Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 9

After a well-deserved bye week from the Straight From the Jacket Predictions (what?  Ok fine.  YOU drive from Boston to Denver in 5 days, while having to stay in Kansas for a night because every Interstate into Colorado was more snowpacked than the road up to the hotel in The Shining.  Yeah, that's what I thought.), we here at POFD are back and ready for some action from the Lord's Sport. 

Hot action.

Sweaty action.

Lofty action.

Here are your 100% lead pipe, lock-down, guaranteed predictions for the NFL's Week 9 slate of games.


Redskins at Falcons

Fuhrer Dan Snyder is super awesome at running a football team.  No, really.  He's so super awesome at running a football team that he's resorted to banning all signage from FedEx UPS Enron (or whatever) Field that could possibly be construed as negative towards the team's final solution......which I can only imagine involves sending all their mercurial players (and "coach" Zorn) to a camp where they can learn to concentrate. 

Falcons 33, Redskins 10

Cardinals at Bears

After doing the Lord's work by throwing five interceptions in his last game, Kurt Warner throws three more picks in the first half against the Bears, leading to his benching in favor of the Godless One-Derr Matt Leinart.  On the sidelines in the second half, Warner can be seen swarmed by locusts and covered in boils. 

Bears 24, Cardinals 20

Texans at Colts

This week's Upset Special comes courtesy of those guys in Texas that no one really cares about, no, not the Spurs, but the team with the most original name in sports.  Losing Owen Daniels will hurt the fetus-faced Matt Schaub, but the Texans employ a new strategy against the Indiana-ans by employing the "500" offense.  Schaub draws an imaginary line of scrimmage before calling out any number between 0 and 500.  Whoever catches enough passes for the points to add up to or over 500 will earn the points for said drive.  Andre Johnson eventually earns the role as "All-Time QB" because he's so goddamn good at that game.

Texans 30, Indiano-ites 29

Ravens at Bengals

A day before their matchup, Ray Lewis berates a group of reporters in the locker room for not respecting the Ravens as a legitimate contender.  The stabbing-enthusiast spontaneously breaks out into an acapella version of Aretha Franklin's "Respect" but mistakenly spells the word R-E-S-T-E-C-P.  When called on his blunder, Lewis maintains that until people start "restecp-ing" the Ravens, he's going on a media embargo. 

Ravens 17, Bengals 13

Chiefs at Jaguars

According to Chiefs coach Todd Haley, "Losers assemble in small groups and complain about the coaches and other players.  Winners assemble as a team and find ways to win."  Man, do you want to tell him?  I really don't.  Ok, fine, pussy....I'll do it.  Coach Haley?  How can I put this delicately?  You're a douche-shitter.  You shit douches.  Like, all the time.  And your team sucks.  The fact that you got a head coaching position because you were the offensive coordinator of a 9-7 team in which every single one of your players said a little prayer every day that you would somehow be stricken with Super Horse AIDS is bad enough.  Don't compound your asshole-ishness with tired motivational tactics.

Jaguars 20, Chiefs -40

Packers at Bucs

After taking his seventh sack in pre-game warmups, Aaron Rodgers storms off the field and into the locker room where he begins popping pain-killers like they were Flintstones gummies.  Like the Green Bay quarterback who preceded him (oh dang, whatsisname?), Rodgers develops an addiction and comes clean to the media after the game.  Finally, Packer fans have another tortured soul to embrace.  Now, if only Rodgers had more Fun playing the game Like a Kid, he'd be set.

Packers 39, Bucs 4

Dolphins at Patriots

Noted trash-talker and current Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter has some choice words for Patriots quarterback Tom Brady before their Sunday matchup:  "Pssh, Tom Brady?  Dude ain't nothin.  He ain't even that attractive.  He's like, the 14th most attractive guy that I've ever laid on top of.  Number 1, you ask?  John Mayer.  My heart still goes aflutter when thnking about THAT magical night."  Unfortunately for Porter and the Dolphins, the team is attacked by a gang of Japanese whalers before the opening kickoff, and are all brutally taken out of commission.

Patriots 30, Dolphins 0

Panthers at Saints

With Jake Delhomme literally the only option at quarterback for the Panthers (unless you, the reader, are thinking about donning some shoulder pads and moving to Charlotte....two things I would NEVER recommend), Carolina is mostly stuck in neutral in 2009.  Brees and the Birthmarks on the other hand, have that glint in their eye of a Team of Destiny, because this year, they're Doing it for New Orleans, unlike in 2005, or 2006, or 2007, or 2008...this year, it's for N'Awlins!

Saints 42, Panthers 24

Lions at Seahawks

Things I want to do more than watch this game: 

1.  Use a rusty SOS pad as lubrication
2.  Listen to Creed's new record for 24 straight hours
3.  Chew glass
4.  run for governor of Alaska
5.  Massage Brett Favre's aching groin

And that's just five.  I could go on.  Leave some more in the comments if you so choose.

Seahawks 8, Lions 5

Titans at 49ers

Vince Young performed admirably in his return to the starting lineup last week in earning the Titans their first win of the '09 campaign.  However, his counterpart in this contest, Alex Smith, knows a thing or two about expectations, nearly living up to them, shitting the bed for an extended period of time, sitting the bench, moping, then having your GM realize they literally have no other options.  VY, however, has the edge in threatening to commit suicide after being booed. 

49ers 18, Titans 13

Chargers at Giants

After Philip Rivers' eye-opening interview with Sir Eric of Peterson here on POFD, Rivers comes under fire by the gay community for referring to both homosexuals and women as "fags."  Asked to clarify his stance on the issue prior to the Chargers' game with the Giants, Rivers comes out guns-a-blazin, using the slur to not only refer to certian types of people, but inanimate objects as well.  He then persuades nearly half of the members of the media to bow down to their Universal Overlord.  Unfortunately, while floating passes to all the female members in the room, Elisha Manning and the Giants are actually ON the field, carving up the Chargers sieve-like defense.

Giants 21, Chargers 7

Cowboys at Eagles

What?  Oh, sorry.  I was just watching a Carrie Underwood video on VH1.  You know why the Cowboys are going to lose this game?  Because Tony Romo dumped this for this.  No contest.

Eagles 15, Cowboys 10

Steelers at Broncos

One of the truly marquee matchups on MNF this season (Eagles vs. Redskins?  Seriously?), this game has all the makings of a classic showdown at Mile High.  It's Ben "No Means What?" Roethlisberger vs. Kyle "I Got Traded for Jay Cutler and All I Got Was This Lousy 6-1 Team" Orton.  The Broncos are looking to forget that debacle with the Ravens last week while the Stillers are trying to remember that they only kind of suck occasionally.  Should be a good battle. 

Broncos 29, Steelers 26

Season Record:  37-15