Wry on the Rocks with No Ice: the POFD Inbox

Every week, our inbox is figuratively  and literally flooded (our computers have bad plumbing) with thousands upon thousands of emails from our countless fans, which is odd considering we don't actually have an email account. Nevertheless, we feel obligated to answer at least 10 lucky fans' (out of thousands, possibly billions, mind you) emails each week. It is our mailbag, of sorts, except nobody has used actual mail since 1997, so we call it our inbox. Unlike, every other mailbag ever, though, it will not be vain and self-serving. So, every Wednesday one of us will sit down with a glass of rye (bourbon tonight) and show the fans we care by responding with half-assed, wry attempts at humor. Send us your emails and questions whenever we actually get an email account.

Elizabeth Lambert Suspected to be the First Woman to Play in The NFL

University of New Mexico soccer player Elizabeth Lambert released a statement today with a formal apology for her actions taken during the BYU game played on November 5th.  Shortly after she made this apology she surprisingly announced that she would not be finishing her scholastic career at NMU and has instead decided to place herself into the 2010 NFL draft.

Programming Notes

So, we have a few logistical things to discuss. First of all, we got ourselves a new writer in Mr. Lucas Rudnick. And he is, in fact, not a Broncos fan. He's a Redskins fan. Yes, they still exist. Crazy, right? So that should provide a little variation. Also, we have a new weekly schedule that, for the time being, will look like this:

Sunday: First Church of Football
Monday: That Makes Me A Sad Cutler
Tuesday: Lendale White Fantasy Party Man/Douche of the Week
Wednesday: Wry on the Rocks with No Ice (a POFD mailbag that should debut later today)
Thursday: Who's the Wider Receiver? (tune in to find out)
Friday: Straight from the Jacket Predictions
Saturday: Staturday: Obscure and Striking Football Statistics (Jake Delhomme leads the league in grit, but there are many more out there.)

Now we'll have a post every day. In addition, you'll know to avoid me ranting about how much I hate Cutler on Mondays and can come back later when Anthony or Luke has written something. This doesn't mean we won't be doing other posts. You'll still get your Dick Johnson reports, your Fireside Chats, your Journalism Verisimilitude, as well as some whatever the hell we feel like posts. There will even be some new features debuting soon including our very own music channel (Jeremy Shockey has already sent us a song) and some history lessons about the olden days of football from POFD's resident senior citizen. On top of that, as requested, we'll be adding more sidebar items such as: a player's poll, a breaking news feed, a football haiku (sounds lame. won't be), and even a tiny bit of women's perspective for the defensive modern man. Yes, we know. The POFD staff is taking on a lot. But that's how we party. Enjoy.

The Inaugural Lendale White Fantasy Party Man/Douche of the Week Award

Pro Football Talk

Howdy folks, this will be a new weekly column here on POFD where we identify the Fantasy Party Man/Douche of the Week. These are the guys whose garbage time first-down run on 3rd and 5 in a 41-14 game gave you bragging rights for the next seven days, or the guys who managed to drop that touchdown pass when all you needed was another two points to live to see another Sunday. 

Those guys, man, those guys deserve to be one of the many morons who didn't listen in a Roland Emmerich movie.

This column's namesake had to be none other than Titans "running back" Lendale White who, in 2008, nearly single-handedly won myriad fantasy leagues with his weekly 12 carry, 30 yard, 2 touchdown performances.  In 2009, however, with teammate Chris Johnson the best goddamn football player this side of Purple Jesus, White has taken a giant step back for fantasy-kind, notching only a single touchdown in his team's nine games.

Ladies, Gentlemen, Amish, I present to you....the Fantasy Party Man/Douche of the Week...

Hunter Smith vs. Jason Campbell

First, I would like to thank the committee for selecting me to be a part of this brilliant piece of literary genius known as Punting on First Down.  The heads of the committee have given me the amazing opportunity to speak my mind with the one golden rule,  "The only condition is you aren't allowed to write just about the Redskins" (EP via text message).  

