With Turkey Day just a thing of the past, and the Denver Broncos finally regaining their foothold on a playoff spot, we here at POFD (minus Luke and his Redskins of course) couldn't be more content coming into Week 12 of the Lord's Sport.
Some of you might have noticed that I missed a few games in these predictions this week. Well, as Josh McDaniels might tell you: @$%#@^#@#%%&%$&@$%^#^#ing $^&$#@#^*#^&%milky $#^&#*^@$&^@^%^*#@^%$silly putty!
He's a salty one, that Coach McD.
Now as we jam our faces full of leftover pies and turkey breasts (hehe, breasts), here are your knock-out, back-draft, 100% guaranteed predictions for Week 12...
If any of you are wondering, I picked Green Bay, Dallas, and Denver to win on Thanksgiving, so.........3-0 baby!
Bucs at Falcons
If you've seen any of those Gillette razor commercials lately, you'll know that Matt Ryan plays hard in the elements every Sunday. But what you didn't know is that his face takes most of the beating. That's why he uses Gillette Fusion razors. Surprised he could grow facial hair? Me too. Fortunately for Ryan, Sunday's game will take place indoors, so his darling facial skin can take a week off from playing every week in the freezing sleet of New England, apparently.
Falcons 27, Bucs 10
Dolphins at Bills
After firing head coach Dick Jauron and replacing him with coordinator Perry Fewell, only to experience similar results in last week's heartbreaking loss to the Jaguars, the Bills contact every head coach on the planet to try and save their flailing franchise. Mike Shanahan gets a ring, as does Mike Holmgren. After Dennis Green tells the Bills he has to wash his hair for the fourth consecutive night, the team takes drastic measures by exhuming the corpse of Vince Lombardi and placing him on the sidelines. Surprisingly, the team comes out with a zest for life and takes down the Dolphins.
Bills 17, Dolphins 14
Redskins at Eagles
Oooh, finally! A rematch of their epic battle on Monday Night Football a few weeks back! Would anybody else this side of Sir Lucas of Rudnick rather contract a venereal disease than watch this game? That's what I thought. I'll meet everyone behind the Sizzler in 20 minutes.
Eagles 24, Redskins 7
Seahawks at Rams
Scratch that last remark. I'd rather watch Eagles vs. Redskins on repeat than sit down for three hours with this shit-stammer of a football game. If this is the Lord's Sport, then this game has to be one of the plagues.
Seahawks 10, Rams 6
Panthers at Jets
In games like these, where nothing of importance will happen, with two teams that aren't very interesting at all, I have to ask myself, who would win in a fight between their mascots? Looking at it initially, you would think the Jet would have the Panther beat, right? Hold your horses, buckeroo. Think if a Panther were able to sneak into the Jets cargo hold and maneuver his way up into the cabin and possibly the cockpit. You think that plane wouldn't take two and a half seconds to crash into the Atlantic? Please.
By the way, "cockpit" is one of the funniest words in the English language.
Panthers 24, Jets 20
Browns at Bengals
Both teams are coming off difficult defeats last week, where the Browns lost to the Lions by a single point on the game's final play while the Bengals allowed, like, 40 points to the Raiders of all teams in the last 10 seconds or something stupid like that. Looking to regain some of their old spark, Cincinatti hires 80s pop superstars, the Bangles, to perform before the opening kickoff. As the final chords to "Eternal Flame" ring through Paul Brown Stadium, Chad Ochocinco wipes away tears and returns the opening kickoff for a touchdown, setting the rout in motion.
Bengals 31, Browns 13
Colts at Texans
Every prognosticator is calling this the Upset Special this week, but you know what? Fuck those guys. The Texans lost to the Titans last week after missing a field goal at the last second that would have tied the game. Hmmm, that sounds familiar. Where have I heard the Texans doing that before? Oh yeah, the last goddamn time they played the Colts. The Colts are going to win this game. Not a doubt in my mind.
Colts 27, Texans 24
Chiefs at Chargers
After beating the Steelers last week, Chiefs coach Todd Haley took some personal time to fully wrap his mind around what had just happened. After watching Predator for the eightieth time, Haley brings a burlap sack full of Cialis (official sponsor of the NFL and flacid dongs across the country) and an AK-47 to Chiefs practice on Friday afternoon, looking to turn his team into "sexual Tyrannosaurs." Unfortunately, when his players resist, he calls them a bunch of "slackjawed faggots" and smears mud on himself, thus masking his body heat from the Predator's infrared technology.
Chargers 33, Chiefs 17
Jaguars at 49ers
Just checking the standings across the league, as I am wont to do on occasion...
/sees the Jaguars are 6-4
//thinks he picked a bad week to stop sniffing glue
///realizes that he has to start rooting against the Jaguars for the rest of the season
////is totally ok with that
49ers 18, Jaguars 14
Bears at Vikings
This game on paper does not bode well for Chicago's Sulk Monster of the Midway, and it gets worse for our Emo Avenger when he drives his team into the Vikings' Red Zone on the Bears' first possession, only to start to shake uncontrollably when he receives the first and goal snap. So worried about throwing a drive-killing interception, he holds onto the ball for far too long, allowing Jared Allen to beat him like a red-headed stepchild and possibly make him squeal like a piggy.
Vikings 26, Bears 11
Cardinals at Titans
The Titans are now everybody's sexy pick to come back and steal a playoff spot in the AFC thanks to Chris Johnson's ungodly ability to be the best player on the football field and Vince Young's uncanny ability to hand the ball off to said Chris Johnson. Look for more of that strategy on Sunday when Johnson gets 40 carries and 20 receptions.
Titans 37, Cardinals 33
Steelers at Ravens
With Big Ben's health in question for something other than motorcycle accidents or accusations of rape, the Steelers have begun to interview such incandescent quarterbacks such as Patrick Ramsey and Todd Bouman. In my opinion, they should just reach into the annals of their history and pluck out a little man named Kordell Stewart. I'm sure he could still ball if called upon. Oh, and the gay stuff? Water under the bridge.
Steelers 16, Ravens 12
Patriots at Saints
Finally, a real matchup on Monday Night Football. No more of these Eagles vs. Redkins or Ravens at Browns debacles. Just our luck, both Brees and Brady get hurt in the game's first 10 minutes and we're forced to sit through another 10-6 Monday night game. Gruden will have plenty of time to appoint nicknames to people and tell the viewing public how much THIS GUY enjoys playing the GAME OF FOOTBALL.
Saints 37, Patriots 35
Season Record: 61-35
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