These days NFL teams are becoming more and more secretive. Players respond in cliches and neutralities. Coaches provide disingenuous injury reports. Members of the media are stonewalled from locker rooms. Peter King doesn't get responses to his text messages. At these times, when even the most in-depth reporting can't uncover the story, Punting on First Down turns to the hardest-hitting, most deeply penetrative investigative journalist in the business. His journalism is so hard-hitting and penetrative, we have to maintain his anonymity for legal reasons. You can call him Dick Johnson. This week, our helmet-wearing reporter takes a deep look inside the disorderly Cleveland Browns.Sickness. The Latins had a word for it. Morbus. It means sickness or illness. Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner recently said that he was 'sick' about the state of the Cleveland Browns. Shortly thereafter, the Browns' now-erstwhile GM George Kokinis was "reportedly" "escorted" out of the building. Of course, none of this was reported by yours truly, Dick Johnson, so the veracity of these so-called "reports," if they can so be called, is suspect. Needless to say, I SUSPECTED something else was going on. So I drove my high tech, batmobile-esque, super car of mysterious secrecy to the scene - Cleveland Municipal Stadium. Here's what I uncovered.
In journalism, a subject of which I am master, we often use the inverted pyramid when EXPOSING a story. So I decided to use it in my INVESTIGATION. I started at the top with Randy Lerner and worked my way down.
After breaking in to Browns facilities with my high tech gadgetry, provided by my black friend who looks not unlike Morgan Freeman, I found my way to Randy Lerner's office, where I could get the real SCOOP. Sometimes when investigating stories, you have to use the element of surprise to throw your interviewee off guard. I pre-emptively apologize for the profanity.
/Kicks down the door to Randy Lerner's office.
Dick Johnson: Randy! What the FUCK is going on with the Browns?
Randy Lerner: What the? Who the hell are you and why on earth did you just kick down my door?
DJ: I'm Dick Johnson and it's my job to break down barriers and see what's going on behind the scenes.Now tell me the truth so I can report it to the fans.
RL: If you wanted an interview, all you had to do was request one from the PR staff.
DJ: That's not Dick Johnson's style. Mr. Lerner, there have been "reports" that you felt sick about the state of the Browns. True or un-Dick-Johnson-like reporting, i.e. false?
RL: That's true. I did and do feel sick. Have you watched one of our games? They are truly nauseating.
DJ: Interesting. There have been other reports, from so-called sources, that you have contacted Mike Holmgren about the head-coaching job? Is this true?
RL: Well, yes. Why wouldn't we contact Holmgren? Did you see what he did in Seattle? He took some prematurely bald guy with a wife who should be unnaturally selected to die for the betterment of the human race, and turned them into a perennial playoff contender.
DJ: But isn't ANY team in the NFC West always a playoff contender no matter how bad they are?
RL: Yes, but compared to the Browns, they're all-pros.
Mr. lerner explained that despite how bad NFC West is, in comparison to the Browns, each team consists of all-pros, the best players at each position in the NFL, if you will.
DJ: True. On an unrelated tangent... Mike Holmgren... Andy Reid... Identical twins?
RL: Now that, I'm not allowed to discuss. Please get out of my office now or I will call security.
Dick Johnson runs from no man, but when it comes to legal matters, Dick Johnson likes to avoid them. Especially with the fourth little Dick Johnson on the way, since Mrs. Johnson forgot to take the pill AGAIN. Anyways, I digress. Having talked to Mr. Lerner, I thought I should ask head coach Eric Mangini what was really going on with the Browns. I found him in his underground lair, beneath the stadium.
/Blows up the door to Mangini's office with C4
Eric Mangini: Jesus fucking Christ! What the hell?
DJ: Hey Mr. Mangini. Dick Johnson here. I've come to tell Browns fans what is really going on inside the organization.
EM: Did you have to blow up half of my office to do so?
DJ: Of course.
EM: You've got to be kidding me.
DJ: So... members of the front office have contacted Mike Holmgren about possibly taking over the head coaching job. How do you feel about that?
EM: I'm not concerned with that. All I care about is taking this team back to glory with my three-step plan. The rest will fall into place.
DJ: Three-step plan? Can you elaborate?
EM: Yes, if you promise to get the fuck out of my office afterward.
DJ: Agreed.
EM: Okay. The first step is to win the players over by charging them rampant team violation fees for minutia, such as accidentally not paying for a bottle of water from a hotel room. The second step is to waffle over deciding whom to start at the quarterback position, switching back and forth throughout the season, so as to establish offensive consistency.
Mr. Mangini then proceeded to tell... or say... the third step.
EM: Then the third step, soon to be completed, is to fire my offensive and defensive coordinators, as well as my special teams coach, and call all of the plays and coach all of the players by myself. I think that those three steps will take a our team to a championship this year or, if not, next year. Then, they won't be able to fire me. Now that I have explained this, make like an intern and GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY OFFICE.
In journalism, it is always said that you should have at least three sources for a story. So I sought it my third source in the person of starting quarterback du jour Brady Quinn.
/Runs into locker room screaming to find Quinn watching gay porn on his laptop.
Brady Quinn (closing laptop): Whoa! What the fuck, brah? This is private. What did you see?
DJ: You watching gay porn.
BQ: No no no no. You got the wrong idea, brah. I was just doing like research and stuff. For when I go clubbing.
DJ: Then why are you naked?
BQ: Brah, you don't understand. I gotta find material on these fags and junk.
DJ: Okay. I'm just going to move on and try and forget that this ever happened. How do you feel about the QB controversy here in Cleveland?
Through and series of hand gestures and words, Quinn explained that he thought he deserved to be the starting quarterback.
BQ: See, it's all like these guys have to quit being fags and shit and just let me play quarterback, brah. I'm way better than that queen Derek Anderson. Way better, brah. If these fags would just let me play QB, I'd take us to the championship every year, just like I did with Notre Dame.
DJ: But you didn't take Notre Dame to the championship every year...
BQ: I did. Ask Lou Holtz. He'll tell you.
With that, I left Browns facilities to the quiet of the night, undetected, my true identity still shrouded in mystery. The STORIES, however, that I encounter will never be a mystery. I will uncover the truth with anything I investigate. Until another story arises that needs truly penetrative reporting, this Dick Johnson reporting for POFD.
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