Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 15

Time is ticking down on the 2009 season of the Lord's Sport, people.  If you're like me, you're knee-deep in the fantasy playoffs, cursing the name of Pierre Garcon for getting you one goddamn fantasy point after notching double digits in four of the last six weeks. 

Ass.

But if the fantasy game ain't your thing and the real deal is what you crave, then you, my friend, have come to the right place. 

Here are your ice-box, lead-pipe, lock-down, guaranteed predictions for Week 15...

Who's The Wider Receiver: The Softer Sides of Lovers Chad Ocho Cinco and Terrell Owens.

POFD is proud to present the fascinating love stories of Chad Ocho Cinco and Terrell Owens.  In the off-season, the two lovers share a one-bedroom studio apartment in a very liberal minded neighborhood.  Although they wanted to keep it a secret we have exclusive footage of the amazing adventures that took place.  They may be different in many respects, but share one heart for each other.  With the love they share they are able to pull through all the wacky shenanigans and missteps that took place in their exciting off-season life together.

This week on Who’s the Wider Receiver- T.O. and Chad are having some financial issues.  To keep them afloat they need to think of a way to make some money.

Wry on the Rocks with No Ice: the POFD Inbox

Every week, our inbox is figuratively  and literally flooded (our computers have bad plumbing) with thousands upon thousands of emails from our countless fans. We feel obligated to answer at least 5 lucky fans' (out of thousands, possibly billions, mind you) emails each week. It is our mailbag, of sorts, except nobody has used actual mail since 1997, so we call it our inbox. Unlike every other mailbag ever, though, it will not be vain and self-serving. So, every Wednesday one of us will sit down with a glass of rye (just wine tonight) and show the fans we care by responding with half-assed, wry attempts at humor. Send us your emails and questions at our fancy new email account: puntingonfirstdown@gmail.com.

The Lendale White Fantasy Party Man/Douche of the Week Award: Week 14

Pro Football Talk

Well folks, I'm back.  I know you all missed me.  It's obvious from the outpouring of anger in your emails toward Mr. Peterson.  I believe they all went something like this: 

From reader TheRealChefBoyardee:

           Holy mozzarella, how-a dare you-a criticize Mr. Masterson-a per liking-a Chef-a Boyardee!  I'll put my spicy meat-a-balls in your fazuls, capisce?

Apparently, Mr. Peterson's fan base does not lie in the Old Country...

With that being said, it's time for the Lendale White Fantasy Party Man/Douche of the Week Award.  Now, I understand that Chris Johnson should earn it this week, I really do.  He earned the most points (35), and basically single-handedly beat the everloving shit out of the Rams (yes, that still counts.) 

But 1)  Johnson has already won said award.  Nobody needs to win it twice....unless you're the Douche.  and 2) I'm pulling the Homer card this week and handing the Lendale White Fantasy Party Man to.....

That Makes Me a Sad Cutler: Adventures in Majestic Pigskin Fuck-ups

Each Monday, in honor of Jay Cutler, master of the team-crippling interception, Punting on First Down chronicles football players fucking up so badly, that you can blame them single-handedly for their team's loss. Exaggerations and hyperbole abound.

Though Randy Moss clearly deserves this, his team unfortunately won, which is sort of a disqualification. That leaves us with the Steel Curtainous Wall (made from 100% wet tissues)-- the Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line.

First Church of Football: A Semi-Live Webbed Logging of the Lord's Sport

Punting on First Down presents a sort-of live weblog of NFL Sunday Night Football.  At least enough to poke fun at Cris Collinsworth's eternal smug-ness and Al Michaels' pristine football omnipotence.

Unstoppable?  Andy Reid's LDL cholesterol is.  His heart, however, is undeniably stoppable, especially with three more years of cheesesteaks on his docket. 

Jesus Talks 1:2

When he's not performing resurrections, magic, turning water into wine at 9th grade parent's basement parties, and moving Ouija planchettes, Punting on First Down asks Mr. Jesus Christ to take time out of his busy schedule to let us all know what he thinks about recent NFL stories. Though we asked for parables and aphorisms, Jesus, powerful as he is, decided rambling diatribes would suffice. Here are his teachings...

Dick Johnson's Saturday Six: The Least Inventive Scuttlebutt in All of Sports

When Dick Johnson isn't penetrating deeply into the NFL's most taciturn stories, he is working the phone, talking to sources, and uncovering yet-to-be released stories--the stories Adam Schefter has wet dreams about uncovering. We don't even call them rumors, because we know Dick Johnson is that good. If you wanted to hear it first, you've come to the right place.

Straight From the Jacket Predictions: Week 14

So, sitting here in a cafe in Boston, I've already had six guys named Sully tell me that my Broncos sweater made me look "like a fackin' homo" and that "Tawm Brady would Cahlton Fisk the Broncos with a Loueezville fackin' Sluggah." 

After I figured out they were speaking English and trash-talking me at the same time, I calmly got up and left, but not before pointing to the scoreboard and giving them a real Mile High Salute. 

Fackin' Sawx suck.

On that note, here are your (albeit abbreviated) lead-pipe, Bloodsport, guaranteed locks for Week 14 in the Lord's Sport...

Who's The Wider Receiver: The Softer Sides of Lovers Chad Ocho Cinco and Terrell Owens.

POFD is proud to present the fascinating love stories of Chad Ocho Cinco and Terrell Owens.  In the off-season, the two lovers share a one-bedroom studio apartment in a very liberal minded neighborhood.  Although they wanted to keep it a secret we have exclusive footage of the amazing adventures that took place.  They may be different in many respects, but share one heart for each other.  With the love they share they are able to pull through all the wacky shenanigans and missteps that took place in their exciting off-season life together.

This week on Who’s the Wider Receiver- As requested by their relationship therapist.  The young couple has decided to make nice with some of their enemies in hopes of overcoming some built up emotional issues.