), a house with an indoor golf course, property rights to every Venezuelan oil reserve, 25 Bentleys, and a new iPod.  I also asked Ralph Wilson if this offer was something he could provide. He told me, "We are prepared to hand over Stalin-like control of this team, which it appears is what Shanahan wants. I'm not sure about the iPod, though, those things are darned expensive."

3. Roger Goodell has continued his campaign to WIPE out any behavior deemed inappropriate for NFL players, whom many consider role models. I've received word from league sources that Goodell has fined David Vobora of the St. Louis Rams for reportedly "not wiping after a bowel movement." Goodell sent me a personal email explaining the situation, "I'm trying to clean up the league and really wipe away the image it has for being a league of dirty criminals. Though it may appear minuscule, anal hygiene is an important aspect of maintaining an upstanding image in the public eye."

4. It has already been reported that Dennis Dixon will start in place of an injured Ben Roethlisberger. What these shoddy so-called reporters didn't tell you is that Dixon's role will not be limited to just quarterback. He will bring back memories of past Steeler Kordell Stewart and his nickname "slash." Dixon will play quarterback/receiver/running back/punt returner/is he gay?/singer/songwriter/puzzle piece/face/off/crazy/beautiful.

5. Reporters have questioned Kerry Collins about losing his starting job to Vince Young. He is "reportedly" content as long as the Titans are winning. Suspecting shoddy reporting, I contacted Kerry Collins at his favorite whites-only bar. He said, "This is amazing! I can get drunk whenever I want, utter any racial slur I desire and nobody cares because I'm not starting. Lately, since I haven't had to really practice, I've been working on my country singing career. I mean, I have to do something after my football career. And they usually don't let racists announce games."

6. Inspired by his performance on Entourage, Tom Brady told me he is planning on pursuing an acting career once he retires from football. He said he is "shooting for that Matthew McConaughey demographic." He says he wants movies that don't require a lot a acting or talent and simply exist so he can "take his shirt off at the beach."

The Amplest Alliterative Assemblage of Afflictions (aka the Injury Report)

-Ben Roethlisberger is out with post traumatic-sex crime syndrome.

-Adrian Peterson is questionable after suffering severe scaling of the skin in practice Thursday.

-Cedric Benson is listed as probable though he may miss the game with an important drunken boating/resisting arrest party a mere hours before the game's 1:00 PM EST start time.

-Kurt Warner is questionable after questioning whether or not he should be working on Sunday, rather than praying all day long.

-Troy Polamalu is out with a PCL sprain suffered playing piano to his flowers.

-Matthew Stafford is listed as probable with a heavy case of shoulder interceptionitis, from which he has suffered most of the year.