Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 11

Things are really starting to heat up around the POFD offices.  With Mr. Rudnick coming into the fold, the customary initiation rituals took place (sorry about the male hooker, Luke.  It sounded like a good idea at the time.  Especially when it was Jaws-themed.  Turns out, he didn't mean the hit movie.  Yikes.) 

With that being said, it's best to shift our focus back to football.  We've finally made it through all the bye weeks, so no need to adjust your fantasy lineups accordingly for the rest of the season.  Celebrate, bitches! 

Unfortunately for me, now that every team is primed for a matchup this weekend, it only means more work for yours truly.  I know, I know.  My life is getting pretty Dickensian. 

Now let's get down to brass tacks.  Here are your Straight from the Jacket, lock-down, lead-pipe, guaranteed predictions for Week 11...


Dolphins at Panthers

Even without Sexy Wildcat Ronnie Brown, the Dolphins still have enough firepower (i.e. Ricky Williams....yeah, I know, right?) to take down the Panthers who are probably just one Delhomme interception away from deep-frying that Cajun boy in a secret blend of herbs and spices and serving him to the Charlotte homeless.

Dolphins 24, Panthers 17 (Man, I'm getting good at nailing these Thursday games...)

Colts at Ravens

Without Bill Beeeee-li-chick to bollocks this one up and gift-wrap a victory for the Indianapolis Peytonians, the Ravens will hang with the undefeated Colts for longer than people would expect in this contest.  That is, of course, until Ray Lewis breaks down and blinks for the first time in his career on a 4th and 1 from the Ravens 1-yard line in a tie game in the 4th quarter.  Seriously, watch Ray Lewis sometimes.  The dude never fucking blinks. 

Colts 27, Ravens 24

Redskins at Cowboys

Though Mr. Rudnick will never admit it, the Redskins victory last week was more due to the utter ineptitude of Chris Simms in the second half than a true testament to the testicular fortitude of his preferred squadron.  With a major dose of false hope on the horizon in the nation's capital, the Skins will swagger into Dallas only to be thoroughly shaken after Marion Barber cuts the throat of a live chicken at midfield during pregame warmups.  Tony Romo is still a game-time decision. 

Cowboys 24, Redskins 12

Browns at Lions

Brady Quinn stirs the pot before this "rivalry matchup" with the Lions by totally, like, calling Matthew Stafford a fag and junk, and saying he likes to "slurp john," whatever that means.  Everything was going gangbusters for Quinn until he actually stepped out onto the field and realized he still has no idea how to play football. 

Lions 19, Browns 3

49ers at Packers

It's a classic matchup...Steve Young vs. Brett Favre, Jerry Rice vs. Antonio Freeman, Steve Mariucci vs. Mike Holmgren.......wait, what?  What year is it?  It's not 1999?  And nobody cares about this matchup at all now?  Oh, ok.  Nevermind then. 

Packers 24, 49ers 17

Bills at Jaguars

With the firing of head coach Dick Jauron hanging over the heads of the Bills and their fans, the team comes out with a newfound vigor in a tour de force against Jacksonville that can only be described as "Quaid-esque."  It doesn't surprise the team one bit when they find out the Mr. Jauron had been legally deceased since 1997.

Bills 17, Jaguars 13

Steelers at Chiefs

The Steelers are the only team in the NFL that can make this game even more uninteresting than it appears on paper. 

Steelers 14, Chiefs 7

Seahawks at Vikings

I want to take this time to acknowledge 2009's Who the Hell is That Guy That Just Obliterated My Fantasy Team Award Recipient...this year, the award goes to Sidney Rice of the Minnesota Vikings!  The man has scored double digit points in 5 of 9 weeks this season and completed his piece de resistance last week with his 7 catch, 201-yard performance against Los Leones de Detroit.  I'm guessing 14 catches, 389 yards, 12 touchdowns against the 'Hawks this week.  Best waiver wire pickup of 2009.  Hands down.

