Wry on the Rocks with No Ice: the POFD Inbox

Every week, our inbox is figuratively  and literally flooded (our computers have bad plumbing) with thousands upon thousands of emails from our countless fans. We feel obligated to answer at least 10 lucky fans' (out of thousands, possibly billions, mind you) emails each week. It is our mailbag, of sorts, except nobody has used actual mail since 1997, so we call it our inbox. Unlike every other mailbag ever, though, it will not be vain and self-serving. So, every Wednesday one of us will sit down with a glass of rye (another margarita party) and show the fans we care by responding with half-assed, wry attempts at humor. Send us your emails and questions at our fancy new email account: puntingonfirstdown@gmail.com.

The Lendale White Fantasy Party Man/Douche of the Week Award: Week 13

Hello, there. It's Anthony with your fantasy awards. Will Smith! Ravioli rocks! Go Azzurri! Ohio State rules when they aren't losing to shitty unranked teams! Just kidding. It's Eric. Pretty good impression though, huh? Well, Antonio Sabato Masterson Jr. informed me of the picks this week, so I guess I shall present them to you. Begrudgingly. Because I disagree with them. But, nonetheless, 'tis his column and I must honor his choices. Chiggity check the picks before you riggity riggity wreck yourself.

That Makes Me a Sad Cutler: Adventures in Majestic Pigskin Fuck-ups

Each Monday, in honor of Jay Cutler, master of the team-crippling interception, Punting on First Down chronicles football players fucking up so badly, that you can blame them single-handedly for their team's loss. Exaggerations and hyperbole abound.

There are so many candidates this week. I don't know where to begin. There are the Titans pass-dropping wideouts, the Chiefs cadre of Cassel the Interceptor and His Pass-dropping Extraordinaires, the Steelers Joe Burnett who dropped a gift interception that would have ended the game, Marion Barber who fumbled his way into giving the Giants the win, Josh Freeman the thrower of five picks in one game, the entire Falcons team except Roddy White. These are all deserving candidates. But nobody exemplified the epic fail of Cutler like the team that defines failure these days in the NFL. That's right. It's the second richest team in the NFL, the third most valuable sports franchise in the entire world, the team with one of the biggest fanbases in the NFL, and one of the WORST teams in the sport. Ladies and gentlemen, from the wonderfully expensive losers you know and love as the Washington Redskins, with one of the saddest fuck-ups of the entire year, I present Mr. Shaun Suisham.

Dick Johnson's Saturday Six: The Least Inventive Scuttlebutt in All of Sports

When Dick Johnson isn't penetrating deeply into the NFL's most taciturn stories, he is working the phone, talking to sources, and uncovering yet-to-be released stories--the stories Adam Schefter has wet dreams about uncovering. We don't even call them rumors, because we know Dick Johnson is that good. If you wanted to hear it first, you've come to the right place.

Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 13

Welcome back to your Straight from the Jacket Predictions for Week 13, and I must ask, where the hell were you?  Huh??  That's it.   Go to your room.  No dessert for you tonight!

Wondering what the hell I'm talking about?  Me too.

On that note, here are your lead-pipe, five-card, 100% guaranteed predictions for Week 13 of the Lord's Sport...

Who's The Wider Receiver: The Softer Sides of Lovers Chad Ocho Cinco and Terrell Owens.

POFD is proud to present the fascinating love stories of Chad Ocho Cinco and Terrell Owens.  In the off-season, the two lovers share a one-bedroom studio apartment in a very liberal minded neighborhood.  Although they wanted to keep it a secret we have exclusive footage of the amazing adventures that took place.  They may be different in many respects, but share one heart for each other.  With the love they share they are able to pull through all the wacky shenanigans and missteps that took place in their exciting off-season life together.

This week on Who’s the Wider Receiver- We join our lovers at a trip to the zoo.

Wry on the Rocks with No Ice: the Pofd Mailbbag

Every week, our inbox is figuratively  and literally flooded (our computers have bad plumbing) with thousands upon thousands of emails from our countless fans. We feel obligated to answer at least 10 lucky fans' (out of thousands, possibly billions, mind you) emails each week. It is our mailbag, of sorts, except nobody has used actual mail since 1997, so we call it our inbox. Unlike, every other mailbag ever, though, it will not be vain and self-serving. So, every Wednesday one of us will sit down with a glass of rye (sweet ass margarita, this fine evening) and show the fans we care by responding with half-assed, wry attempts at humor. Send us your emails and questions at our fancy new email account: puntingonfirstdown@gmail.com. It has sprinkly unicorns giving you hugs and blowjobs if you email us!

Report: Brett Favre Allegedly Farted

In what could be one of the biggest stories of the new millenium, our very own Dick Johnson has received word from an undisclosed source, saying Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre has allegedly farted.

The Lendale White Fantasy Party Man/Douche of the Week Award: Week 12

Pro Football Talk

It's Tuesday, folks and you know what that means.  No, not just Topless Tuesday down at your local Buca di Beppo's, it means you either extended a hefty fantasy winning streak (thank you, Ray Rice) or saw your playoff hopes go up in flames faster than Tiger Woods' image as a media darling. 

Never fear, my child.  Here is your opportunity to relive the Fantasy Party Man/Douche of the Week right here on POFD.  And don't be afraid to leave your own beautiful and/or horrific fantasy stories in the comments.  I know our bandwidth has been battle tested with all the views we've gotten on the site, but take a number and your turn will eventually come to be. 

Without further ado, here are Week 12's Fantasy Heroes and Cons...

I Can’t Come Into Work This Season: I Got a Bad Case of the Redskins Offensive Line.

As diagnosed by Dr. Anthony Masterson it seems that a new disease has struck the nation’s capital.  Numerous Redskins players have come down with what is now being recognized as having Redskins Offensive Line (ROL).  In extreme cases the symptoms of which could be fatal.  It seems so far that players are suffering from only minor cases of ROL leaving them incapacitated for the rest of the 2009-2010 season.  However, if remained untreated much more serious cases could arise in the near future.   Requested by Redskins owner Dan Snyder, President Obama has asked every scientist in the D.C. metropolitan area to help manage the issue before it gets any worse.