Dick Johnson's Saturday Six: The Least Inventive Scuttlebutt in All of Sports

When Dick Johnson isn't penetrating deeply into the NFL's most taciturn stories, he is working the phone, talking to sources, and uncovering yet-to-be released stories--the stories Adam Schefter has wet dreams about uncovering. We don't even call them rumors, because we know Dick Johnson is that good. If you wanted to hear it first, you've come to the right place.

Saturday Six
1. The Indianapolis Colts have had extensive internal discussions and have decided to release Peyton Manning. Jim Caldwell wants to make his stamp on the team, as well as rejuvenate the squad that quite easily could have lost to the Patriots. Since the trade deadline has already passed, the Colts see Manning's release as the only viable option. The Colts will install sixth round pick Curtis Painter as the new starting quarterback. Expect the move to occur sometime before Sunday's clash against the Ravens.

2. Randy Lerner has a new target for the Browns' coaching job. Don't be fooled by the Holmgren reports, Lerner has his eye on whom he thinks will be the next head coach in a long line of hall of famers--Steve Spurrier. Though only 12-20 in his NFL career, Lerner believes the North Carolina coach's comedic and fun-loving personality will inject the Browns with energy. No word yet on whether his hiring will occur in-season or after the season has finished.

3. In spite of JaMarcus Russel's recent failure and subsequent benching, Al Davis and the Raider's front office still believe in him. I have confirmation from three contacts in the organization, saying that the Raiders have signed Russel to an extension on top of his six-year $68 mil contract that has him signed through 2012. The contract is somewhere in the area of 50-years $500 million dollars. This will keep Russel in a Raider uniforn well into his seventies.

4. There have been reports that the Bills went "hard" after Jon Gruden, but Gruden spurned them in favor of a lucrative ESPN contract to remain in the Monday Night Football booth. I asked Bills brass what happened in the interview and they told me that Gruden took out a roster list and went through each player and their football merits, concluding there weren't enough "football players" on the roster, also saying he needed a "sheriff" at quarterback and that "this guy Edwards isn't a player, he's not gritty enough, this guy, at playing football like a player."

5. Though it hasn't been announced yet, Chiefs head coach Todd Haley has fined QB Matt Cassel $250,000 for "not being as good as he was last year" and fined another $250,000 for "not being as good as Kurt Warner." This occurred in spite of the fact the Cassel had an offensive line in New England, and Warner had Fitzgerald, Boldin and Breaston as targets in Arizona. On an unrelated note, Todd Haley will be playing Bill Paxton's older brother character in a remake of the hit 1985 film Weird Science.

6. Many were surprised by the Jaguars win over the Jets last weekend, including a tearful Rex Ryan. His opposing coach, however, was far from tearful. According to inside sources, Del Rio brought out the hot pants to inspire his team. A player who wished to remain anonymous said he was "too bewildered and confused to worry about the weight of the game."

The Amplest Alliterative Assemblage of Afflictions (aka the Injury Report)
-Kyle Orton is doubtful Sunday with a Jack Daniels hangover.
-Brian Westbrook is out Sunday with hypochondria.
-Troy Polamalu is out Sunday with a case of life-threatening lice.
-Clinton Portis is out Sunday with a case of having the Redskins offensive line, considered possibly fatal by specialists.
-Reggie Bush is out Sunday with severe depression caused by not playing college football anymore.