With that said, lets talk about the tears seen this weekend in Bronco country.  The stage is set, 4th and 20 on the Denver 35 yard line.  Redskins punter Hunter Smith seems to be dropping back into shotgun formation?  Hmm... interesting... Eight seconds later Mike Sellers comes down with a 35 yard TD pass.  Wait I think I blacked out for a moment.  What the hell just happened?  I look to my right and see tears rolling down the face of a man wearing a John Elway jersey.  Then it all clicks.... "Now starting at quarterback for the Washington Redskins Hunttteeeerrrr Smithhhh!"  This must be Jim Zorn's secret weapon.  Finally Redskins fans have been waiting for this moment.  Knowing Dan Snyder's extremely high level of intelligence, last night he probably already drew up the contracts to sign Mr. Smith to a 6 year 100 million dollar deal.  

After a slow start at 3-6, Redskins Nation was logging onto ESPN checking the standings and remaining schedule thinking, "playoffs?"  Lets face it folks, it was a lucky win in which the Redskins beat a backup quarterback who has not been taking the reps in practice.  Not going to say I did not enjoy it, but lets keep ourselves holstered.  Jim Zorn and Dan Snyder must remain in the dog house.  Remember the amount of harassment Skins fans took after losing to The Lions and The Chiefs?  Yeah, that was this season.  Let's see them beat the Cowboys and then we can start dreaming.

That Makes Me a Sad Cutler: Adventures in Majestic Pigskin Fuck-ups

Each Monday, in honor of Jay Cutler, master of the team-crippling interception, Punting on First Down chronicles football players fucking up so badly, that you can blame them single-handedly for their team's loss. Exaggerations and hyperbole abound. 

It's fucking CUTLER!!!!!!! Yeeee hawww! This column finally lives up to it's namesake. 5 god danged picks? Are you kidding me? That's unprecedented even with his interceptitude.

First Church of Football: A Semi-Live Webbed Logging of the Lord's Sport

Punting on First Down presents a sort of live web log of the NFL action on most Sundays. At least the ones on which I have internet access and I don't have to work. So probably not every week but from time to time. 

 Well, we missed some of the game (one quarter to be specific) but we're back for the media Brady-Manning masturbatory salute starring Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth.

Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 10

Well, we've passed the halfway point here in the 2009 NFL campaign, and you know what that means...

1.  Andy Reid is getting fatter in order to insulate himself for those chilly Philly winters.
2.  The Cowboys will soon be leading the league in frowny-faces rather than smiles.
3.  The Browns and Redskins will be going down to the wire to find who is the most dysfunctional squadron in the league.

With that being said, here are your glass-jaw, locked-down, guaranteed bets for Week 10.

Dick Johnson's Deeply Penetrative Reports: Unrest Inside the Browns' Organization

These days NFL teams are becoming more and more secretive. Players respond in cliches and neutralities.  Coaches provide disingenuous injury reports. Members of the media are stonewalled from locker rooms. Peter King doesn't get responses to his text messages. At these times, when even the most in-depth reporting can't uncover the story, Punting on First Down turns to the hardest-hitting, most deeply penetrative investigative journalist in the business. His journalism is so hard-hitting and penetrative, we have to maintain his anonymity for legal reasons. You can call him Dick Johnson. This week, our helmet-wearing reporter takes a deep look inside the disorderly Cleveland Browns.

Sickness. The Latins had a word for it. Morbus. It means sickness or illness. Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner recently said that he was 'sick' about the state of the Cleveland Browns. Shortly thereafter, the Browns' now-erstwhile GM George Kokinis was "reportedly" "escorted" out of the building. Of course, none of this was reported by yours truly, Dick Johnson, so the veracity of these so-called "reports," if they can so be called, is suspect. Needless to say, I SUSPECTED something else was going on. So I drove my high tech, batmobile-esque, super car of mysterious secrecy to the scene - Cleveland Municipal Stadium. Here's what I uncovered.

That Makes Me a Sad Cutler: Adventures in Majestic Pigskin Fuck-ups

Each Monday, in honor of Jay Cutler, master of the team-crippling interception, Punting on First Down chronicles football players fucking up so badly, that you can blame them single-handedly for their team's loss. Exaggerations and hyperbole abound. 

This week, the ignominious award goes a to a group of self-defeating fuck ups. No, not the Lions, Redskins or Chiefs, but the offensive combo of Matt Schaub, Gary Kubiak and Kyle Shanahan.