Wry on the Rocks with No Ice: the POFD Inbox

Every week, our inbox is figuratively  and literally flooded (our computers have bad plumbing) with thousands upon thousands of emails from our countless fans, which is odd considering we don't actually have an email account (but we will get one by next week. Nevertheless, we feel obligated to answer at least 10 lucky fans' (out of thousands, possibly billions, mind you) emails each week. It is our mailbag, of sorts, except nobody has used actual mail since 1997, so we call it our inbox. Unlike, every other mailbag ever, though, it will not be vain and self-serving. So, every Wednesday one of us will sit down with a glass of rye (just beer tonight) and show the fans we care by responding with half-assed, wry attempts at humor. Send us your emails and questions whenever we actually get an email account.






Email #1
From reader Jeff Fisher's Mustache:

Has Vince Young finally turned the corner?

Temporarily, yes. So ACTUALLY no. Vince Young is just one game of only 50 yards out of Chris Johnson away from another suicide watch. The moment his running game fails him, he'll be throwing picks, getting booed and talking about killing himself

Prediction from Luke: "Next week Young breaks his leg after being hit by a 300 pound lineman, while trying to run the option in the NFL."

Email #2
From reader God:

Please let Jesus write for you. I'm reading a parenting book that says you should encourage creativity in your children. The wife is telling me I need to be a better dad.

From Luke: "Survival of the fittest buddy.  Created by you, followed by us."

I'm going to be a little less harsh and say he can send me a writing sample an we'll see. We have a very elite collective here.

Email #3
From reader AlDavisForever:

You guys are terrible and not in the least bit funny. I hate you. Please stop writing.

Wow, the first hate mail we've ever received in 7,009,787,345 emails.

Email #4
From reader Brett Favre:

You should let me interview with you guys. I haven't got as much press as I want of late and we don't play the Packers anymore this season. Please give me a little press. I'm so lonely.

From Luke: "Play the next game in a pair of wrangler jeans and we will talk."

Wait, Brett Favre doesn't play in Wranglers? Now I don't know what to do with my life.

Email # 5
From reader andouille-in-my-pants:

How do you feel about Drew Brees becoming the new face of the NFL?

He is extremely likable. And not a gigantic douche (Tom Brady). And he's not supremely annoying (Peyton Manning). But I feel like there is a bit of Obama-syndrome there that could be a problem. He's too busy trying to be likable to everyone that he ends up being a douche. In other words, he probably wears a Livestrong bracelet. And that turns him from likable to suckerpunachable in a matter of seconds.

Email #6
From reader GoSeahawksFuckYeah!:

What is your dream thanksgiving if you could choose any 3 NFL players as guests?

Well, from a homerist standpoint, it would be John Elway, Ed McCaffrey and Shannon Sharpe. But there are problems with that: Elway would probably try and steal my money, Eddie Mac would be better for a BBQ because of all the amazing condiments he could bring, and everyone know Shannon would never shut up for the entire meal. So, from a non-biased perspective, it would have to be Kyle Orton, Marshawn Lynch, and Matt Leinart. Kyle Orton, not because he's a Bronco, but because he would bring TONS of booze and get absolutely PLOWED. Marshawn Lynch because he is an absolutely amazing human being. And Matt Leinart because he would bring babes, which liven up any party, and also I could just make fun of him and how bad he is all night.

Email #7
From reader Devin Hester's ass:

Check me out, girl.

We hate you. Speaking of that... Why are they showing less and less cheerleaders on NFL broadcasts these days? It is bull crap. I don't care that Coors Light is the official beer of whatever. Show us some semi-nudity!

Email #8
From reader escargot:

What is your stance on tektonik dancing?

POFD officially condones the city of Paris, France (it rules), as well as that guy's mullet and fanny pack. But POFD definitely does not condone dickhead French hipsters. Yes, JUSTICE and Daft Punk are awesome now fuck off and leave me alone. I don't care. It would, however, be quite hilarious to see Ray Lewis tektonik in his little pregame hoopla.

Email #9
From reader notJimZorn:

If you were Jim Zorn, what would you do?

Exactly what he's doing right now. He does NOTHING for the Redskins. He stands on the sideline and plays etch-a-sketch or something and collects a gagantic check for doing do. The Redskins are sending his kids, and grand kids and their kids to college just so he'll stand there and do nothing on Sunday. If you ask me, Zorn has it made.

Email #10
From reader zima4ever:

Top 5 flavored malt beverages--go.

Gay. But...
1. Zima
2. Pineapple Zima
3 Tangerine Zima
4. Citrus Zima
5. Mike's Hard Arnie Palmer (have to mix lemonade and iced tea).

Hey look at that. Finished with just nine minutes before deadline. Alrighty. See ya next week, millions and millions of fans.