Vikings 37, Seahawks 17

Falcons at Giants

How many more times does Eli Manning have to shit his pants before people stop labeling him as one of the elite quarterbacks in this league?  Elisha is probably the seventh best QB in the Manning family, after the family's pet iguana and the pool boy who occasionally stays for Sunday dinner.  In this contest, Matt Ryan, after five straight weeks of boning the balls out of my fantasy team, torches the Giants' now-porous defense for 900+ yards and 400 touchdowns.  Hey, dude's got mega points to make up to get back on my good side.

Falcons 2,400, Giants 27

Saints at Bucs

With how poorly the Saints played last Sunday against that football team that still exists (possibly?) in St. Louis, Saints' QB Drew Brees knows he has to rally the troops this week against another football Kunta Kinte (we'll call them "Toby") in the Tampa Bay Bucs.  Huddling with the team before the game's first play, Brees rips off his helmet and forces his team to stare directly into his facial birthmark, which transforms into a hypnotic portal into a nether world, not unlike Narnia, where the Saints robotically demolish Tampa Bay in crude, 5th Element-like fashion. 

P.S.  Yes, that is none other than Alfonso Ribeiro a.k.a Carlton from Fresh Prince in that picture with Drew.  Good to know he's still alive and kickin'.

Saints 41, Bucs 10

Cardinals at Rams

Now, this is a great matchup of rivals, both with storied histories.  You see, the Cardinals actually played in St. Louis once upon a tim.........fuck, I'm already bored with this.  Onto the next game.

Cardinals 30, Rams 13

Chargers at Broncos

The outcome of this game is simple to predict.  If Kyle Orton starts for the Broncos, the Broncos will more than likely emerge victorious.  If Chris Simms starts for the Broncos, Denver might finish with negative points on the scoreboard.  A Kyle Orton with no arms, no legs, and a pineapple for a head (think Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby after she eats her own tongue....but, you know, with a pineapple for a head) would be more productive than Chris Simms. 

Broncos? 27?  Chargers?  25?

Jets at Patriots

Exhausted from answering endless questions about his decision to go for it on 4th and 2 from his own 28 against the Colts last Sunday, Bill Belichick shoots his punter in the chest with a crossbow before the game, therefore using every fourth down as a means to stick it to every person who has ever questioned his omnipotence on the football field.  Gregg Easterbrook hails this tactic it as "sexier than sex with a sexy hooker" while Dan Shaughnessy still finds some way to trace it back to the Red Sox losing to the Yankees, like, 10 years ago.

Patriots 45, Jets 27

Bengals at Raiders

What do you do if you're Mike Brown, owner of the Cincinnati Bengals?  Your team is 7-2, the biggest surprise in the league, and all this after nearly a decade of embarassing turmoil in which you were not-so-nicely asked to fist yourself on numerous occasions.  What to do, what to do...oh right, sign a disgruntled running back who was let go from his previous team for calling his coach and the media "fags" and saying that his dad could coach better than Todd Haley (that point is, actually, probably legitimate).  Not to mention his numerous spitting on chicks and overall asshole-ishness.  Nice move, Cincinnati, nice move. 

Bengals 16, Raiders 6

Eagles at Bears

Who makes Jay Cutler a Sad Cutler?  That's right, Jay Cutler makes Jay Cutler a Sad Cutler.  That and opposing defenses.  They don't exactly help the Prozac-popping moptop, and four more picks in the first half against the Eagles won't help either.  Brian Westbrook suffers yet another concussion on the way to the stadium after turning on the car radio while Metallica was blasting through "Unforgiven."  It happens.

Eagles 22, Bears 6

Titans at Texans

Chris Johnson = good at football.  Vince Young = bad at football.  Chris Johnson + Vince Young = Competence because Chris Johnson > Vince Young.  It's math, kids.  Stay in school.

Texans 31, Titans 28

Season Record:  51-29